Modelland, gross hair, cream puffs and surviving consumption

1.)  I've survived the consumption.  Although I've had a bit of a relapse last night and today.  Because yesterday I had a burst of energy after holing up in my apartment and watching countless hours of Gilmore Girls (what else is a girl to do in such a weakened condition). I ended up cleaning my bathroom, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the kitchen, including moping the floor, shopping for fabric, shopping for groceries, visiting my mom, making a Halloween costume for a friend, making cream puffs and hosting book club.  By the time the ladies left last night it hit me that I was nigh unto death and I was in bed within 10 minutes.  A record.  But book club is always worth it. 

2.)  If you're going to have a book club you should read the Wednesday Wars.  And not just because it's a great book.  But also because cream puffs play a dominant part in it.  Which means that when your friends come over for book club they'll bring an assortment of cream puffs.  We had 4 different kinds.  You cannot beat that.

3.)  Stacy convinced me to try not shampooing my hair.  As in, get it wet and condition it and rinse it out, just don't shampoo.  She's been doing it (or rather, not doing it) for a few weeks now and claims her hair has become luxurious.  And truly, it looked that way when we Skyped on Sunday.  So I gave it a shot this morning.  EPIC FAIL.  When my hair dried it looked like I had soaked it in left over cooking oil and then styled it with lard.  And then it hit me - I already have decent hair, minus the tumbleweediness and robust cowlicks.  Why change anything?  Shampoo it is.

4.)  I finished Modelland.  It is the crappiest book I've ever read in my entire life.  Holy Cats in a Bag, it is so bad.  If I didn't love Tyra and her loony ways it would have been a nightmare for me.  I wouldn't have made it past page 20.  It is so bedazzled with descriptions of the craziest things - things I can't even recount or describe because there were so, so, so many. There were several moments (ok, every page) that I thought, "Is this even a book?  Or did Tyra's brain just vomit all over these pages?"  Which is to say, it was awesome.  I will be hosting a dramatic reading from it in a few weeks.  You are all invited and must come prepared to smize.

Gasp

am dying of consumption...please send ice cream.

One of the many perks of working for a podiatrist is when you walk in limping he can ask, "Is something wrong with your foot," and you can reply, "I don't know.  You tell me."  And he can!  And more so, he can do something about it.  Which is how I found myself today getting an injection of some legal controlled substance into the soft tissue between a couple of toes.

If you haven't had this done I'm going to give you my thought process so you can be prepared.

Hmm, not bad.  Just a little pinch, like he said.  Maybe a little more painful than giving blood.  Okay, now he's wiggling it around.  Still manageable.  There's a bit of a burning sensation, he must be injecting it.  Gosh, I'm grateful I got that pedicure last week.  But now I'm wishing I got the callus remover, even though we all know it's a scam.  How can he handle touching feet all day?  Because all those 90 years olds are not getting pedicures, that's for sure.  This is taking longer than I expected.  But it's not asSWEETLANDOFLIBERTYKNIGHTSFOCOLUMBUSFORTHELOVEOFALLTHATISGOODANDHOLYOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been hobbling all day, just like all those 90 year olds, and the pain is significantly worse than the pain the injection was supposed to help but I've been promised that in a few days I'll be as good as new - able to return to my carefree, frolicking ways. 

Pink

Things that have gone pink that shouldn't be pink:

1.)  My eye.  Once again, I have some weird eye infection that has turned my entire right eye pink - and oozy.  Bleh.  I'm pretty sure it's not actual pink eye because it doesn't hurt or itch or feel like my eyelids are made of sand paper.  But it does leak a whole lot.  And I think it's all allergy related because it has always come when I'm having a particularly difficult time with them.  But whatever the cause, it is disturbing and gross and I'd like for it to go away.

2.)  My neck.  Or rather, a ring around my neck.  We had a glorious Memorial Day that involved more time in the sun than I had anticipated and I now have a lovely necklace of slightly burnt skin around the collar.  But it was worth it.  We played bocci and went to the batting cages and ate homemade ice cream - which, in my book, constitutes the perfect day. 

Inconvenient

Do you know when a really inconvenient time to get the stomach flu is?  When you are in charge of a cub scout pack meeting and a girls camp pre-camp orientation on back to back nights.  Yes, my friends, very inconvenient.  I have spent the last 2 days trying my hardest not to vomit and/or pass out while talking to large groups of people.  These past 48 hours have reaffirmed my belief in miracles, ginger ale, anti-bacterial wipes and my mule-headed determination to never throw up.

Put down that Twinkie!

Dear Friends,

Today at the Pod I saw the most vivid example of why we should all avoid diabetes:  a freshly amputated toe!  EGADS! 

Hoping you eat your veggies,
Rachel

My ears have PMS

Remember how my ears were clogged? I haven't brought it up again because I feel whiny when I do and the truth is that it is exponentially better than it was when it all started. My right is all cleared up and my left is just sort of stuffy. I can pop both of them and I don't have trouble hearing anymore. You all sound normal again when before you all sounded like dolphins who magically learned English.

So, while my hearing has improved and the dizziness has gone away and the total despair that it would never ever in a million years go away and my fear of it being a freakish ear tumor that would eventually kill me have all but vanished, I still have a slight discomfort in the left ear. Like tube socks are stuffed in there.

Do you know what I just discovered eases that? Midol. Apparently my ears have just been bloated. I wonder if a pan of my PMS brownies and a Beaches/Steel Magnolias double feature would clear them up all together.

I'm Glad...

I'm planning on getting ice cream on my way home from work because:

1.) I have a stye which has caused my eye to get all puffy and droopy and purple. And because of it I can't wear make-up which, even though it's not really a tragedy, only adds to my general feeling of homeliness.

(Me, not smiling with my eyes. Sorry Tyra,)




2.) Our company finally got a 6 month assignment with a local government agency, after working to get one with them for a year, and we sent our girl down today to start and she left for lunch and never came back. A pox on you, Temp!!!! A pox!!!!

Maybe, in addition to ice cream, I need to play the Glad Game.

1.) I'm glad I'm wearing a cute outfit, to counteract the homeliness,
2.) I'm glad I don't look so drastically different without makeup so people aren't moved to ask if I'm dying of consumption,
3.) I'm glad that ice cream exists.

Maybe in addition to ice cream and the Glad Game I should have a give away!

Leave a comment about what makes you glad and I'll have a drawing for another Mr. T bookmark.

4.) I'm glad I can make Mr. T bookmarks and give them away.

Miracle Cures

We all have our own medical remedies. Things we swear by when the ague hits. Like, for instance, I firmly believe in the medicinal powers of 7-Up. I get this from my Grandma Knecht. She swore by it. So much so that once when Gina fell out of a moving car (this was before the days of mandatory seat belts and, apparently, car doors that stayed shut) she rushed over with a 2-liter bottle of it.*

And how can we forget the beloved Doc, who, among other things, told me to put raw bacon on my chest when I had a cough and to take 21 allergy pills a day when I had the sniffles. She was a gem.

Well, I have discovered Chiquita's miracle cure. I have a bit of a cold but I came into work yesterday because it's not that bad and Chiquita has a little cold as well, but by about 3pm I was fading and she could see this and told me to go home. (This was about 30 minutes after she got a phone call from her son saying that Michael Jackson was dead but it was before any official announcement was made and she yelled out of her office, "Rachel! We're going to stop what we're doing and get to the bottom of this rumor!") As I was cleaning my desk up for the night she came out of her office with an aerosol can of what I assumed was Lysol and said, "I'm going to take care of these germs so we don't keep getting sick," and then she went to town. By the time I made it to the door the office was socked in. I could make out through the haze that Chiquita had placed the can on the bookcase. So this morning I walked by it and noticed that it wasn't Lysol. It was a can of Glade Jasmine and White Rose Air Freshener. I thought about telling her that unless the stuff killed germs by asphyxiation, it wasn't going to be that productive. But it tickles me so much that she does it that I think I'm going to keep quiet.

*This happened maybe 30 years ago and some of my siblings weren't even born yet but the story is LEGEND. Mostly because along with the 7-Up she also brought a hand mirror for Gina to check out the wounds on her face. This cracks my family up. Anytime anyone is injured someone will inevitably say, "Would you like me to get you some 7-Up and a mirror?" And then we laugh like loons.

My arms are tingling

I'm feeling weird today. Not sick, just weird. Kind of jittery and sleepy at the same time. And my arms are tingling. Does this mean I'm dying?

Possible reasons for this are:

1.) I donated blood on Saturday and it always takes me a while to get over it.
2.) I had a pretty bad headache all day yesterday that has dulled but is still hanging around like that last person at a party you're throwing who won't leave, even after everyone else has gone home and you're doing the dishes and yawning and mentioning how tired you are and you just can't wait to get into bed. Dear Headache, It is time to go home. Love, Rachel.
3.) I got approximately 2 minutes of sleep last night.
4.) I didn't work out this morning and my body knows that it's suppose to work out on Monday morning and is now all, "I'll make you feel weird until you get up and move." Dear Body, Back off! I got 2 minutes of sleep, alright? Love, Rachel.
5.) I went cold turkey on my Easter candy and now my body is all, "But I need the chocolate. Gimme, gimme!"
6.) It's hot today. And it was hot yesterday. And spring was just so nice and pleasant and now we've entered into 6 months of summer and I'm just not prepared for it.
7.) Zac Efron.

I've put a poll up. Let me know if I'm dying or not.

Everything's better with bacon

The Doc is "EXTREMELY. CONCERNED."* about the consumption so she has prescribed the following course of treatment:

1.) Diathermy: This is a heat therapy we use in the office that consists of putting two large heating pads over the lung region and roasting the bacteria to death.
2.) An onion poultice: You chop up an onion, wrap it in cheese cloth, steam it, then tape it to your chest for 2-3 hours.
3.) Raw bacon: Place 3 slices of raw bacon around your neck and tape saran wrap over it and let it sit there for a few hours to draw up the blood and relieve some of the swelling in the throat.

I told her the only way I was going to do any of those was if I could do them all together so that the diathermy would cook the bacon and I would be both well AND delicious.

*She is also EXTREMELY. CONCERNED. about getting the wrong paper towels for the bathroom and the plants going a day without being watered. Which is to say that I am not extremely concerned in the least.