Oooh, You're Gold

Please tell me you're watching the Wilson Phillips reality show.  Because I would hate to think you were missing out on it.  And here's why:  Chynna Phillips is the mayor of Crazytown USA.

At one point in a recent episode Carnie was recovering from surgery and Chynna moved in to help her out because they had a fast-approaching tour to begin.  Chynna suggested doing some breathing exercises so she started by plugging one of Carnie's nostrils with her finger and telling her to breathe through the other nostril.  Carnie said that she couldn't because her sinuses were clogged to which Chynna replied, "Clogged sinuses are your body's way of telling you that you don't deserve to breathe." When Carnie protested Chynna was all, "No really.  You're body does not think you are worthy of breath."

!!!!

And that is just the beginning.  She says and does loony things all the time like spritzing herself with herbal mist and doing self-affirmation exercises.  I'm so in love with her!  Who knew she was so bonkers.  Michelle didn't mention any of this when we became best friends. 

I just struck me that Chynna is married to one of the Baldwin brothers and I'm trying to imagine their family parties where she is hanging around the guacamole making small talk with Alec.

Happy Thanksgiving Back

There is a lot to be thankful for.  I mean, really, a lot. And I'm not just talking about pie and stretchy pants here.  I am a very lucky girl.

One of the things I am most grateful for are unintentionally funny people.  To illustrate, here's a gem from tonight:

While sitting in a feast-induced coma my family ended up watching Wheel of Fortune and one of the contestants introduced himself thusly -

"Hi.  I'm Andrew from Chicago.  I have an adorable wife, an awesome cat named Squeemu, and I play the synthesizer."  He later went on to say his favorite movie was Godzilla vs. Mothra and when he made it to the final round it was revealed he was wearing red skinny jeans.

I must have worked off at least half of my mash potato calories from laughing.

Dear Andrew from Chicago, I am thankful for you.  Love, Rachel.

Nick Lachey is a Robot

1.) Last night I watched my friend Heather's kids and we spent the whole two hours drawing, coloring and painting.  A while ago I told them about my ridiculously large collection of art supplies and they were eager to see them so I brought them along and they were sufficiently impressed.  I'm not going to lie, it's a pretty rad collection.  There are hundreds of crayons (in standard, neon, metallic, glitter and glow in the dark), colored pencils, pastels, watercolors, markers, and glitter paint.  It was kind of an awesome night.  I love Heather's kids (K said, "I think we should start an art society," as seven year olds do.) and I love to color and now I'm trying to figure out how to get other kids to color with me because it was so much fun.

2.)  I've done it.  I've made amazing rolls.  Year after year I try to make rolls and they always turn out sort of mediocre.  But I was trying out a new recipe for Thanksgiving and I wanted to give them a test run so I made some this afternoon and THEY ARE INCREDIBLE.  I feel victorious. (Fluffy Dinner Rolls from America's Test Kitchen baking cookbook.  ATK has never failed me.  I'm also making their sausage cornbread stuffing that I made last year and have been dreaming about ever since.)

3.)  Is anyone watching the Sing Off?  And is anyone else annoyed that Afro Blues was sent home?  And does anyone else think that Nick Lachey may be a robot?  He does not vary from his host mode at all.  From the inflection in his voice to his shiny shirt/black slacks combo to the way he stands with his hip a little out to the way he drops his arm when he's done talking, everything is exactly the same week to week.  It's creepy.

This and That and Tyra

1.  We don't watch a lot of Wheel of Fortune around here but when we do Katie kills it.  She's a Wheel savant.  It will be a 15 word phrase and she'll get it with two letters up there.  I usually don't even have it by the time the contestants have bought all the vowels and they keep spinning to get more money.  So I felt pretty good about myself tonight when I got one before she did.  Woot!  But what I really felt great about was recognizing one of contestants as a very bit character from Gilmore Girls who's maybe been in like 10 scenes total.  And there she was spinning for cash.  So I'm a Gilmore Girls savant.

2.  After dinner I said, "I could use some chocolate cake right now," and Katie said, "There's a recipe for individual microwave chocolate cake in the Food Network Magazine," (which, for the record, is a great magazine.  Trust your friend.  You'll want to make every recipe.)  I am very suspicious of things being cooked in a microwave.  Warmed up in a microwave, sure.  But baked?  I don't know.  (I wonder if the folks in Days of Yore felt this way about the gas range.)  But a girl has got to take a few risks if she wants cake.  And ta-da!  It worked.  Chocolate cake in under 10 minutes.  Revolutionary!  It's more souffle-ish, and it could definitely use some whipped cream or frosting or chocolate sauce, and the recipe makes more that I could eat (can you believe that?), but who am I to complain about such speedy results?

3.  I'm reading Tyra Banks' book Modelland and it is the Capital of Crazytown.  I'm marking my favorite passages and I think I need to host a dramatic reading.  Who's interested?

Anne of Green Gables my eye!

Folks, something very bad has happened - someone has created another Anne of Green Gables movie and it is an atrocity, a sham, an affront to all Anne Loving People everywhere.  I came across it this afternoon and only watched 15 minutes of it before throwing down the remote control and harrumphing about my living room, ranting about how it is an atrocity, a sham, etc.  Here's what I gathered from those 15 minutes:

1.)  Anne is middle aged and WWII is going on (when everyone knows that it's WWI that is happening when Anne is middle aged.)

2.)  Anne is searching for her father (Who, you may recall from the books, is actually dead.)

3.)  And surprise! she has a half brother whom she is also searching for.

4.)  She has a son named Dominic.  What?!  What about Jem, or Shirley, or (Sweet Land of Liberty, I'm going to start weeping) Walter?

5.)  She is living at Green Gables again.

And, this is the most egregious so hold on to your hats...

6.)  Gilbert is dead and Anne is dating some other guy.  AS IF!  And also, NO!  And for another thing, HOGWASH!  I started watching during a scene where Anne comes home and takes the arm of this guy and I thought, "Gee, they could have cast a more handsome Gil." And then she called him Gene.  She's dating a guy named Gene!?  Is this some kind of joke?  Do they really believe that the people will stand for a.) Gilbert being killed off and b.) Anne walking arm in arm with a guy who isn't Gilbert?  Unacceptable.

Okay, so I'm a little passionate about Anne of Green Gables.  That series of books (and really, all of LM Montgomery's books) were a huge part of my formative years.  And the stories that she wrote of Anne were great.  Mostly because Gilbert doesn't die!  They grow old together and have kids (none of them named Dominic) and they live happily ever after, just as we all knew they would.  Killing him off and giving Anne a long lost father and brother and made up son is just preposterous.

I object! 

I totally smoked those kids

1.) I turned on Jeopardy the other night and saw that it was kids week and I thought, "Sweet! I can totally smoke these kids!" Oh, admit it, you do the same thing. We all love it when it's kid/teen/college/celebrity week because we know that the answers are going to be easier and we can feel smart and superior. And while I did feel superior, I was surprised by how unnerved I was by these kids' freakish knowledge. They knew everything! Like stuff I didn't know until my 30s. I will admit that the bulk of my knowledge at 12 consisted of Baby Sitters Club trivia and the birth dates of all the members of New Kids on the Block.

2.) The contents of my shopping basket yesterday were: 1 box of saltines, 3 cans of soup, 1 bottle of apple juice, 1 bottle of ginger ale. I have the stomach flu. Do you know why? Because Flat Rachel is visiting Rac this week and the bad juju has somehow been transported through her to me. We can not catch a break, Rac!

3.) Hey, remember that I challenged you to read To Kill a Mockingbird this summer? I took the challenge too and finished it today and cried like a baby and then sat for a few minutes and sighed. It gets me every time.

4.) Does anyone have any good book recommendations. What I am specifically looking for is a really great story. A page turner. The kind of book that will make me neglect housework more than I already do. If you give me a book recommendation you'll be entered to win a Mr. T bookmark. Wouldn't that just make your summer if you won?

The Passive Agressive Slam

I saw two excellent example of the passive aggressive slam:

1.) Last night on Jeopardy! the contestants came out looking a little dressed down. The girl (Who was an art history graduate student and got one of the art history questions wrong. Ouch.) was dressed in slacks and a sweater and the two guys were both in dockers and button down shirts, one with a tie, one without. Alex came out and said, "Had I known it was casual day I wouldn't have worn a suit." Burn! The guy in the tie won.

2.) I was loitering in one of the non-fiction aisles at the library this morning (Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks - he's my smarty-pants crush. What? I'm 80!) and some guy was sitting at one of the carrels yakking away on his cell phone. I see out of the corner of my eye a concerned senior citizen walk up to him and I hear him slam something down on the top shelf of the carrel then walk away. When I walked passed him I saw that it was a sign that read, "Keep it low." and it had a cell phone with a line through it. You tell him Old Guy!

Do they have hayrides in The Iraq?

1.) Did you think I was joking about the hayrides at my grandpa's 89th birthday party?

Because I wasn't.

Oh how we laughed and laughed. Even when we passed by a bunch of cows and my uncle said, "Those will be dinner in about 90 days."

2.) Is anyone else watching Amazing Race? And if so, weren't you so relieved when the cowboys were safe? And also, if you're not watching it, why not? Do you know what you're missing? That Miss Teen USA contestant who gave the glorious answer as to why some Americans can't find America on the map. She said one of the reasons why she wanted to be on the show is to prove to people that she's not as dumb as she sounded in that answer. I am happy to report she is failing brilliantly at this.

We Danced with Ellen

I went to a taping of the Ellen show yesterday (which is airing today. Look for me waving over the heads of the tall people standing in front of me in the very very very back) with Camille, Allison and Lydia*, and here is what happened:

1.) We danced A LOT. After waiting in the holding area across the street in the parking garage for 2 hours they finally moved us into the studio and started us dancing. For like 30 minutes. Which, I have to say, is loads of fun. But also sweaty because you're dancing under hot studio lights. So all the preparation for possible camera sightings went out the window.

2.) LL Cool J blinded me with his super muscly arms. Knights of Columbus. If the camera adds 10 pounds his arms will look like tree trunks on TV. And I'm not talking about oaks or elms. No. Sequoias.

3.) Serena Williams came out and proved that the camera does indeed add 10 pounds because she is much smaller than she looks on TV. This could also be because she's normal sized and every one she competes against is a Russian stick figure.

4.) Ellen tried to convince us to go off of sugar. Fat chance.

Here's what didn't happen:

1.) We didn't go home with anything. I haven't watched a lot of her show but in the ones that I have seen she gives things away. And not just boxes of Rice-a-Roni, but good things like Wiis and iPods. While we were waiting down in the parking garage they showed us previous episodes wherein she gave tons of stuff away. So let's just say our expectations were high that we would get something. Anything. And yet, we left with nothing. And let me tell you, the people were bitter. We all walked out with sad, disappointed looks on our faces and I think that had we not spent the last hour and a half dancing like maniacs we would have had the strength to storm the offices and revolt.

*Lydia is Swiss and Allie, Camille and I are of Swiss decent which means that chocolate and cuckoo clocks magically appeared on the dashboard on our drive out to Burbank.

If Tim Gunn says it, you must obey!

Did you hear what Tim Gunn said last night when one of the contestants on Project Runway said he was going to make leggings?

"Ugh. Leggings. Don't get me started."

I could not agree with you more, Tim.

Leather Tuscadero

For the most part, I like my hair cut. But some days it's a little too Leather Tuscadero.



Like today, for instance, would have been an excellent day to wear my studded leather jumpsuit.

I'm going to have to bring a pinata to the finale to living things up

Who is totally unexcited about the finale of So You Think You Can Dance?*

Me.

Because all of my favorite dancers are gone. Jeanette was my number 1, followed by Ade, then Melissa. And now they're all gone.

All those weeks of watching Mary Murphy scream...wasted.

Well, full disclosure, I barely watched Mary Murphy at all. DVR was invented so that we all could fast forward right through her hot tamale train yelping.

*I just realized that, other than my mild obsession with America's Next Top Model, I don't often write about current television shows that I watch. I don't know why that is. I certainly am not trying to give off the impression that I don't want a lot of TV. Trust me, folks, that is not the case. I watch loads of TV. And I don't know about you, but it has always kind of bothered me when people say, "Oh, I don't really watch TV." Like they're just too busy dusting their volumes of the OED to watch a rerun of MASH. (Fact: I don't ever get tired of MASH reruns. Ever.)

I reached up and felt a spear lodged in my head

The CD was disk 1 of Troubadour by Donovan. I love this CD because 1.) It has one of my possible Top 10 songs on it - Catch the Wind, and 2.) there are a few songs on there that you listen to and you instantly can picture a gogo dancing scene from a movie. You know, girls in short dresses and white boots, guys in tight pants, love beads, side burns, psychedelic lights flashing, groovy man. Like that club in the movie Cactus Flower. What, you haven't seen Cactus Flower? You should. Really.

***

I had a rough night and now I'm feeling slightly loose around the edges and wobbly, like a bobble-head Rachel. I've been fighting off a sinus infection and last night it laid siege on my head. I woke up around midnight with a headache that was so bad I actually put my hand to my forehead and was surprised to find that there wasn't a spear lodged in it. It certainly felt like there should have been one. A big one, with splintery wood.

So I was up for a couple of hours waiting for the medication to kick in and for the room to stop spinning (does anyone else get dizzy when you have a sinus infection? I'm going to have to wear a helmet pretty soon from all the running into walls I've been doing.) and I ended up watching Jimmy Fallon's show. He was actually pretty funny. I generally think he's a little too ticky but he seems to have calmed down. He was interviewing Anne Hathaway and, I don't know, I just feel sort of awkward whenever I see her. Like she's this close to saying something embarrassing because she's the type of girl you don't expect to hear it from so she wants to shock you with her Worldly Knowledge. So then I turned it over to Craig Ferguson and he was interviewing Mary Louise Parker, who I also feel awkward watching because she comes off as actually having a ton of Worldly Knowledge and it's intimidating. Plus she was wearing the shortest dress I've ever seen which presented a scenario fraught with Worldly Knowledge.

I feel like I'm rambling. Am I rambling? This is the affect no sleep and a spear to the head have on me. But I wanted to point out that it wasn't just the sinus infection that made it a rough night.

America's Next Top Short Model

I completely forgot to tell you yesterday about the MOST EXCITING NEWS EVER.

A commercial came on during America's Next Top Model. It was a casting call for girls to be on the next cycle. But it wasn't for the leggy Amazonians that generally compete. It was for SHORTIES LIKE ME! Apparently, cycle 13 of ANTM is going for short girls only. 5'7" and under. I really hope a midget gets on.

Cures for the wet ponytail

I overslept this morning. I blame myself. I had sugar last night after 8 and when I do that I get really antsy and fidgety and when I finally fall asleep I have really crazy dreams so I don't get any real solid sleep and it's hard to wake up in the morning. Which is fine on a day when I don't have to wash my hair but today I did. And that wouldn't be a problem because it's Wednesday and I can get into work whenever I want to on Wednesday except that we had a repair guy coming in for our dryer at 8 and I had to be here. Which means that I had 30 minutes to get ready this morning and that is not enough time to wash and dry and tame my tumbleweed hair. So I was forced to do the wet ponytail.

Have I told you about the wet ponytail? I feel miserable when I have the wet ponytail. I feel like a failure. There was a time back in the old days at the school district when I hated my job and I would stay in bed too long because I didn't want to face the day so I would go to work every day with a wet ponytail. To me, it is a sign of defeat. So, even though I've gone months without resorting to it, the fact that I had to today put me in a bit of a funk.

But this is not a tale of despair. Oh no. Because minutes after I put my hair back in the wet ponytail I was driving to work and I passed by a woman walking her dog. Wait, strike that. She was pushing her dog...IN A STROLLER! It was a little white shih tzu and it was wearing a sweater and was sitting in the stroller like it was the ruler of all four legged creatures. And I just laughed and laughed and laughed. There are few things more ridiculous than a woman pushing a dog in a stroller. And I wanted to pull my car over and give her a hug and a handshake because how can you be sad about a wet ponytail after that?

***************************************************
Update: Here's another cure for the wet ponytail blues

I just got off the phone with our patient database tech support. He sounded EXACTLY like Kenneth from 30 Rock. So much so that when we were hanging up and he said, "I was happy to help you, Miss Rachel," I actually said, "Thanks, Kenneth." It just slipped out! I would have meant it too except that he was zero help. But he certainly gave me a laugh.

Smattering

Instead of watching the debate last night I switched between watching the Dodger's lose and the season finale of Project Runway. My one consolation of the night was that Kennley lost. Her clothes were alright but her constant whining and eye-rolling made me want to put her in a corner -- for eternity. She spent all season being snippy with Tim Gunn! And Heidi! Who does she think she is? I only wish she had been rude to Nina Garcia. You know that Nina would have shot laser beams out of her eyes and then called the remaining ashes and wee little feather hat left on the runway "trashy."

Anyway, while watching Project Runway they had a promo for "Australia", the new movie with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman and directed by Baz Luhrman. It looks like I may want to see it because 1.) hubba-hubba, Hugh Jackman, and 2.) I love Baz Luhrman movies. He has flare. If I believed in having favorite movies Strictly Ballroom would be in the running. And I like Nicole Kidman, when she's not whispering her lines. But here's my issue. Last night when she was introducing the clip I was horrified by the color(s) of her hair. Her roots were the color of frozen corn and the rest of it was like corn after you've left it in the microwave too long. I don't know if it was for a movie or for Halloween or if she's too busy with her new baby and snuggling with Keith Urban to schedule an appointment with her colorist or if she has actually requested having two shades of corn in her hair. My point being that I am once again flummoxed by the Rich and Famous' inability to pull it together.

*****************
On a slightly more serious note: I wouldn't have watched the debate anyway for a very good reason. Whenever I watch debates this is all I hear:

Guy 1: Here's a very vague and over-simplified synopsis of my
plan. Blahbitty-blah-blah Chocolate For Everyone!
Guy 2: Now, why don't you be honest with these good people and tell
them that in order for everyone to have chocolate we will have to
kill bunnies under your plan.
Guy 1: We're not going to kill ALL the bunnies. Although
some of them will sort of have to die. But dead
bunnies are what the people want if it means chocolate. And besides it's
better than your plan that involves kicking small children.
Guy 2: I never said I would kick small children. I only said
that there was a possibility that small children would get in the way of my
swinging foot. The people demand it.
Guy 1: You're dumb.
Guy 2: You're ugly.
Guy 1: But I respect you.
Guy 2: I don't hate you some of the time.

How does this feel?

(Disclaimer: I like sports. Really, I do. I don't follow all of them, and I have been known to root for or against a team based solely on the state they were from (name one likable team from Florida. I dare you.) or the color of their jersey, but, with the exception of cricket and Australian Rules Football, I can watch a game and understand and appreciate what's going on. I like watching a good game, I read Sports Illustrated, I have painted my face and worn a giant foam finger. So, I like sports. But I do not like sports television reporting, and this is just one of many points I could have covered regarding it. Like how the play-by-play guys always say, "The best thing they can do now is score." Why isn't this genius on the team's payroll?)

I'm not really a basketball fan. But I like to see people win so I tuned into the end of the NBA finals to watch the Celtics school the Lakers. And I was happy about that, until the post-game interview. I dislike the post-game interview more than I dislike basketball. And that's really saying something. I'm not talking about the post-game press conference, I'm talking about the interview where the reporter is on the field or court and grabs a player just seconds after they win, confetti and sweat pouring down, fans and players screaming and jumping everywhere, you know, general pandemonium, and attempts to scream the all important question that is burning on every one's lips: "You just won! How does it feel?"

How does it feel? As in, how does winning a championship feel? Well, I guess it feels pretty great. And that's just me saying that having never actually won a championship. How do you think it feels? And what revolutionary thing do you think the player is going to say? "Truthfully, I've had a better time playing basketball on my Wii, but I guess this is okay."

It's not just that they ask the question, it's that they ask it 3 or 4 times.

Reporter: How does it feel?
Player: Great.
Reporter: So, it feels pretty great, huh?
Player: Yeah, it feels great.
Reporter: Have you ever felt this great before?
Player: Well, this is a pretty great feeling...
Reporter: This must be the greatest moment of your life.
Player: (nods head)
Reporter: Of all the great moments in your life, where does this rank? Great, greater or greatest?
Player: Is this a trick questions?
Reporter: No, I just want to know how great does this feel?
Player: (palms the reporter's head and slam dunks it)

Tonight's post-game interview was particularly painful to watch. Some gal pulled Kevin Garnett aside, maybe 20 seconds after the clock ran out and asked him the question. He was emotional and looked like he would rather be with his teammates instead of having this woman nestle under his sweaty armpit with a microphone shoved up his mouth, and he took a second to compose himself and answer the question but answered it well, if not a little incoherently. And then she asked it again. And he answered it another way. And then she asked it again. She would not stop with the question! She just kept clinging onto him like a baby possum and shouting his name, even when he was jumping around and hollering. And it went on FOREVER. It was killing me. Let the man go! You're embarrassing yourself. Now is not the time to be the Young Intrepid Girl Sports Reporter With Moxy. Now is the time to get off the court and let the team have their moment. That would have really felt great.

Reality Check

A couple of things...
1.) Who is super excited that Lisa didn't win Top Chef? I sure am. I liked both Stephanie and Richard so it didn't matter to me which one got it. All I really wanted was for Lisa to not win. She was just so unappetizing.
2.) Is Cat Deeley pregnant? I'm watching So You Think You Can Dance right now and she looks a little bit like she could be with child. She keeps patting her belly and she's wearing a high wasted dress that could have been chosen the hide something. Maybe she had too many donuts this morning. Time will tell. Maybe Google will as well.

Okay, and a bonus...
3.) I LOVE the way the British say boogie. Like booooooogie. Cute.

Scurvy may cause uncontrollable swearing

I think I may be coming down with a wee bit of the scurvy (argh!) because what I've been craving more than anything is citrus fruit. And mostly grapefruit. This is unusual because up until yesterday I was pretty sure I didn't like grapefruit. But a craving is a craving and I ate the one that was sitting on my kitchen counter for 2 days (which I bought when the craving began and I happened to be at Sprouts and grapefruit was on sale.) and friends, it was delicious. Why haven't any of you told me that grapefruits are yummy?

Scurvy naturally makes me think of the sea, which naturally makes me think of the show Carrier that has been airing on PBS. A camera crew filmed a deployment (6 months maybe. Or a year. I can't remember.) of an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf. Fascinating stuff. It made me both love the military and applaud my decision to not be in it. I can't do push-ups, for one. And I don't look good in turtle necks, which most of the crew were wearing. But what I really wanted to bring up was that saying, "He swears like a sailor." Because what I have learned from this show is that if there were ever a group that really deserved that distinction, it would be actual sailors. And maybe the contestants on Top Chef.

On this day of joy and gladness

I think I may have pulled a muscle from all the fist pumping, high kicking, shoulder shimmying, jazz handing, woot-wooting, booty shaking, finger snapping and heel clicking. The Office is back on and all is right with the World.