Wednesday, October 28, 2009


I'm in the midst of a really long post about my trip to the Bass Pro Shop but it's becoming unmanageable. Like my hair.

So instead I will ask you what your favorite word is. Mine is spatula.

Monday, October 26, 2009

1) Over the weekend I masterfully recreated the California Pizza Kitchen's Pear Gorgonzola pizza.* And I purposely saved two slices to have for lunch today. And I, of course, forgot them. Which just means something to look forward to for lunch tomorrow.

2.) It was the primary program in church yesterday. (Dear People Who Aren't Mormon: You should be, if only for the absolute JOY of the primary program). Thirty squirmy children, just barely keeping it together up on the stand in the chapel. They're waving to mom & dad, they're poking each other, they're making faces during the songs, they're lolloping about in their seats. It's the Best Sunday Ever.

3.) I was able to donate blood. Someone high five me!** And my phlebotomist was kind of cute and very proficient. He got the good vein in about 2 seconds.

4.) I purchased a purple shirt on Saturday and when I hung it up in my closet I noticed another purple shirt in almost the exact same shade. And then I noticed a purple sweater in almost the exact same shade. It was also next to a purple top in a different shade. And today I was wearing heels and decided that I needed some new flats for work so I went shoe shopping on my lunch break and purchased a pair of purple. Knights of Columbus! If you see me in purple pants please hold an intervention. But for now I am calling an Official Moratorium on purchasing purple attire.***

* I would post the recipe except that I can't actually remember my measurements. I could just make it up if you really want.

**I have about a 50% success record with donating blood. I feel like a failure when I can't.

***I blame my Queen Complex, by the way. Maybe I just can't help buying purple because my royal nature demands it.

Friday, October 23, 2009


I went to a lecture last night at the Claremont School of Theology that took a look at the priesthood from both the Catholic and Mormon perspectives. Really fascinating stuff. I learned all sorts of big words. And it has sent me to Wikipedia to study up on the Catholic church because the whole hierarchy confuses me. He called himself a pastor, and a priest, and his title is Right Reverend but he goes by Father Alexei and at one point someone in the audience referred a question to "the Bishop" and both he and Robert Millet (batting for the Mormons) stood up. Comedy, I tell ya. There were some really lovely and profound things said and as usual, whenever I get a perspective from other faiths it helps me understand and appreciate both their faith and my own faith all the more.

But as I've reflected on it throughout the day my mind keeps going back to one thing: Father Alexei had sensational hair. It was white and billowy and kind of sparkled in the overhead lights. He looked like Moses.

I am clearly 12 years old.

But, also 80. Because after the lecture we went out for yogurt and I broke my own curfew. I stayed out past 10 on a school night and I've been suffering all day because of it. Does this mean I'm grounded?

Thursday, October 22, 2009


Chiquita and I have decided to be kind to dumb people this week. Like, for example, instead of saying, "That is the dumbest person I've ever spoken with," we say, "That person is touched." It sounds kinder, doesn't it? Like evil pixies got a hold of them and addled their brains and they just can't help but say dumb things.

Example: We had a labor crew working on a two week assignment. One of them called me to say that there was an error on his check stub showing the incorrect date of his assignment and that he couldn't collect unemployment because of it. We had the following conversation:

Me: I'm very sorry but we can't change something that has already been printed and our payroll company will not issue a new check stub. But I will write a letter to your unemployment rep that explains the error and that should be fine.

The Touched: But I need the correct dates on this check stub or else I won't get paid.

Me: But that's impossible.

TT: So what am I suppose to do?

Me: The letter should be enough, but if it isn't have him call me. I'd be happy to explain.

TT: So you'll still change the date?

Me: No. We can't. But I'll write you a letter to give to him.

TT: Along with the check stub with the correct date?

Me: No. Instead of the check stub with the correct date because there won't be a check stub with the correct date.

TT: But I need a check stub with the correct date.

(At this point Chiquita leaves the office for the restroom. The conversation continues on in similar fashion: "I need a check stub," "I can't give you a check stub," etc. Chiquita returns from the restroom and finds me still in the vicious check stub cycle and gapes. She then points to her head and mouths, "Touched." I try not to laugh.)

Me: Why don't you tell me what you want me to do to help you get your money that doesn't involve a new check stub.

TT: Get me a new check stub.

Me: So you're saying that your unemployment rep will not accept a letter explaining the situation even though it is on official water-marked company letterhead and has my signature and my address and phone number which he can call at anytime Monday through Friday between the hours of 8am and 5pm should he not fully comprehend this minor error?

TT: Couldn't you just give me a new check stub?

Me: I'm hanging up now.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's felt, fool!

The Mr. T bookmark is finished and on it's way to Sarah.

I can't tell you how grateful I am that when they were handing out talents I asked to be able to make felt likenesses of d-list celebrities.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Siren Call of the Lake House

It's True Confession time. And this one is embarrassing. Don't judge!

Whenever the movie the Lake House is on, Katie and I watch it. Every time! And it is on a lot. It's not like we set the DVR to record it or anything but if one of us is flipping through the channels and we see that it's on, we pop on over to see if it's the part when Keanu Reeves sneezes and then we get sucked in like an ant in a vacuum hose. That sneeze may be the worst bit of acting ever recorded in the history of all acting. Which is really saying something because have you seen his performance in A Walk in the Clouds? Abysmal.

I haven't completely figured out why we can't pass it up. It's pretty slow and that sneeze isn't the only bit of bad acting Keanu gives us. But it isn't quite at the level of so-bad-it's-good, like, say Spice World.

(Perhaps Spice World is the movie I should be embarrassed to admit to not only watching but owning. Except that I'm not ashamed. For it is MAGICAL.)

So it's a mystery why we cannot fight the siren call of the Lake House. And I'm not sure I want to fight it. It's kind of comforting in a way. Like listening to Barry Manilow songs or eating oatmeal for breakfast.

What is the one movie you're slightly embarrassed to say that you can't stop yourself from watching?

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Importance of Capitalization

Dear People Looking for Work:

Use capital letters. And proper punctuation. And correct spelling. I don't think I can emphasize this enough. Which is RIDICULOUS! Because you're a grown up and I'm assuming you have made it beyond Kindergarten and know the difference between a big letter and a small letter and when the appropriate time to use them is.

When I get your resume and it's entirely in lower case I throw it away. If you don't spell your previous job titles correctly, I throw it away. If you use the phrase, "I seen," I throw it away. When I give you a typing test and you tell me that the reason why you only scored 20 wpm is because you forgot to use capitalization I don't even bother looking through your application. I throw it away.

When you don't use capitalization I imagine you're a 14 year old girl stuck in a remedial English class texting me a resume your boyfriend helped you prepare. It's okay that if at one point you were 14 and stuck in remedial English, I would never hold that against you. But if you're over 18 you should know by now that your name needs to be capitalized.
If I get one more email that reads, "i seen your ad heres my resume call me," I'm going to spit. And I hate spitting.



Thursday, October 15, 2009

Mr. T's new home is...

I just did the drawing for the Mr. T bookmark and congratulations and a hearty slap on the back go to:


Interesting bits of trivia about Sarah include: 1.) We were both born on August 17th, which makes both of us AWESOME, 2.) her mother was my beloved piano teacher, and by beloved I mean zany. Some of you may have heard stories about my piano lessons. They are all true.

Send me your address Sarah (rachelknecht at gmail dot com) and I'll ship him off. But with a glass of milk laced with sleeping pills because you know how much he hates to fly.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I had a Plan.

Plan: On my lunch break swing by the grocery store and pick up supplies for dinner for a family in the ward, go home and prep dinner so that when I get home from work I can just pop it in the oven and get it over to them at a decent time.

Revised Plan: Wait until paychecks are delivered 45 minutes after I should have left for lunch, swing by the post office then the grocery story and get supplies. Skip the prep and just make the dinner when I get home.

Revised Revised Plan: Get into my car to commence Revised Plan and it's dead. Dead! Call Dad who tells me it's probably the battery. Applaud myself for not falling apart as I am wont to do in dead car situations. Ask Stephanie in the office next door for a jump. Car starts - Rejoice! Swing by post office and drop off the pay checks then head to Wal-Mart to wait an hour for a new battery. Applaud myself for not falling apart as I am wont to do in Wal-Mart situations. Rejoice that it is just the battery and not something that I would have to sell a kidney to pay for. Do shopping and cooking when I get home. Deliver dinner just as they're ready to go to bed.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Pop quiz!

I have started and stopped about 5 post today, deeming them all lame and boring and unfunny. Clearly, I need chocolate.

So instead of writing, I'm just going to ask a series of preference questions and you can answer as many of them as you'd like. And if you do answer at least one I will put you into a drawing to win a very special prize. That prize being a Mr. T felt bookmark I'm currently working on. I'm making his jewelry tonight.

1.) Black or red licorice?
2.) Cats or dogs?
3.) The beach or the mountains?
4.) Summer, autumn, winter or spring?
5.) Mr. T, Hannibal, Face or Murdock?
6.) Automatic or manual can opener?
7.) Exercising in the morning or night?
8.) Can your food touch on your plate or not?
9.) Sitting near the front of the back in a movie theater?
10.) Gum or mint?

You have until Thursday at noon to enter.

My answers?
1.) Red
2.) Dogs
3.) Both
4.) Winter, in California
5.) Murdock
6.) Manual
7.) Morning
8.) Sure
9.) Middle
10.) Mint. Gum is gross.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Things I'm not talking about

Let's not talk about how I could have gone to the Dodger game today. How my mom got tickets through her work and how one of those tickets was for me and how we all thought it was a night game until we got the tickets and found out that it started at 3 and I can't take off work because we're swamped. No, we won't talk about that.

Nor will we talk about how I just found out that Keira Knightly is going to be starring in an adaptation of Never Let Me Go. How much I loved that book and how I just knew, deep down in my heart, that if it were ever made into a movie they would cast Keira Knightly in it, not because she's good for the part but because people can't help themselves. They love her and her gaping mouth. How if she would just occasionally shut her mouth I would like her about 50% more and could possibly come to terms with it.

We could talk about all those tragedies but we're not going to.

Instead we're going to talk about this picture:

You see, I've been tagged by Teresa with one of those "go to the 1st folder in your picture file and find the 10th picture in it and post it" thingies, and this is the picture that came up. My nephew Tom, accompanied by his enormous cheeks. This was taken last Christmas and his cheeks are even bigger now. He's also growing a beard and worrying about his 401k. Because this is how quickly he is growing up!

I normally don't go along with tags but in the face of so much to despair over (lost Dodger tickets and Keira Knightly's slack jaw) I feel like we all could use those giant, squishy cheeks to help us gird up our loins and fight the good fight.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Too many vampires, too few books

I got a package yesterday from my good friend Krii. She got me the newest Georgia Nicholson book. Which, let's be honest, is the greatest gift you can give anyone. It's called Are These My Basoomas I See Before Me?, which is so classy.

When I saw the book I had two realizations, 1.) I couldn't remember what happened when last we saw Georgia, and 2.) I didn't have a copy of the last book to refresh my memory. It came out during my year long Book Buying Moratorium and I never got around to buying a copy once the moratorium was lifted.

The BBM taught me a lot, mostly that I don't need to buy books. I still love buying books - walking up and down the aisles, checking out the cover art and carrying around an arm full before deciding on a few - but I just don't do it that often. I am clearly a Woman of Restraint and Self-control. But I had gift cards and it's Autumn and there is no better time to buy books then Autumn - it just feels like the right thing to do at this time of year, like eating pumpkin pie. So I skipped off to Borders with the Blue Bird of Happiness in my heart.

And I came home depressed. Here's why:

1.) Borders has become more novelty shop then book store. There were more tchotchkes then books. The actual book selection has gone WAY down and has been replaced by rows and rows of Japanese comic books and pencil holders and wind up toys.

2.) The Young Adult section is filled with trashy vampire novels. Thanks a lot Twilight. I realize that books are prone to trends just like everything else, and the YA section especially so, but it's so disturbing when the cover of every book aimed at teenagers has a trashy looking girl with blood dripping down her lip. It made me miss the days when Harry Potter was king and every book had a wide-eyed wizard on the front.

3.) They didn't even have the book I came for. Well, they had it in paperback but all the rest of my books in that series are hardcover and I can't have mismatched books. I have standards to uphold. I don't know why this would make a difference since halfway through the series the publisher changed the entire style and size of the books so they're already mismatched (Don't get me started on this. Let's just say I'm up in arms about it and several angry letters have been written and I may take this bitterness to the grave.)

I ended up leaving with the latest David Sedaris book (you can't go wrong there) and an Elvis Costello cd and some cute note cards.

Speaking of which, who wants to be my pen pal? I was putting away said note cards and noticed that my drawer was getting too full and that maybe I should start using some of that cute stationary instead of just buying new stuff. I'm sensing a Stationary Buying Moratorium coming on.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Pass the Tissue

Things I watched this weekend that made me cry:

1.) General Conference. Several times.

2.) To Kill a Mockingbird. Oh, how I weep through this movie. When Walter Cunningham comes for dinner; when the reverend says, "Miss Jean Louise, stand up. You're father's passing," as Atticus leaves the courtroom; when Scout sees Boo Radley behind the door. I curl into the fetal position and sob.

3.) The Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra. This is slightly embarrassing but it should give you a greater understanding of what makes me cry - that is, everything. Including great music. There was a concert on Ovations TV and at one point I was just so entranced by how excited they were when they played that I welled up. Because I'm an enormous baby. Here's their finale.

4.) The Dodgers winning their division. Finally. Okay, I didn't actually cry over this, but I did jump up and down a bit. Let's all do a collective "hands-in" for them on three. One, Two, Three, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DODGERS!

Friday, October 2, 2009

If Tim Gunn says it, you must obey!

Did you hear what Tim Gunn said last night when one of the contestants on Project Runway said he was going to make leggings?

"Ugh. Leggings. Don't get me started."

I could not agree with you more, Tim.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Wise Woman of the Forest

It's such a beautiful day that I decided to eat my lunch in the park, under a tree, with the Santa Ana winds blowing. When I got back to the office I walked past the mirror and noticed I had a tree branch in my hair. So I looked over my shoulder and there were several bits of tree bark stuck to my sweater.

I wonder if Stacy & Clinton on "What Not to Wear" could help. Maybe start up a show called, "How Not to Look Like a Hobo."