The Pied Piper of Elegant Leisure

Because of my unemployed Life of Elegant Leisure I get to spend more time with friends and their kids during the day.  So lately I've been feeling like the Pied Piper. The kids, they're flocking.  Yesterday was especially so. My friend Heather's kids have become my new best friends - they're the ones I had a coloring party with a few weeks ago.  They were having a Grandparent's Day at school and since their grandparents live far away Kaiya asked if I would come as her Special Friend.

Would I!

I hung out with her in her classroom and we made a fancy construction paper Christmas tree and I chit chatted with the 7 year olds about who they liked more, Katy Perry or Taylor Swift (Taylor won out.  I didn't even ask about the Bieb.) and then strolled around the book fair.

It was only the cutest thing I've ever done in my life.

When I got home from that I headed over to watch another friend's kids where we made enormous Lego towers and danced whenever we knocked them over.  There was a lot of dancing.

And that's not all.  Because after I got home from the Lego tower dance party Heather called to say they were coming over with a surprise.  She and the kids brought me a Christmas present of multi-ethnic skin tone markers and color pencils.  I did not know that these even existed!  I can finally stop coloring everyone with peach skin.

Since I had a few hours of free time I invited the kids to stay over and color.

Is this not the best picture you've ever seen?  We're coloring and painting and drinking hot chocolate with candy canes in them.  I'm going to frame it and look at it whenever I'm having a rough day because that is nothing but pure joy.

I was just about to type that kids seem to be the way to go when it comes to having fun but then I recalled that just about an hour ago I had a Facebook exchange with my friend Andrea (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!) wherein we reminisced about doing crazy things like getting lost on a dead end road then nearly running over a hobo and wearing pioneer bonnets around Old Town Pasadena.  So I will instead say that I appear to collect friends who don't mind having funny adventures with me - no matter what their age.

Nick Lachey is a Robot

1.) Last night I watched my friend Heather's kids and we spent the whole two hours drawing, coloring and painting.  A while ago I told them about my ridiculously large collection of art supplies and they were eager to see them so I brought them along and they were sufficiently impressed.  I'm not going to lie, it's a pretty rad collection.  There are hundreds of crayons (in standard, neon, metallic, glitter and glow in the dark), colored pencils, pastels, watercolors, markers, and glitter paint.  It was kind of an awesome night.  I love Heather's kids (K said, "I think we should start an art society," as seven year olds do.) and I love to color and now I'm trying to figure out how to get other kids to color with me because it was so much fun.

2.)  I've done it.  I've made amazing rolls.  Year after year I try to make rolls and they always turn out sort of mediocre.  But I was trying out a new recipe for Thanksgiving and I wanted to give them a test run so I made some this afternoon and THEY ARE INCREDIBLE.  I feel victorious. (Fluffy Dinner Rolls from America's Test Kitchen baking cookbook.  ATK has never failed me.  I'm also making their sausage cornbread stuffing that I made last year and have been dreaming about ever since.)

3.)  Is anyone watching the Sing Off?  And is anyone else annoyed that Afro Blues was sent home?  And does anyone else think that Nick Lachey may be a robot?  He does not vary from his host mode at all.  From the inflection in his voice to his shiny shirt/black slacks combo to the way he stands with his hip a little out to the way he drops his arm when he's done talking, everything is exactly the same week to week.  It's creepy.

I hope their turkey is dry too

Last night was rough.  I had to fight it out with Verizon for an hour and a half.

Me:  Do I need a new modem?
V: You may need a new modem.
Me:  So I need a new modem?
V: Maybe
Me: Can you just tell me?
V: I'm not saying you do, but you probably do.  Let me transfer you to someone who can sell you a new modem.
Me:  I hope the marshmallows on your candied yams burn on Thanksgiving.

All of this went on while I was having the Worst Cramps of my Life.  They were the full body kind that make you feel like someone took a meat tenderizer to your insides and then put on some brass knuckles and punched you a few times and then said mean things about your hair.  They were so painful that about an hour into the phone call I felt like I was about to black out, but then I willed myself to go on because so help me if all that back and forth was for not! It turns out that it was entirely for not as this morning Katie rearranged some of the wiring and ta-da we have internet again.

Which I am grateful for.  But I'm still hoping for disastrous yams.

Another thing I am grateful for...Los Angeles, and friends who want to have Adventures there.  Me, Katie, Heather and Andrea spent yesterday (before the Verizon/Cramp Summit of '011) cruising the city.  Andrea has lived here for several years but has never really seen anything so we took her all over the place.  Beverly Hills, the Farmers Market, the Biltmore, we rode Angels Flight (which is the cutest thing you can do in LA.  Best 25 cents you will ever spend.), and we capped it off with French dips at Philippe's.  I've lived here my whole life and you know how much I love it.  It's so much fun to show it off.  Maybe I should look into becoming a tour guide.  We saw a guy driving down Sunset in a van with no windows and the roof sawed off giving a tour to a family of red-heads.  I could totally do that.

And it has to be mentioned:  we started the morning off with breakfast at the Avocado House - Home of the Life Altering Cinnamon Swirl French Toast with Caramel Sauce.  I would not be surprised if that stuff could cure cancer.  At the very least it balanced out a night of cramps and a soul-crushing phone call with my internet provider.

Gifts from a Kiwi

EEEEEEE!!!!!!!  Guess what arrived on my doorstep today!  A package from New Zealand!!!!!!  This blog has introduced me to some lovely little Kiwis who not only are funny and sweet and thoughtful but who send me things.  I love friends and I love packages.  Win win!  (Also, I love this blog.  Who knew it would bring me so much joy.)

Tessy wanted something felty but I can't take orders from people outside of the US because of the whole money exchange business so I said we could just make a swap.  I could send her something made of felt and she could send me something unique to her area, like a Hobbit.

Boy, did she.  Well, not a Hobbit.  She did say she looked for the One Ring but that was destroyed on Mount Doom.

But she made up for it in snacks.  Behold the New Zealandy loot:

There's candies (one called Pineapple Lumps - which is the must unfortunate and unappetizing name ever - that are like Charleston Chews but pineapple flavored.  Yum.) and Marmite (I'm going to give it another try after my first and only attempt 20 years ago of eating fermented yeast, which did not end well.) and Milo (a chocolate beverage which I plan to wash the Marmite down with.), some music, a lovely necklace, a book and postcards, a calendar and a NZ flag and an All Blacks flag (go All Blacks!)(that's rugby)(there's a World Cup going on right now and truthfully I don't follow the sport but it just seems appropriate now to root for them.) and a mini Buzzy Bee which is a toy that was made popular thanks to Prince William the Toddler, and a map so when I go out to visit I will know where I can find and hug my favorite people.

And for something truly unique, there is some yarn made of possum wool.  You read right.  Wool made from possum.  I don't know about you folk but around here possums aren't the most luxurious creatures.  And doing a little research it looks like possum wool is unique to New Zealand (Teresa, our resident yarn expert who only reads this blog about once every 3 months, can verify).  So I'm trying to imagine in a country that has more sheep than humans why someone would look to the possum and say, "I'd like to make a sweater out of that."  They must be velvety soft down there.  The yarn looks and feels like regular old, non-vermin yarn so keep your eye out for some sort of scarf in the near future.

Thanks Tessy!  I'm going to learn the New Zealand national anthem and sing it while marching around my apartment waving the flag.

Dinorific!

My dear friend and personal patron, Hannah, got married and moved to Washington.  Boo - I mean to the WA part.  Married - hooray!  And I couldn't make it to her wedding because it was during girls camp.  Double Boo!  And to prove what an extreme sacrifice it was to not be there I will just tell you they had live band karaoke AND a taco truck.  To say that I was heart broken about missing it is an understatement.  Not only because of the tacos but mostly because Hannah has been one of those friends who just lightens up your life.  We bonded over our shared love of The Blue Castle (you've read it, right?  RIGHT?!) and it has been nothing but unicorns and felt stockings every since.

So when she asked if I would make her cake topper I had to say yes. 

Some background:  1.)  Hannah has been a firm and faithful believer in the funny things I make out of felt. 2.)  She and her husband wear glasses.  3.)  He likes dinosaurs.  A lot. 

This is what she requested and I was thrilled to do it (let's not talk about the crappy nature of these photos):

Love you Medici!  Remember that felt is cheap to ship.

Old Friends New Friends

1.)  Old Friend

Little Rachel (I tower over her by two whole inches!), my old college roommate and one of my all-time most beloved friends was in town fighting the crowds at Disneyland all week with her family.  They took a break from the fun and met me at Downtown Disney for dinner.  (Motto:  we're not Disneyland but we're close and our food is just as expensive and mediocre.)

Fun Fact:  (And there is a connection here)  I rarely throw up.  RARELY.  Because I hate it.  So much.  In fact, I have only done it 3 times in the last 12 years.  The first time was hours after I returned from Rac's wedding.  The second was hours after enjoying a visit with Rac during a family reunion up in Utah.*  We risked getting together last year for lunch and that time is was poor Rac's turn.  We barely made it 30 minutes before she lost it all.  So I was a little hesitant to suggest dinner because we're clearly cursed.  Especially considering her long drive back today.  But we live on the edge.  We had a great time and picked up where we left off (minus the barfing), like we were back at Moon Apartments painting our toe nails and watching reruns of the Love Boat.  And I am happy to report that it has been 24 hours and we have checked in with each other and we're both healthy as two healthy things.  Hooray!  Thanks Rachel & Fam for hanging out with me!

2.)  New Friends

Katie and Camille have these friends, Hayley, Heidi and April:

Sisters!  Aren't they cute!  I had never met them but they read this blog which is how I got myself an invitation to breakfast this morning with them and my sisters at the Avocado House.  What?  You haven't been to the Avocado House yet?  Because why?  People of Chino and Surrounding Cities:  Go to the Avocado House, order the cinnamon swirl French toast with caramel sauce.  Yeah, you read that right.  Caramel sauce.  You'll want to hug people after your first bite.

Where was I?  Right, new friends.  So, it's always a little weird for me to meet people who read this blog.  Because I'm socially awkward and there's a good reason why I write what I have to say rather than actually say it out loud.  I can edit this.  But those girls are super fun and we bonded over our loud families and large heads and our love of breakfast food.  Thanks for being my new BFFs ladies!

*The third was in Tozeur, Tunisia, praying that I would not die alone on the floor of a bathroom in the middle of the Sahara Desert.  Oh that was hours and hours and hours and hours (so many hours) of fun.

My invitation must have got lost in the mail.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that I skipped work and hosted, along with my sisters, a royal wedding party, complete with fancy hats and crumpets.  (For the record, crumpets are just sort of mediocre.  They're a cross between pancakes and English muffins, both of which are superior.)  I've heard several commentaries on how the royal wedding is a waste of time and not worth all the attention it is getting. And to that I say, Oh, lighten up you big fat crank.  Because what is not to love about a royal wedding?  There's pomp and tradition and the Arch Bishop of Canterbury (did you SEE his eyebrows?!).  And there are gilded carriages and wee little flower girls and David Beckham in a morning suit looking dreamy.  And do I even have to mention the Queen?  No, I don't.  Because my general rule is:  Where the Queen goes, so go I.  And if the Queen is going to be at a wedding that will be televised (and can be recorded so I don't have to wake up at 2 am), I'm going to watch it.

Fortunately, I don't have cranky friends.  In fact, I have the opposite.  I have friends who not only wanted to come to the party but gave their full support by wearing fabulous hats and squealing when Kate stepped out of the car.

Speaking of hats:  I'm going to quit my job and move to England and become a milliner.  Because, folks, I have found my calling.  We needed fancy hats so I spent the better part of last night making them for myself, Mom, and Lindsay and then this morning I threw one together for Camille.  And much to my surprise they all turned out very large and over-the-top and also, awesome. Katie could also go into the biz because she pulled off a rather fabulous floral number.  This is what comes of having felt, tulle, a glue gun and a dream. 

Roll the highlight reel:

Camille, with a bird in her hair.



Susan, recognizing the occasion called for a crown



Jenny brought this cake.  We later celebrated the event by eating their faces.

The Spread.  At one point Laura leaned over to me and said, "I like that all of our brunch food can be considered a dessert.  This means the party is a success."  Agreed.

Lindsay managed to make it through the day without gouging anyone's eye out with those curly bits.

We agreed that Jenny could pull this hat off at church.

I might not be so lucky.  But that did not stop me from wearing it the entire day, long after everyone left.  I want to wear this hat to the grocery store, to the bank, while I'm doing my laundry.  I feel sparkly and triumphant in it.

This hat that Laura is wearing is from the actual milliner that Diana used!!!

When Katie put on those white bobbly beads I gasped.  Genius!

Very Grace Kelly, Liz

Heather arrived looking like she just stepped off the train at Kings Cross in 1952.

Holly skipped part of her planned trip to Disneyland to be with us.  That girl's got her priorities straight.

Lindsay made this hat and I'm pretty sure she needs to be my business partner when I open my hat shop

Cute, right?

We stood during the processional.  Naturally.

Weekend Math

Slept in

+

Lounged about in my bathrobe while watching The Empire Strikes Back

+

Surprise invite from Liz and Mary to join them for brunch

+

Biscuits and gravy

+

Mary's baby Peter and his enormous and adorable head

+

And very spur of the mo decision to go see Jane Eyre

+

Still checked multiple things off of my to-do list

=

A pretty good Saturday

The Library is Open

Do you know what has been missing in my life lately?  A book club.  I used to have an amazing one, years ago.  We would eat and laugh and talk about all sorts of things, sometimes even about books.  But then we disbanded when everyone moved away and I haven't found a good one since. 

So I formed a new one.  And we met tonight. And it was wonderful.  My living room was packed with amazing, funny, smart, lovely women and we ate and laughed and talked until 10:30 on a school night.  And we had a rather substantial discussion on the book (Ella Minnow Pea).  It was everything I had hoped for.  It made me want to hug them and then hug all of my books.

As is customary at book clubs I host, I lent out a few books.  I went to the cabinet to pull one out and discovered this little kit that Tammy gave me for my birthday last year which I had completely forgotten about. 

It's my very own library kit!

It has a date stamp and a card for you to pull when it's been checked out and a little pocket that you can stick to the inside flap and put the card back into once it's been returned!  It is the cutest thing I have ever seen.  And I don't think I could have been any more excited to use it.  Everyone who walked away with a book had to have it "libraried up".  I had to squelch the sudden urge to shush people.

As you can see Becky has checked out Angus, Thongs and Full-frontal Snogging.  She has been properly warned of the dangers of reading it in public.  Everyone I know who has ventured to do so has snort-laughed over it in front of large groups of people.  (Me - at Jiffy Lube)

It's No Love Boat But It Will Do

On any truly serious Woman of Elegant Leisure's list of 101 Things To Do Before Going To That Silk Upholstered Boudoir In The Sky in a transatlantic crossing on an ocean liner.  Not a cruise ship.  That's just tacky.  An ocean liner.  One that will properly stow all your hat boxes and fur muffs.

I got close on Saturday at Laura and Mike's wedding (Holy Cats, Laura!  You're married!!!) aboard the Queen Mary.  An honest to goodness old-timey ocean liner that movie stars and royalty used to sail on back in the day before it was permanently docked in Long Beach a few decades ago.  Liberace sailed on it so you know it's high class.

If you are wondering what are appropriate activities on a docked ocean liner, here's a helpful list:

1.  Lounging on deck chairs

2. Dance Dance Revolution

3.  Heavy consumption of Shirley Temples

 

Also, if you're in the market, you can get married by the captain of the ship.  I posed the question before the ceremony, "How does one become the captain of a ship that doesn't go anywhere?"  I got my answer by asking the man himself.  His answer, "I'm a captain on another line.  They contract it out.  All the captains of the Queen Mary are dead, my dear."  He was a charmer.

Other People

How about I talk about other people for a change:

1.) Like my lovely friend Amanda.

WHO JUST WON THE MR. T BOOKMARK!!!!!!!!!

Oh, man is she going to be excited when she reads this. Let me tell you a little something about Amanda and winning. She loves to do it. And she will go to great lengths for it. We were once at a bridal shower together and playing that game with the pins on the shirt and if you're caught crossing your legs or saying the word bride or marriage or love you have to give it away to the person who caught you and the person at the end with the most pins wins (have I mentioned how much I HATE bridal shower games?) and Amanda spent the entire time hounding people about it. "Did you just cross you're legs? It looks like you almost did. Why don't you just give me your pin." Finally everyone just started giving her their pins so she could win. I love her with all my heart and I'm thrilled that she won without any harassment.

2.) I will also mention my dear friend Valerie who believes, and rightly so, that every t-shirt has a story. So she started a blog about it and as expected, because it's Val, it's pretty clever. Valerie and her family win the prize for People Whom I've Known and Liked the Longest Outside of My Own Family. The Knechts and Appels go way way way back. And when we're all eternal neighbors in heaven you're going to want to live on our block.

3.) How about I tell you about Rac and her adventures with Flat Rachel. Or you can just read about them on her blog. I should warn you that there was a tragic accident that called for emergency surgery. Naturally it also called for treats. And she took her to see Eclipse, which was generous, as I would probably never take her. Rac is the Fun Aunt!

4.) I will end with this sweet story from the Pod. The place is crawling with old people. I'm talking really, really old. These two olds came in and announced that they were celebrating their fourth wedding anniversary. Four months, that is. They had been dating for 25 years and he kept asking and she kept saying no but finally, after they had both turned 80, she said yes. So they tied the knot in March and celebrate every single month because, in his words, "We may not live to see a year." They were like teenagers, only more cute and less annoying. I wanted to put them in my pocket and take them home with me.

Vegas is Sparkly

Hi pals, I'm back. I missed you. Let's go out for hot chocolate or something.

1.) Nearly every person who had to transport me over the last week came down with the stomach flu. First Rach, then Stacy, and now Sam. I would like to give a pre-apology to Katie and Heather who picked me up from the airport last night. I feel as fresh as a daisy so I seem to be just a carrier instead of a victim. But then, I have to be nigh unto death in order to throw up. If it makes them feel any better I once prayed for death on the floor of a bathroom after throwing up for 6 straight hours during a previous trip to Utah.

2.) I heard this announcement over the loud speaker last night at the Long Beach airport: "Will the following parties please report to terminal 2: Bob Wilson, Meredith Smith, Rick-Rick." And also, I love flying into Long Beach because you get to walk off the plane and onto the tarmac, like your the president, or the Beatles. I always wave when I come out of the plane door.

3.) There will be no Cute Nephew stories here because I really don't want to become that person. But I will say that my nephews are cute. Probably cuter than yours but I don't want to hurt your feelings.

4.) I will also not bore you with a travelogue of what I did in Vegas because it mostly consists of talking and eating and talking and laughing and talking some more and playing games in our hotel room while talking and laughing and talking and then I straightened Laura's hair and then we talked and laughed.

5.) We chose to meet in Las Vegas because it was the most easily accessible spot for all of us to meet up - and really, I would travel to the ends of the earth to be with those girls - but I hate Vegas. You can't convince me that it is a worth-while place. I neither drink, nor gamble, nor flash my bosoms to the world. It is completely lost on me.

6.) Well, almost completely. Because the Liberace Museum is priceless. Priceless, I say! You MUST go there. There are disco ball cars and lots and lots of feathered and rhinestoned capes. And tour guides with really bad wigs - I'm talking doll hair kind of wigs - who will tell you that the reason why Liberace started wearing all those big beautiful costumes was because he had a gig at the Hollywood Bowl and he wanted the couples necking in the top rows to be able to see him. Oh, it was heaven. It hardly seems possible that my dreams of seeing Wayne Newton in concert and visiting the Liberace Museum have come true within 8 months of each other. Would someone like to sponsor my trip to
Graceland to complete the trifecta?

Stocking Stuffers

1.) Until someone tells me that Avatar is an incredible story with amazing acting I'm not going to see it. Whiz-bang special effects will not carry me through nearly 3 hours of James Cameron's ego.

2.) Today is the official moving day for our office and Chiquita's brother Chuck is helping out. He brought along his friend Mr. Rick. That is what everyone calls him. Mr. Rick. He is sixty if he's a day and every time he comes back up the stairs he huffs and puffs and says, "Boy, I'm tired." Mr. Rick calls Chuck Charles. Chiquita calls him Chuckie or Chuck-a-luck. Chuck calls Chiquita Chi Chi, which I find kind of disturbing. Gary the CPA and Chiquita's ex-husband Phillip are also coming in to help. Chiquita looses patience with all of them if they spend longer than 10 minutes talking to her. She mentioned that we may go out for a two hour taco break while they do the heavy lifting.

3.) Heather and I went to the Mission Inn last night to see the Christmas lights and it was lovely. However, along with the lights were lots of animatronic carolers and scary elves tucked up in the balconies and bell towers. There was one in particular who looked like he was waiting to jump down on your head and gouge your eyes out with his pointy hat. I was disappointed that I couldn't look around the hotel to find and have my picture taken in the Taft Chair which was specially made for President Taft's visit once the original owner of the hotel heard that he got stuck in the White House bathtub due to his girth. My high school history teacher, Mrs. Baker, use to tell this story at least once a week. She would refer to him as Taft the Rotund.

4.) Speaking of former presidents - I am calling 2010 the Year of the Presidents, which mostly means I'm going to learn what order they came in and humorous facts about them that I can bring up at parties to bore all of my friends.

5.) A few people have asked about buying the funny stockings and I think I have enough in my arsenal to start putting them up on Etsy. However, I have no idea what to charge for them. They cost me practically nothing to make. Maybe $2. But they are very labor intensive. They're all hand cut and hand stitched. Most with metallic thread that Satan created. So, if you were in the market for a stocking that had a b-list celebrity on it how much would you be willing to pay?

6.) Holy Cats, this is getting long.

7.) Last one, I promise. But I wanted to show you the other stocking I made this season. I was commissioned by Laura (I will refrain from making Michelangelo/Medici Family comparisons here) to make one for her boyfriend, who loves the old video game Galaga and monkeys.



8.) Okay, I totally lied to you. Because I've just decided to have a Christmas drawing. If you leave a comment before Christmas you will be entered to win a stocking to be delivered sometime before next Christmas. You can choose from any of the ones I've done before (Dwight, the Hoff, Michael Flatly - Lord of the Dance, Mr. T (although not a stocking yet, easily transferable) or Richard Simmons) or you can choose a new one, if I think it's funny enough. Enter now before I make you pay more than $2 for them.

9.) That is all. Merry Christmas.

I went to Arizona. This is what I did.

I was about halfway between civilization and Blythe on my drive out to Arizona for a weekend of fun with Cynde when I realized that I had to pee. This is a horrible realization when you're in a car in the desert and the mile markers tell you that you're still 60 miles away from a bathroom. Oh, it's horrible. So I did the only thing I could think of. I drove 90 mph and sang at the top of my lungs. Because singing really loud always distracts me. And I desperately needed distracting from the impending explosion of my bladder. I sang Abba, and Neil Diamond and a lot of hymns but those only got me 30 miles closer and then panic started setting in. What if my bladder actually does explode? How can I tell if it's about to happen. Will there be a warning? Should I pull over? Which is worse, my bladder exploding or peeing on the side of the highway? I imagined myself getting knocked over by a tumbleweed and how embarrassing would that headline be, "Girl Killed by Rogue Tumbleweed While Peeing." Twenty miles from Blythe and I was contemplating my death.

Then suddenly, rising from the desert floor, a beacon of hope! A sign that said "Rest stop - next exit." I nearly wept, except that I was too busy cutting semis off to get to the exit. Never before had a fly infested stinky brick building looked so beautiful.

That's just one of the highlights. Here are some more:

1.) Staying up until 3am playing Guitar Hero. Some people can do this without any adverse effects. I can't stay up past 10 reading a book without waking up in the morning in tears. Which is to say, I am not one of those people. But I do rock the guitar.


2.) Learning more than I ever wanted to know about the band Kiss. Cynde has a friend who knows all sorts of Kiss-tory. (You'll be thrilled to know that I didn't just make that term up. He used it several times. In all seriousness. It was awesome.)


3.) Falling in love with the percussionist of Pink Martini. It is not very often that a drum solo will move me enough to propose but I almost did. I could go on tour with them and polish cymbals back stage and my life would be complete.

4.) Eating my weight in cheese. We somehow managed to stuff ourselves with all sorts of cheese over the weekend. We ate cheese in the hallway of a swanky restaurant that we were not actually patronising while the wait-staff walked by and stared (Long story. I will just say that it was a very typical Rachel & Cynde Adventure. Someday a movie will be made about all the awkward/hilarious moments we've had together), we ate cheese for breakfast, we sampled cheese at Costco, at a dinner party on Saturday night we ate goat cheese laced with figs that, were it socially acceptable, I would have shoveled into my mouth with my bare hands.

5.) The long solitary road trip. Who's with me on this? Driving by yourself for hours is so fun. You can listen to whatever you want, you don't have to stop for anyone else, and when you want peace and quiet you just stop talking to yourself.

Mr. Las Vegas Visits Highland, CA

So let it be known: if Wayne Newton ever calls me up and asks me to be his back-up singer, I will leave all of you and spend the rest of my good years singing Viva Las Vegas with him.

Words really can't describe it. He was everything I hoped for and more.

Well, strike that. He was everything but the singing. Wow, he has really gone down in that department. I felt incredibly awkward as he was singing the Kenny Roger's classic "Lady". Boy, that was bad. But everything else was TOP NOTCH.

His enormous diamond pinky ring was blinding. His hair was lacquered like a super shiny lacquered thing. His tuxedo was straight out of the 80s. He wiggled his hips and told slightly inappropriate jokes. He flirted with all the girls and called us dolls. It was magical! You know how sometimes you have an image of what something should be - something you've dreamed of and have high expectations for - and when you see it, it disappoints? This was not one of those times. It was exactly what I imagined it to be. Which was hilariously funny and wonderfully amazing and very, very entertaining. Because even though he sounded dreadful, the man knows how to put on a show.

And let's talk about the venue for a sec. If you ever get the chance to see a show at an Indian casino, you MUST go. Promise me you will. Because you will love all the 80 year olds there. LOVE THEM! I have never seen so many walkers, wheel chairs and jazzies in my life. One woman walked by with an oxygen tank. And everyone had on the same outfit: baggy polyester pants, orthopedic shoes or sneakers, and Hawaiian shirts in earth tones. It was a sea of yellow and green and brown floral print. It was like we were at a desert luau.

Cynde and I came armed with our bedazzled granny panties (Thanks, Chris!) and we held them up with pride. Much to the amusement of the elderly around us. We were the youngest in the crowd by about 50 years but we were certainly not the most vocal. There were some women there who I think would have given up their first born to have Wayne blow them a kiss.

He spent a lot of time chit-chatting and telling jokes. And he also would read the occasional note from friends who were in the audience and then sing songs dedicated to them "and all the ladies." And about halfway through the show the weirdest thing happened. He was singing a song when suddenly (and I'm NOT making this up) Flavor Flav jumps up on stage, complete with his jumbo clock necklace and jester hat, and gives him a hug. Flavor Flav! At a Wayne Newton concert! At the San Manuel Indian Casino! And Cynde and I may have been the only people there who knew who he was. I bet the elderly were all wondering when security was going to come and take that crazy old woman off the stage. From the back he actually does look like a crazy old woman. It was surreal. And rad.

I'm giving out awards to my sisters for orchestrating the whole thing. And to Cynde, who would drive across the desert in July to laugh through a show with me. To thank her I took her to the beach this morning, where we rented a tandem bike and ate gelato. Thanks C! I love that you love to be silly!

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Helpful Hint: if you're thinking of riding a tandem bike be prepared to never stop. It is much harder than it looks to get going. We almost had to kill a few small children because we couldn't muster the strength to stop, knowing that we would have to start again.

Picture Explanation: I just realized that it looks like I have a wee mustache in that picture of us at the beach. It's a shadow, people. A shadow!

News Flash: I've decided to have the ice cream social next Saturday 07/25/09 from 12 to 2. I can't decide if I want to have it at my place or a nearby park. What are you thought? Would anyone even come?

I forgot to bring the bonnet to the wedding.

It's a few days late but I want to congratulate my wonderful, beautiful, lovely, funny friend Andrea:

Wait, that's not the picture I wanted. I'm going to try again.

Um, close, but still not right. (Unless Andrew really did get her in the mail). How about this one?

Bing! Look how happy she is. Doesn't it make you smile like a loon?

Most of my pictures of Andrea involve her doing something funny. Or rather, her friends making her do something funny.* And this is the really wonderful thing about her. She's a shy girl in a group of friends who don't have too much trouble embarrassing ourselves, and she goes right along with us. Because while she would NEVER decide on her own that it would be hilarious to wear a bonnet through Old Town Pasadena, when Amanda and I suggested it she hesitated but did it anyway. Because she's awesome and knows how much we love a good laugh. I'm not sure why she has chosen to remain our friend after all the awkward situations we have put her in, but she has and I'm grateful.

I love you Andrea! You are one of my most favorite people on the planet and it would be really hard to top just how happy I am for you.

*True story: Just after the initial fresh-out-of-the-temple shots the photographer asked them to walk towards him and I casually said, "I think you should shimmy" and she did. True friend.

I am not above selling my love for a mixed CD

Several years ago I somehow lucked into a close group of friends who are lovely, intelligent, hilarious, and up for anything remotely fun. We were always throwing themed parties and hootenannies (No seriously. Our hoots are legendary. You would weep if you heard us sing You're in Love by Wilson Phillips. Weep, I say!), and having grand adventures. Some of them have gotten married and had kids and moved away but they're the types of friends that you keep forever. We will totally be having hootenannies in heaven.

Well, this weekend Wendy came into town and we got the gang together (minus Gina and Amanda, (we miss you), who will be having their own Northern Contingency Get Together next weekend.) and we laughed and ate and had a nunchuck demonstration. It was a pretty spectacular night.

So I was already on a high after everyone left and Katie reminded me that I didn't have my bib for the race yet. So I went down to check the mail and found my bib in there...and bonus!, a package. I LOVE getting packages in the mail. It's like Christmas in my mail box.

The package was from my friend Valerie. I imagined it was a bag of brownies as a thank you for recommending the book Rebecca. I recommended it long ago and she bought a used copy online and when it came she was ashamed of the rather cheap cover (cheap, as in Woman-of-Easy-Virtue cheap) and had put off reading it until now and she loved it. Of course she loves it. It's a GREAT book. But it wasn't brownies. It was better! It was a mixed CD. And it came with a note that explained that while other people merely told me about their favorite songs when I asked for them a few weeks back, she was sending me a CD of them. Now they were actually favorite songs of her husband James. He had a birthday party, wherein they crafted a block of cheddar into a boombox, and the CD was a party favor. But regardless, it was a CD of music that I have enjoyed all weekend long.

There something so wonderful about getting mixed CDs. I think it's fascinating to hear what people deem worthy enough to put on one. Whenever I make a mixed CD for someone I usually put songs that I'm listening to right now as well as songs that are old favorites. There is almost always a Neil Diamond song on there because people never expect him but when they hear him that love him.

Now, I'm telling you all of this because I really care about your happiness. Let's say there's a contest going on - a contest called Make Rachel Love You More Than She Already Does - and you really wanted to win it. I'm not saying there is a contest, that would be ridiculous because I already love you all so much. But if there were a contest what would really put you ahead is if you made a mixed CD of your favorite songs and sent it to (redacted). It would be tough to beat Valerie, so it really wouldn't hurt your chances if you slipped a few brownies in there.

*********************************

In other news, the race was great. Tons of people and B-list stars. This is what happens when you go to charity events in LA. You always get B-list stars at charity events, but in LA you get a lot of them. Katie kept saying, "Who's that? He looks really familiar?" I was no help as I was a wee little bean sprout in a field of corn. All I could see were people's shoulder blades. This really is unfortunate when you're trying to catch a glimpse of That Guy Who Was In That Show. Because we got there insanely early we were able to make it up to the front of the pack. Which would have been great except that the front of the pack was for the runners so when Miley Cyrus counted us down and the confetti cannons went off we were forced to actually jog for a bit and then shoved our way to the side so we didn't get in the way of people who not only owned shorty jogging shorts but actually wore them without shame. We hustled around the USC campus and made our way to the Coliseum. If you ever get a chance to run onto the field of a major sporting area, I would highly recommend it. It is kind of exciting. If you throw in taiko drums as you run into the tunnel and someone standing at the finish line ready to put a medal around your neck than you have pretty great experience. Michael Bolton was slightly painful to watch because 1.) He's nothing without his awesome 90s mane and 2.) I can only remember 1 song that he sings so every time he started up a new one I would realize that I had completely forgotten that the song had even existed and then I would feel really sad for him. And he sang Nessun Dorma. Weird!'

I just checked my ranking on the race. I came in 6882nd out of 27738. I am clearly on my way to 5K greatness.

Sweep the Leg Johnny!!!

You know I'll do anything for a good laugh. If I think something is going to be funny or if I can get a good story out of it, I'm totally there. And I'm fortunate to have friends and family that are the same way.

Which is how Katie, Liz, Heather and I found ourselves in a Nunchucks for Everyone class last night.

And now I can't stop giggling. No seriously. I haven't been able to stop since last night when I had to bow to my sensei. You can't even imagine how much this whole thing tickles me. Or how many lines from the Karate Kid have run through my head.

It all started a few months ago when Katie opened up the the Upland Community Programs brochure and saw they were offering the class. We all happened to be hanging out and she brought it up that she thought we should join. It certainly sounded like fun. And said it was for everyone, so why not.

We were going primarily because it would be hilarious. I think nunchucks are inherently funny and I could only imagine the joy I would have in saying, super casually, "So, I was at my nunchucks class down at the dojo...." I mean, really. How funny, right?

But there were a few fears:

1.) Would sarcastic remarks be appreciated or even tolerated? Since we were going for laughs we fully intended to make it fun. Would they go along with it? Or would our sensei be like the one at the the Cobra Kai? "No Mercy!"

2.) Would it just be us and a bunch of 10 year olds? The age range said 8-adult, so there was that possibility.

3.) Would we be laughed out of the place because we were old women?

4.) Would we poke out our eyes, or the eyes of all the 10 years olds, with our nunchucks?

5.) My particular fear was that I'm not very coordinated and it said we would be learning tricks and spins. I'm 80. I can barely walk without falling over.

But all fears were resolved when we got to the class. Our sensei not only allowed sarcastic remarks, but gave them right back. We were given foam nunchucks which will greatly reduce the possibly of losing an eye. None of us fell over or called us old. And it was, indeed, mostly 10 year old boys. Goofy 10 year old boys. It turns out that it's a regular karate studio and the class is made up of the students there and community members can join up. There are a few teenagers who are all black belts and one woman whose son is in the class too. And they were all fantastic! They didn't laugh at us for being uncoordinated old women and they went easy on us, and then marvelled at our cat-like reflexes and overall awesomeness as we dominated in the Whack the Pieces of Pool Noodles into a Bucket with your Nunchucks game. Especially when it was boys against girls and the 4 of us teamed up with Sempai Jessica (who is a double black belt and 16) and the mom and we killed them. Take that, all you kids with your fancy colored belts!

So not only was it hilarious to be there, but it was also really fun. We learned the first of the blocks and strikes and after we got home the four of us practiced in the parking lot, which is where the real laughing happened. I'm talking not being able to stand up straight, wheezy grandpa kind of laughing. If any of you live in Las Brisas and happen to drive by on a Monday evening, and you see us in what looks like mortal combat, or in the throws of an epileptic fit, do not be alarmed...we are trained nunchuckers.

Curry Chicken or Curry Chicken

Amanda gave us the Get out of Dodge challenge for the weekend. Here's what I did: (All the places I went to will be highlighted in purple.)

1.) On Thursday night Nicola treated us to the Hollywood Bowl for the French Masters Night. But I like to call it Classic Nicola Night because, as usual, she classed the thing right up. As anyone who has been to the Hollywood Bowl with me knows, I'm a cheap seats kind of girl. But not with Nicola. She managed to score box seats that came with valet parking. Which means that we did not have to walk the mile and a half up hill after paying $12 for parking. Oh no. We drove right up behind the bowl and dropped our car off and headed to our box, where we couldn't even see the seats we normally sit in.

2.) On Friday night we had our regular Olympic Opening Ceremonies party. We totally stuck the landing with all the delicious food. We had stuff from Italy, the Philippines, Switzerland, the Netherlands, Brazil and France. And we had a great time watching it in China and making fun of the Hungarian teams outfits. Thanks to everyone who came and fed us.

3.) Lizzie had a birthday! And to celebrate we went to an Indian restaurant where I ordered something called khahiri chicken. Except that the waitress, who sounded like she may have been fresh from Mumbai, thought I said curry chicken. I can see how she would mix it up because the way she was saying them made them sound exactly the same. Here's the convo we had after she brought every one else's food out:

Her: Did you want the curry chicken or the curry chicken?
Me: I think it was called khahiri chicken but I'm not sure.
Her: Okay, the curry or the curry?
Me: Um...maybe it's not khahiri. It started with a kh. Do you have
anything like that?
Her: Yes. We have the curry chicken and the curry
chicken.
Me: Do you have a menu? I could point it out to you.
Her: So you got the curry chicken?
Me: Not the curry, the khahiri.
Her: Right, I'll bring you curry.

By this point (that point being everyone at the other table asking for take home boxes) I was ready to just eat the rest of my naan and call it day. But it was also pure comedy and I can appreciate that. I don't actually know if I got khahiri chicken. It looked a lot like Brett's curry chicken but it said khahiri on the bill so who knows. And either way it was tasty.

So, I didn't actually head out of Dodge but I'm also pretty sure that Dodge does not serve curry chicken or curry chicken. I'm totally counting it.

What I really mean when I say, "I forgot to get you a gift."

I just clicked over to Amanda's blog and saw the picture she has on her sidebar of her in the eyebrows I sent her a while ago. And it made me a little sad that I didn't do what I normally do when I buy a gift for someone that I would love for myself - which is to keep it. Because those things are hilarious.*

Does anyone else do this? This is why I don't buy presents for people until the day of their party. Because there is a very good chance that I will decide to just hold onto it instead. It's a horrible habit, I know. And I really can't tell you how many times I've done this. It's a lot. Especially to my best friend Cynde. I can't help it if we have very similar taste in things. We're best friends for crying in the mud! We're suppose to be like that. Usually around her birthday I start pulling out things that I have picked up for her over the year and go through and decide what to give her and what to keep for myself. Shameful.

I'm telling you this because maybe I'm feeling a little guilty for all those times when a friend has said, "Hey! That's such a cute bag," and I would be all, "I know," and secretly remembering that I had bought it for their last birthday. It has happened more than once.

*The reason why I did send them to Amanda was because I knew that she would appreciate them better than most people and would take pictures of herself wearing them that she would post on her blog. Mission accomplished.