Tuesday, February 26, 2013

No badge required

Emsy invited me to once again join her at Medieval Times last week.  Naturally I accepted.  Life tip:  you do not pass up a night of jousting and eating copious amounts of food with your hands.  I met her at her office and we decided to use the bathroom before leaving because the bathroom sitch at MT is sketchy.  So she put her stuff in my car and then I decided I didn't need to take my purse in so I threw it in and shut the door and immediately realized that my keys were in there.  Ugh.  I HATE locking my keys in my car.  I haven't done it in years.  But the last two times I did it were within 24 hours of each other and I vowed it wouldn't happen again.  FAIL! But Em was a trooper and didn't even flinch and we used the security guard's cell phone to call AAA (she also, incredibly generously, offered to let us use her car and credit card and said she would just find a ride home.  We decided to not be enormous jerks and thanked her for the offer but declined.)

So we still had to pee and decided to do so while waiting for AAA to arrive.  Em works for the government so she asked the same security guard if I needed a badge or visitor pass to go inside the building.  And then the guard may have said the funniest thing I heard all night, in a night full of funny things, mind you.  "No," she said, "you don't need a badge to tinkle."  I nearly died.  And I decided that it was worth locking my keys in the car to hear that.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

I am not really pretty in pink though

Valerie's friend sent her some questions to answer and she did.  And then she asked us all to answer so I am.  Because I do what Valerie says.  And I like this sort of thing. 
1. If someone kindly offers you something you really just do not want, are you the kind of person who
a) accepts graciously
b) accepts but reluctantly and perhaps trashes the item later
c) flat-out refuses, in a trying-to-be-friendly way, but you really stand your ground, potentially making things quite awkward. But in my defense, they kept pressing and no means no, man!

b.  But always politely.  I will say that I have no problem throwing things away that have been gifted to me.  Does that make me a jerk?  Even if I'm super nice and gracious about receiving it?  Because I really am.  I'm sincerely touched by the intent.  But maybe it's just not my thing.  I love you all the same.

2. People are often told they look like a famous person. Who's someone you've been told you look like? 

Twice in one day I was told that I looked like Molly Ringwald. It has not happened since.  But I get it, we both have long faces and downward turning mouths. And I was wearing her prom dress from Pretty in Pink (ugh, I wish).

3. What sense would you lose if you had to lose one? 

There are many days when I wish my nose would stop working because you people wear a lot of perfume and cologne.  Yes, you do.  You think you don't but you totally do. And I was working out the other day next to the Stinkiest Man on the Planet.  Merciful Heavens! I could taste the stench that was coming from him.  And then I started to panic.  What if I smell like that.  Surely he doesn't realize he stinks.  What if I don't realize I stink.  I mean, I'm at the gym, we all stink.  But this was a debilitating stink. Please don't let me stink like that.  So, maybe smell.  But then food wouldn't taste as good.  Hmm.  This is a toughy.  Touch maybe?  But what would that be like?  Like you're numb all over?  I'm in a spiral.  I can't decided.  NONE!  I GIVE UP NONE OF THEM!

4. Are you a fight or flight kind of person? Give an example.

Well, this is much easier, flight.  I would rather do almost anything in the world than confront someone.  I am a coward. There are too many examples to list. But I will say that I have a bit of a sassy pants streak that makes me want to fight but whenever I attempt it I find I come off more as a jerk than a defender of justice.  I have never found success with fight.

5. What are one or more foods that you used to hate but now absolutely love? 

Cucumbers.  HAAAAAATED them.  Up until last July when I could think of nothing else but eating one.  It took me weeks to convince myself to pick one up at the store but I finally did and I haven't been able to stop eating them since.  I have cucumbers every single day.

6. What's a food you used to love but now hate?

I don't know that this has happened to me before but I will say that I used to love donuts and still crave them from time to time but am always disappointed when I eat one now.  The sugar is too much and I feel awful afterwards. This is a bit of a heartbreaker for me.

7. If you had to name your child one of these names, which would you pick?
a. Gertrude -
b. Hilda -
c. Bathsheba
d. Chastity

Gertrude.  I kind of love old lady names on babies.  But I knew a Hilda once and she was one of the sweetest people I've met.  So I have nice associations with it.  Bathsheba is too fraught with Biblical connotations and Chastity just seems like a bad set-up.

8. What's your dream job? Like, if you lived in an alternate universe. For me, an astronaut, or a world class cellist. 

I'm with Val's friend on this one:  an astronaut.  It always has been, since I was a wee kid.  Lately, in fact, I've been dreaming about it more and more. I mean, seriously, what would it take to get me up to the International Space Station for a month's visit?  I keep hoping that NASA will sponsor some sort of writing contest.   

9. What's a movie you daydream of being the star of? 

Easy, the Sound of Music.  You get to run around Austria AND make out with the Captain.  It's a no-brainer.

10. If a T-Rex suddenly appeared in your neighborhood, where would you hide? 

The roof of my apartment building.  They can't climb, can they?  I mean, they have those stubby little arms. So unless we're dealing with a really tall one, I think I would be okay up there. Although now that I think about it, I have no idea how tall T-Rexes get.  You may recall that one time I went to the Natural History Museum I didn't get to see the dinosaur bones because we were to busy looking at all the ancient earthenware.  Still bitter, fourth grade teacher!

11. What's one of your favorite things/lines/paragraphs ever written? yes, you have to go find it for me.

Can I do two?  From Good Omens about the Other Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse: "Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty to Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them a Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them." 

And from Jane Eyre because it is the truest thing every written:  "Come, Miss Jane, don't cry," said Bessie as she finished. She might as well have said to the fire, "don't burn!"

12. What's one great lesson (as in huge. It can be great too, though) you've learned since becoming a mother?  

I hope that when I become I mom I have learned how to lasso. That could come in handy.

13. You have mint chocolate chip ice cream and fudge brownie ice cream. Which do you choose after dinner?  

Is this a legitimate questions?  Because if you have both as an option why don't you just have both?  Halfsies.  I suppose if I had to choose it would be fudge brownie, but why choose?

14. What are you currently watching on Netflix? or the last thing you watched. Can you give me a quote from it or something noteworthy? 

I watched an episode of 30 Rock last night before going to bed. All the episodes run together in my head.  I think Jack did a DeNiro impression.

15. What's a secret about you that nobody knows?  

Mmmmmmm, uncomfortable.  I hate sharing secrets.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Sparkles every Sunday!

On Sunday before church started I was sitting with two little girls about preschool age, one who normally sits with me through some of the meeting until she gets bored with me and another who just followed her in.   We were discussing our outfits.  They both were pointing out the finer details of their dresses:

"I have a bow here and a bow here."
"I have a ruffle."
"I have sparkles."
"I have sparkles too."

I looked at my own outfit and to my horror discovered that I didn't have any bows, ruffles, or sparkles.  I pointed out my necklace which was colorful but not shiny and my ring which was shiny but essentially just a piece of metal.  They were rightfully unimpressed. 

I have got to up my game.  From here on out there will be sparkles every Sunday!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I'm ready for my close-up

The management switched out our old bathroom lights for new energy efficient lights.  Which is all well and good for the environment but is a tragedy for my self esteem.  You cannot imagine how harsh these lights are.  I feel like I'm being interrogated for espionage (I wish!)  The pores on my face are casting shadows. This zit on my cheek looks like the Mt. Everest of blemishes. My nose is twice it's normal size. I suppose it will come in handy when I'm plucking my eyebrows but I'm afraid I'm going to show up to work tomorrow looking like Norma Desmond because who knows how my make-up will look in this light.

Dear Flo, please bring back the dim energy-sucking lights!  I'm sure you're 90 year old face would agree with me.  Hugs and Kisses, Rachel.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Harrison, Harding, and Polk

1.  Happy Presidents Day!  And let's hear it for the lesser ones, the ones you never really think about.  Like Rutherford B Hayes.  Or Calvin Coolidge ("PUT TOGETHER!" Name the movie for a million imaginary points.) Or Taft, or Van Buren, or Arthur, or Polk.  Does anyone know anything about Polk?  Note to self: research Polk.

2.  I honored the presidents by staying in bed this morning and finishing Fire.  Gah!  That was a fun read. And later in the day I went over to the church where the kids were having a Book of Mormon Read-a-thon, where members of the ward came and read out loud to them.  The whole book. Over three days.  (Note: if you're planning on doing this bring some air freshener. By the third day it smelled very strongly of Teenager Funk.) I don't know about the kids but I had a good time. I've mentioned recently how much I enjoy reading out loud.  Remember how much Jo March hated reading out loud to her Aunt Josephine?  I think I would have loved it.

3.  Kaiya, my little pal and founding member of the Art Society, drew me this picture:
 With this description on the back:

"You're a star that shines so brightly that is why I made you this."

And then I cried myself into a slobbery puddle because of all the cuteness.

4.  I watched Oprah interviewing Daniel Day-Lewis tonight and while I find Oprah to be insufferable (she never lets her guests talk! She will not shut up about all the epiphanies she has had.) I managed to develope a bit of a crush on Daniel Day-Lewis.  I think I've only ever seen him in A Room With a View (Ah, Cecil.) because in every other movie he is playing some kind of vile character and I'm not sure that I've ever seen him interviewed.  But holy cats!  He came across as a little bashful but incredibly charming.  Lincoln is officially on my summer viewing list (when I can stay awake past 9.)

Thursday, February 14, 2013

V-Day at the Gym

Here's who you see at the gym on Valentine's Day:

My gym:  the type of guys women wisely stay away from.  Not because they're unattractive but because they scream at the TV when UFC is on and the only words they know are the four-letter kind, "dude",  and the phrase, "My hammies are totally shredded."

Katie's gym (an all women's place): bitter women.  The kind who when they hear "Happy Valentine's Day!" reply, "Oh, is it?  Is it REALLY?"

Happy Valentine's Day you lovely, lovely people.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


You know I don't pick favorites but I would have to say that my favorite cookie is my mom's chocolate chip.  And then an oatmeal chocolate chip.  And then a nice lemon cookie. And on the bottom would be anything with raisins or anything that someone claims is healthy.  Why would I want to eat a healthy cookie?  And also, why are you giving me a healthy cookie?  Do you hate me?

Somewhere in the middle of that list is the snickerdoodle.  Sure, I like them, but I would never request them.  And if there were other options (that didn't have raisins or wheat germ in them) then I'd choose those first.  That is, until tonight.  My seminary kids requested snickerdoodles so I pulled out the America's Test Kitchen baking book and made their recipe and Knights of Columbus!  If those weren't the best cookies I've ever eaten I don't know what were.  They were buttery and sugary and cinnamony and the edges were crisp and the centers were chewy and my whole place smells like Baked Goods Heaven now. I had two.  And will probably have two tomorrow as well.  And then work out for two hours.  But worth it, right?

Monday, February 11, 2013

I'll be loving you forever

Don't be jealous, friends, but I just got tickets to the the New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees, Boyz II Men concert.  13 Year Old Rachel is DYING right now. I think it has the potential of being one of the funniest things I've ever done.  You know I will do nearly anything for a good laugh and this concert seems like it could be hours of just that. If Joey McIntyre does not sing Please Don't Go Girl in a falsetto I'm going to be super disappointed.

It's in July.  I'm thinking about crimping my hair.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

She doesn't even have puff sleeves on that plaid shirt

I'm not sure why I'm even sharing this with you because to be quite honest, it ruined my night.  But when Hannah (Magnanimous Patron of Felt Art) clued me in I felt like this called for a group effort.  We need to collectively stoke our rage so that it will spontaneously combust and burn the eyebrows off of the person who came up with such a sacrilegious idea.  What idea?

This idea.


I could just vomit.

It's pretty common for me to get riled up about these sorts of things, like when they cast Carrie Underwood (another blond with roots) as Maria VonTrapp, or Kiera Knightly as Elizabeth Bennett.  I care, possibly too deeply, about these beloved characters.  But hear this now:  Anne Shirley is beloved above all.  I live my life by the question, "What would Anne Shirley do?" And when you make her look like she's about to hop is some hick's pickup truck to go drink beers down by the mill you have defiled sacred ground!

Commence the letter writing campaign!!!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Pass the clippers

After class this morning I was chatting with the other teachers and we were talking about how early we wake up.  We all said the same thing, "5 if I have to wash my hair, 5:30 if I don't." Although one teacher was 4:30 or 5, depending.  Which, for the record, if teaching seminary meant I had to wake up at 4:30 it would not take long before I checked out the Catholics.

Anyway, it struck me how many extra hours of sleep men get over a lifetime simply because they don't have to wake up earlier to do their hair.  They don't have to factor in how long it will take to wash, condition, dry, mousse, gel, round brush, straighten, curl, crimp, braid, and tousle every single morning.  We're probably talking years of extra sleep!  This is a racket.  I'm shaving my head.