Saturday, February 26, 2011

Goosed in FedEx

I went to the FedEx shop today to make some copies and while inside I was making my way around a corner where a couple was standing.  It was a bit of a tight turn and I was trying to make my way behind them but as I walked up the man walked away and the woman, whose back was turned to both of us, started to turn around and, thinking that I was her husband, grabbed my butt.  And then gave it a little squeeze and a pat.  By the time she made it all the way around she realized her mistake and had the most priceless face I have ever seen.  In an instant she went from confusion to realization to humiliation and finally, and gratefully, hysterical laughing.  Naturally, I thought it was the funniest thing to happen to me in a long time.  We both had to hold on to each other's arms to keep standing because we were laughing so hard.  And she kept saying, really loud, "I can't believe I just grabbed a complete stranger's butt!"

Friday, February 25, 2011

Things I've Lost This Week

1.)  My calendar (status:  still lost)
2.)  My keys (status:  found in Katie's purse - after several hours of searching and eventually giving up and calling into work to tell them I won't be making it in which is just so embarrassing because what am I, 12 and can't keep track of important things? and then getting back into my pajamas because gee whiz it's cold and raining out there and I felt defeated and frustrated and a bit in need of comfort and a hot chocolate.)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Even the appearance of poo

Last night was the Blue and Gold Dinner for the cub scouts commemorating 101 years of scouting.  I wanted to find some of those awesome scout socks, you know, the green ones with the red stripe on top, but as knee high socks make me look about 2 inches tall I didn't try too hard.  Let's talk about how funny 8-11 year old boys are.  Sure, if left to their own devices they would tie you up with their neckerchief and tell you fart jokes until you plead for mercy, but they'll be so funny while they're doing it that you'll barely notice the younger ones lighting your toes on fire.  It's charming in a Lord of the Flies sort of way. 

The boys each had to make a cake to celebrate and they were all funny or creative or fancy (thanks to their moms).  But one was just flat out repulsive looking.

Behold, the kitty litter cake.  (And no, I'm not going to post a picture of it on here.  The link will have to suffice.  Because it's gross.)

Everyone said it was delicious but I couldn't bring myself to look at it, let alone eat it.  On principle, you see.  I don't believe in eating things that have the appearance of poo.  No matter how funny or clever it may be.  And cats give me the creeps for the very reason that they claw around in their own toilet and then claw around your pants.  Or worse, your kitchen counter.  For the love of all that's good and holy, people, DON'T LET YOUR CATS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER!!!!  Okay, I'm over it.  Back to the cake.  I thought it was fitting that a cub scout would make such a thing.  But I'm still feeling a little queasy just thinking about it. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Surprise Primary Fieldtrip

(I was about to tell you the story of how 10 years ago this weekend I found myself having one and only encounter with NASCAR when I watched the Daytona 500 race where Dale Earnhardt died, but NASCAR bores me so much that I can't even bring myself to write about it without falling asleep on my keyboard.  So here's a wee little story from Primary.)

We were in Jr. Primary (the 7 and under crowd) and about to start some singing when suddenly the fire alarm goes off.

Me:  Kids, please line up at the door behind your teachers in case we have to go outside
The Kids:  AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I rush down to the Sr. Primary classes to make sure they're okay and find out that it's a false alarm so I head back to find the little ones walking single file behind their teachers, arms folded and not saying a word.  This show of reverence was such a novelty that I instantly wanted to high five them.  I refrained and I let them enjoy 5 minutes outside while they reset the alarm.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Hide your prescription meds

1.  Did anyone else watch Jeopardy! where the robot who is going to take over the world wiped the floor with the human contestants?  Okay, so it's not a robot...YET.  It's technically a super computer the size of a living room  But trust me, those nerds at IBM are working on getting it into fighting shape so it can steal old people's medicine.  The truth is, while I was rooting for the humans (Go Us!) I was really thinking, "That would be a pretty lame computer if it didn't cream them."

2.  Due to some church responsibilities I had a long list of people to call tonight and so I worked my way through about 6 and when I got to the 7th she asked, "How many more people do you have to call?"  and I said, "A lot"  and she said, "Do you want me to make those calls for you?"  And then I hugged her through the phone.  Because to someone with a phone phobia (Hi!) being offered that is like someone saying, "Here, have this sack of gold doubloons." 

3.  I'm in a reading funk.  A funk, I say!  I've started and stopped no fewer than 5 books in the last 3 weeks because nothing is grabbing my attention.  Quick, someone please give me a book that will make me want to ditch work to finish it. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Put down that Twinkie!

Dear Friends,

Today at the Pod I saw the most vivid example of why we should all avoid diabetes:  a freshly amputated toe!  EGADS! 

Hoping you eat your veggies,

Monday, February 14, 2011

Even the dogs are a little embarrassed by what you're wearing

Dear Ladies Who Show Dogs at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show,

Floral print wide-legged jumpsuits went out of style in 1993.  The world hasn't accepted enormous hair bows or scrunchies since 1989.  Tapestry vests, broomstick skirts, the color mauve - all hit their prime 20 years ago.  And unless you're 6 feet tall and have knitting needles for legs orthopedic pumps with sheer black stockings and a fitted skirt that hits below the knee is going to make you look like Mrs. Stumpy McStumperson.  The deck is already stacked against you - you run around a carpeted ring with a fancy dog - and I know that function is probably your primary goal, but have some dignity.  Your on national TV and that whippet you're running along side isn't the only thing people are looking at.  I telling you this because I care.  Consider it my Valentine's gift to you. 

Hugs and Kisses,

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Cocoa and...

I was reading something wherein George Clooney answers questions about malaria, which he had recently, and I was struck by something:  he needs a punctuation lesson.  And who better to teach him than I?  

Dear George Clooney,

First, let me say that you have fantastic hair.  And you're a fine actor, even in the Facts of Life.  And I think the work you do to shed light on important issues such as the situation in Darfur and the enormous problem of malaria around the world is honorable.  And also, I think you're handsome.  And if you were to ask me to, oh, say, have a cup of hot cocoa with you, I would not turn you down. 

That being said, I'm going to have to cite you for Inappropriate Use of the Ellipsis.  It's a minor infraction but one that is a pet peeve of mine.  I break out in hives when people write like this...without any proper punctuation...they just keep typing and never end a sentence...because they keep (incorrectly) adding pauses...or unsaid words...or implying all sorts of thing.  Because that is what an ellipsis is.  It indicates a pause or something unsaid or implied.  It has a few other uses, none of which are as a stand-in for other punctuation, which is what you were doing.  Your response was littered with them, and all in places where a perfectly acceptable punctuation like a period or a semi-colon or even a dash would have sufficed.  When you throw in ellipses at the end of every thought it reads like you're hiding something or being coy or that you're at a loss for words.  Or worse, that you're having some sort of fit and can't remember what you were talking about or who you are and your stalling for time until it passes.  You're a national treasure, George!  Don't let the world fear for your mental health.

I'm not saying you shouldn't use the ellipsis.  It's a pretty powerful tool.  What would you think if you saw the following inside of Us Weekly:  "George and Rachel enjoyed a cup of cocoa and...."  Wink-wink, right?  See, I'm all for the ellipsis.  Even if, in this case, it just means a firm handshake.  Because who doesn't love a firm handshake? 

But we all must respect the rules, no matter how famous or nicely quaffed we are.

Hugs and Kisses and...a Firm Handshake,

Sunday, February 6, 2011

It's No Love Boat But It Will Do

On any truly serious Woman of Elegant Leisure's list of 101 Things To Do Before Going To That Silk Upholstered Boudoir In The Sky in a transatlantic crossing on an ocean liner.  Not a cruise ship.  That's just tacky.  An ocean liner.  One that will properly stow all your hat boxes and fur muffs.

I got close on Saturday at Laura and Mike's wedding (Holy Cats, Laura!  You're married!!!) aboard the Queen Mary.  An honest to goodness old-timey ocean liner that movie stars and royalty used to sail on back in the day before it was permanently docked in Long Beach a few decades ago.  Liberace sailed on it so you know it's high class.

If you are wondering what are appropriate activities on a docked ocean liner, here's a helpful list:

1.  Lounging on deck chairs

2. Dance Dance Revolution

3.  Heavy consumption of Shirley Temples


Also, if you're in the market, you can get married by the captain of the ship.  I posed the question before the ceremony, "How does one become the captain of a ship that doesn't go anywhere?"  I got my answer by asking the man himself.  His answer, "I'm a captain on another line.  They contract it out.  All the captains of the Queen Mary are dead, my dear."  He was a charmer.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses.

1.  Not once, but twice today I turned on the radio in my car and heard Witchy Woman.  Or should I say Witch-ay Woman.  Did you know that for years I thought I hated the Eagles.  It was because Hotel California was so overplayed.  I feel like for about a decade I couldn't go a day without hearing it.  So naturally I thought they were no good because they just would not leave me along.  Except that they're awesome.  Desperado, Take it to the Limit, Lyin' Eyes.  All classics.  Any group that comes up with a line like, "She was headin' for the cheatin' side of town," is okay in my book.

2.  I was putzing around on my work computer and noticed that there is a stats manager on the desktop so I clicked the icon and up popped the program with a message on the title page that said, "...based on the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard."  For real?!  My work computer is a Scientologist!  Does anyone remember those commercials from the 80s for Dianetics?  With the exploding volcano?  Rad.

3.  Before I left on my trip last year I was on the hunt for the Perfect Bag.  I had very specific requirements for it.  It had to be sturdy but not ugly.  It had to be big enough to hold all the essentials (wallet, camera, note pad, book, and about 50 pens) but not too big to be obnoxious.  It had to have a long strap for all day schlepping.  It had to have a few secure pockets.  It had to be a good color.  I had to be under $40.  I didn't find it and ended taking a far inferior bag.  Well, last week, I found it in the clearance rack at Target.  All the requirements were met, including the price which was $15.99.  Score!  But about 5 months too late.  Tonight I was having dinner with Emily and mentioned that when I look at a picture of myself on the trip I'm a little sad that I don't have my Perfect Bag with me.  And she suggested I photoshop it in. (Since I have such talent for stuff like that).

So, for Emily:

4.  So there's only a few hours left to it but Happy Groundhogs Day!  I'll meet you down at Cobbler's Knob.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

That'll teach me to wear jelly shoes and a side pony-tale

Doc at the Pod:  Rachel, you look really young today.
Me:  Um, thanks.
DatP:  Yeah, like 14.
Me:  ...
DatP:  Did you do something different?
Me:  No.  Maybe it's this zit on my forehead.