Thursday, October 22, 2009


Chiquita and I have decided to be kind to dumb people this week. Like, for example, instead of saying, "That is the dumbest person I've ever spoken with," we say, "That person is touched." It sounds kinder, doesn't it? Like evil pixies got a hold of them and addled their brains and they just can't help but say dumb things.

Example: We had a labor crew working on a two week assignment. One of them called me to say that there was an error on his check stub showing the incorrect date of his assignment and that he couldn't collect unemployment because of it. We had the following conversation:

Me: I'm very sorry but we can't change something that has already been printed and our payroll company will not issue a new check stub. But I will write a letter to your unemployment rep that explains the error and that should be fine.

The Touched: But I need the correct dates on this check stub or else I won't get paid.

Me: But that's impossible.

TT: So what am I suppose to do?

Me: The letter should be enough, but if it isn't have him call me. I'd be happy to explain.

TT: So you'll still change the date?

Me: No. We can't. But I'll write you a letter to give to him.

TT: Along with the check stub with the correct date?

Me: No. Instead of the check stub with the correct date because there won't be a check stub with the correct date.

TT: But I need a check stub with the correct date.

(At this point Chiquita leaves the office for the restroom. The conversation continues on in similar fashion: "I need a check stub," "I can't give you a check stub," etc. Chiquita returns from the restroom and finds me still in the vicious check stub cycle and gapes. She then points to her head and mouths, "Touched." I try not to laugh.)

Me: Why don't you tell me what you want me to do to help you get your money that doesn't involve a new check stub.

TT: Get me a new check stub.

Me: So you're saying that your unemployment rep will not accept a letter explaining the situation even though it is on official water-marked company letterhead and has my signature and my address and phone number which he can call at anytime Monday through Friday between the hours of 8am and 5pm should he not fully comprehend this minor error?

TT: Couldn't you just give me a new check stub?

Me: I'm hanging up now.


Chris said...

I love it. I'll have to start calling people "touched".

Stephanie said...

Is Chiquita from the south? That is a very southern thing to say.

It made me think of my friends in the bible belt. Sigh.

Erin said...

We call them "specials" at our office. Ok, so I'm the only one that calls them that.

Gina said...

Does this change the phrase, "I'm touched. Or "It was so touching." Just curious.

Rach said...

I love it. I'm going to use it as often as possible.

The Katzbox said...

"Touched"...inspired! It's kinder and gentler...and funnier...and less guilt-ridden. SCORE!!!!

Caroline George said...

Also in the bible belt (south carolina and Texas) .... We say "bless their heart" !

Angela said...

Oh my heck.