Thursday, May 4, 2017

Get your hobbyhorse ready

1. A motorcycle past me on the freeway the other day. The rider had on a leather jacket with foot-long fringe running down the length of the sleeves. There was also fringe on the end of his handlebars and fringe on his side bags. It was very reminiscent of one of those dogs that look like a mop. On my drive home that same day I saw an ice cream truck with a very terrifying snake coiled around a tree branch with its mouth wipe open, fangs dripping with venom, ready to eat your child whole. I ask you, as a parent, would you let your child buy her choco-taco from such a proprietor?  Look, you don't have to put balloons and cartoon characters on your ice cream truck if you don't want to. But maybe rethink the poisonous serpent. It reminded me of the windowless van that for years was parked across the street from the elementary school around the corner from my house. It had a mural covering the entire driver's side of Chucky, classic 80s horror flick doll, ripping through the wall. Nearly every time we drove by it my siblings and I would all shout, "Chucky Van!"

2. Did you hear about the the guy who was upset because he had to sit next to a dog on a flight? and then The Internet got its pitch fork out and was all, "You're the worst! And a jerk for hating dogs! They should put YOU in baggage!" Guess what, the guy was right. Dog's shouldn't be on planes. There I said it. If you bring your dog on a plane and you don't have a legitimate medical reason to do so and it is not certified and professionally trained, you just want it there because you love it and you can't be apart from it, then you're kind of rude and you should drive your car to wherever you need to go rather than subject the paying customers sitting next to you to your smelly, furry dog. Thus is the lot of all responsible pet owners. You're going to be inconvenienced from time to time. Not everyone loves dogs. And, more importantly, not everyone HAS to love dogs as public opinion more and more seems to dictate. A lot of people have fur allergies. Some people are afraid of dogs because they've been bitten by them because dogs, even the sweetest of them, are still animals. Dogs also smell. If you're around your dog a lot you probably can't smell it anymore. But I can. And it's gross. Dogs also shed and get hair on everything. Additionally, flying has become a miserable experience. You pay a lot only to be manhandled in security, charged for your carry-on, and handed a bag of 6 peanuts and half a can of ginger ale. I don't have a problem with dogs in general. In fact there are several dogs that I have loved and do love, like Lindsay's dog Boe. But even Boe can spend hours licking himself and the sound of it drives me up the walls. And if I had to sit next to a dog on a plane and smell his bad breath as he licked himself I would be very upset. I wouldn't make a fuss about it, but I would certainly be seething on the inside and mentally writing strongly worded letters to the airline about their animal policy while I sip my 2 ounces of ginger ale. (DO NOT compare this to a baby being on board. Dogs are not humans. Your argument ends there.)(And DO NOT get me started on the survey that was reported a few months back where some outrageously high percentage of people said that if their dog and a stranger were both drowning and they could only save one of them they would choose their dog. That is simply monstrous.)(End of Rant.)

3. And now to show that I am not totally dead inside I'll share Camille's idea for a possible activity at our next family reunion. This is a real thing.



Girls in Finland are going nuts for hobbyhorses! Can you believe we live in such a glorious time? They're doing hobbyhorse dressage! This makes Finland the cutest country, right? Move over Prancercize. (I kid. Prancercize is number 1 in my heart. All you need are ankle weights and sass.)