Sunday, October 30, 2011

Candy Corn Cuteness

Happy Halloween (tomorrow)!  My ward has already had their party.  I went as a candy corn

My cuteness knows no bounds.

It's felt, natch.  But the flash gave it a sheen, thus making me look like Judy Jetson in her space age ice cream parlor uniform.  I added that orange band around the hat because without it looked like the Pope's.

In other news:  We had our Primary sacrament meeting presentation* today and the kids KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK.  They were so calm and poised and not a single one of them showed any sign of nerves.  Even my little four year old who refused to say his part in any of the practices we had finally lifted his head and spoke into the mic.  They all sang loud and clear and were so sweet and funny and cute.  Ugh, those kids.  They're the best.

*Mormon Glossary:  The 3-11 year old set gets to take over the main portion of church and share what they have been learning.  It is, by far, the best Sunday of the year.  Aside from them being so sweet and adorable you know that at any moment one of them could absolutely lose it.  It's kind of thrilling.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A stroke is no excuse.

Hey, head on over to my family's blog for a Mom-fest.  It's her birthday.  There are cute pictures and a mention of her legendary chocolate chip cookies. 

In other news, I am continuing my campaign to teach people the proper way to drive through a four-way stop.  There's one near Katie's school that she has regularly written off to the devil.  In the last week I have had to drive through it a number of times and she's right - it is Satan's handiwork.  People seem to just go whenever they feel like it.  Today, for example, I came to a stop about a second after the person to my right, which gave her the right of way.  Even if we got there at the same time, she still had the right of way.  But she didn't go.  I gave her a very generous 5 seconds and a wave and she still didn't go.  So I decided that she was having a stroke and headed into the intersection.  It wasn't until I was directly in front of her car that she decided that it was, in fact, her turn to go and proceeded forward, nearly slamming into my car in the process and angrily honking at me as I drove off.  Last week I went through when there was a line of cars on all four sides.  Bedlam.

Maybe I'll use my current status as a Woman of Elegant Leisure and Ample Free Time to stand out there and direct traffic.  I've always wanted to do that.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

"Don't put too much mustard on the hotdog, Captain"

The Fam spent the weekend up at Big Bear Lake.  It was, as anyone who knows my family can imagine, a 48 hour laugh riot.  Activities included playing games like Reverse Charades (no joke, folks, this is the Funniest Game I've Ever Played Period.), figuring out how to get the water on (we were at a friend's cabin and the city had turned the water off, unbeknownst to all of us), smoking out the game room by trying to light one measly fire, eating lots of ice cream cones, several trips down the Alpine Slide (weeeeeeee!!!!!), and watching Dad demonstrate yoga poses (could possibly rival Reverse Charades for funniest moment.)

In addition to all of that some of us took a boat tour around the lake.  This was notable for two reasons. 

1.) As we boarded the boat we noticed that a few people were a little over dressed.  There was an old woman in a fur coat.  Another with an enormous flower in her hair.  And a man dressed in a slick suit with one of those collarless dress shirts that I find so distasteful.  He was sitting near us and we kept calling him the Reverend.  Turns out we were right because halfway through the tour Captain Jack (really) announced that we were in for a surprise.  A couple was going to be married at the bow.  So we all headed out to watch the ceremony.  Super sweet.  It was just the two of them and their moms (Fur Coat and Flower Head), one of whom was totally surprised by it.  They exchanged rings that were still attached to those floating key chain contraptions.  And near the end a fisherman on a nearby boat must have caught something because he gave out quite a whoop.  It was joyous.

2.)  After the wedding we cruised back up the lake and passed by the town of Fawnskin (which years ago I visited and wrote about while lamenting about not having any friends with boats.)  Captain Jack asked if any of us remembered from earlier in the tour what the people who live there are called.  I was the only one to respond, "Fawnskinians." The captain was so excited that someone was actually paying attention that I decided to take advantage of the situation and ask if I could drive the boat.  Some of you may not even consider asking a captain if you can take the helm.  That just shows that some of you lack imagination.  One of the rules for a Life of Elegant Leisure and Grand Adventure is:  when given the opportunity to drive the boat, take it.  Who knows how many people you will impress when you open up a conversation with "So I was captaining a large vessel across Big Bear Lake..."  I am thrilled to report that he let me.  I made my way up to the wheelhouse and he handed me the captains hat and showed me how to keep her on course and continued on with the tour while I guided us to port.  After deftly avoiding running over a local fisherman I waved to the crowd to let them know everything was under control and Captain Jack (or, you know, my first mate) said possibly the best line all day, "Don't put too much mustard on the hotdog, Captain."  Which would become my life motto, except that I'm a firm believer in lots of mustard.  You don't get to wear the captains hat by skimping on the mustard.

Me, at the helm.

My boat.  A grander vessel there never was.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Nacho Cheese

Camille photographed the wedding of our cousin Jessica to Alan on Saturday and I stood in as her assistant.  (My main duties were basically shading her lens and holding the bouquet and saying things like, "Ooh, that's a good shot," and "Nice."  My services are available to all photographers, but I don't come cheap.)  Those two love birds were professionals.  It's like they take wedding pictures every single day.  Or have read Modelland  cover to cover.  They were relaxed and funny and made the job super easy.  The whole day was actually quite lovely.  Partly because on the way home from the temple we had decided we needed Slurpees and thought we'd do a proper gas station lunch:

Slurpees, nachos and a candy bar.  The perfect meal, right?  While not technically a food (and I'm not ever sure it could even be considered a fake food), nacho cheese is my guilty pleasure.  It's creamy and cheesy and orange, three things I love!  And my Slurpee was the perfect mixture of Pina Colada, Cherry Orange, and Citrus Blast.  That is some fine dining, my friend.

What is your guilty pleasure food (real or fake)?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Pork Bun, Revisited

Remember this?  Of course you do, it was last week.  You're no dummy.

Well, Gina and Camille have started to lovingly refer to each other as Pork Bun.  The other morning Camille got a text from Gina saying, "Call me when you wake up," so she did and they chatted and at the end Gina said, "You know what my original text to you was?  'Hey Pork Bun, call me when you wake up.'" Camille asked why she didn't send it and Gina responded, "I did, except that I sent it to my friend by accident."  Her friend called her and asked, "Was this meant for me?" and Gina explained.  And then her friend said, "Do you really call your sister Pork Bun?" 

Doesn't everyone?

Monday, October 17, 2011

Gifts from a Kiwi

EEEEEEE!!!!!!!  Guess what arrived on my doorstep today!  A package from New Zealand!!!!!!  This blog has introduced me to some lovely little Kiwis who not only are funny and sweet and thoughtful but who send me things.  I love friends and I love packages.  Win win!  (Also, I love this blog.  Who knew it would bring me so much joy.)

Tessy wanted something felty but I can't take orders from people outside of the US because of the whole money exchange business so I said we could just make a swap.  I could send her something made of felt and she could send me something unique to her area, like a Hobbit.

Boy, did she.  Well, not a Hobbit.  She did say she looked for the One Ring but that was destroyed on Mount Doom.

But she made up for it in snacks.  Behold the New Zealandy loot:

There's candies (one called Pineapple Lumps - which is the must unfortunate and unappetizing name ever - that are like Charleston Chews but pineapple flavored.  Yum.) and Marmite (I'm going to give it another try after my first and only attempt 20 years ago of eating fermented yeast, which did not end well.) and Milo (a chocolate beverage which I plan to wash the Marmite down with.), some music, a lovely necklace, a book and postcards, a calendar and a NZ flag and an All Blacks flag (go All Blacks!)(that's rugby)(there's a World Cup going on right now and truthfully I don't follow the sport but it just seems appropriate now to root for them.) and a mini Buzzy Bee which is a toy that was made popular thanks to Prince William the Toddler, and a map so when I go out to visit I will know where I can find and hug my favorite people.

And for something truly unique, there is some yarn made of possum wool.  You read right.  Wool made from possum.  I don't know about you folk but around here possums aren't the most luxurious creatures.  And doing a little research it looks like possum wool is unique to New Zealand (Teresa, our resident yarn expert who only reads this blog about once every 3 months, can verify).  So I'm trying to imagine in a country that has more sheep than humans why someone would look to the possum and say, "I'd like to make a sweater out of that."  They must be velvety soft down there.  The yarn looks and feels like regular old, non-vermin yarn so keep your eye out for some sort of scarf in the near future.

Thanks Tessy!  I'm going to learn the New Zealand national anthem and sing it while marching around my apartment waving the flag.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Modelland, gross hair, cream puffs and surviving consumption

1.)  I've survived the consumption.  Although I've had a bit of a relapse last night and today.  Because yesterday I had a burst of energy after holing up in my apartment and watching countless hours of Gilmore Girls (what else is a girl to do in such a weakened condition). I ended up cleaning my bathroom, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the kitchen, including moping the floor, shopping for fabric, shopping for groceries, visiting my mom, making a Halloween costume for a friend, making cream puffs and hosting book club.  By the time the ladies left last night it hit me that I was nigh unto death and I was in bed within 10 minutes.  A record.  But book club is always worth it. 

2.)  If you're going to have a book club you should read the Wednesday Wars.  And not just because it's a great book.  But also because cream puffs play a dominant part in it.  Which means that when your friends come over for book club they'll bring an assortment of cream puffs.  We had 4 different kinds.  You cannot beat that.

3.)  Stacy convinced me to try not shampooing my hair.  As in, get it wet and condition it and rinse it out, just don't shampoo.  She's been doing it (or rather, not doing it) for a few weeks now and claims her hair has become luxurious.  And truly, it looked that way when we Skyped on Sunday.  So I gave it a shot this morning.  EPIC FAIL.  When my hair dried it looked like I had soaked it in left over cooking oil and then styled it with lard.  And then it hit me - I already have decent hair, minus the tumbleweediness and robust cowlicks.  Why change anything?  Shampoo it is.

4.)  I finished Modelland.  It is the crappiest book I've ever read in my entire life.  Holy Cats in a Bag, it is so bad.  If I didn't love Tyra and her loony ways it would have been a nightmare for me.  I wouldn't have made it past page 20.  It is so bedazzled with descriptions of the craziest things - things I can't even recount or describe because there were so, so, so many. There were several moments (ok, every page) that I thought, "Is this even a book?  Or did Tyra's brain just vomit all over these pages?"  Which is to say, it was awesome.  I will be hosting a dramatic reading from it in a few weeks.  You are all invited and must come prepared to smize.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


am dying of consumption...please send ice cream.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

How do you say angry in Chinese?

Okay, so I'm going to show you this picture first to make it clear I was an adorable child.

That's me in the hat on my first birthday.  And that's Gina, flashing her knickers.

Now that we have established that, here's another picture:

Gina's all "Look at my luxurious bangs."  And I'm all, "Who stole my pork bun?" Because I have clearly morphed into a very angry 80 year old Chinese woman.

Friday, October 7, 2011

A short list of good things

1.)  Watching Casablanca outside on a big screen and remembering that it's an awesome movie.
2.)  Warming my hands on a cup of hot chocolate after watching Casablanca outside and fah-REEZING.
3.)  Finding out the Tigers beat the Yankees while warming my hands on hot chocolate.  WOOT!
4.)  Coming home and Katie remembering that she brought me a left over Lil' Debbie brownie.  Ah, childhood.
5.)  Watching Parks and Recreation while bundled up in my Dodger snuggie.
6.)  Finally getting around to switching to October on my Abba wall calendar and finding this picture:

Nice overalls, Bjorn.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Pajama Day

It was a pajama day.

For the record, I did change out of my jim-jams today.  I changed from a shorter pair of jammy pants to a longer, warmer pair of jammy pants and put on a different t-shirt, which I then covered with a sweatshirt, because suddenly it's all cold and fall like around here.  And also, for the record, I showered and washed my hair and shaved my legs.  And I put on a bra, which connotes some level of responsibility, right?  But I wore pj's all day long.

Even though I spend the majority of my time at home these days I still make it a point to get dressed and do my hair and put on mascara because it makes me feel more like a human being who is an active part of society.  I find that I am way more productive when I get myself ready for the day, even if it is just to fill out online job applications.  But the odds were stacked against me today. 

1.)  It rained all day.  I have mentioned here before that I have a made-up condition called weather paralysis which means that I feel like I am not capable of doing anything but eat cheese and watch Pride & Prejudice when it's cold and rainy. 

2.)  I have two of the largest zits that have ever sprouted on any face in the history of all zits.  And faces.  Which is a really long time.  What I am saying is that they are enormous and if mascara and non-stretchy pants makes me feel human, these zits make me feel like an alien from the planet Sad And Tragic.

3.)  Also from the planet Sad And Tragic, I woke up with a sty.  Gah.

4.)  Did I mention is was cold and rainy?

So, you see, it HAD to be a pajama day.  And I did, in fact, eat cheese and watch Pride and Prejudice, all 5 hours, while hunched over my crafting desk, submerged in felt.  Apparently I can be productive without mascara.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

This and That and Tyra

1.  We don't watch a lot of Wheel of Fortune around here but when we do Katie kills it.  She's a Wheel savant.  It will be a 15 word phrase and she'll get it with two letters up there.  I usually don't even have it by the time the contestants have bought all the vowels and they keep spinning to get more money.  So I felt pretty good about myself tonight when I got one before she did.  Woot!  But what I really felt great about was recognizing one of contestants as a very bit character from Gilmore Girls who's maybe been in like 10 scenes total.  And there she was spinning for cash.  So I'm a Gilmore Girls savant.

2.  After dinner I said, "I could use some chocolate cake right now," and Katie said, "There's a recipe for individual microwave chocolate cake in the Food Network Magazine," (which, for the record, is a great magazine.  Trust your friend.  You'll want to make every recipe.)  I am very suspicious of things being cooked in a microwave.  Warmed up in a microwave, sure.  But baked?  I don't know.  (I wonder if the folks in Days of Yore felt this way about the gas range.)  But a girl has got to take a few risks if she wants cake.  And ta-da!  It worked.  Chocolate cake in under 10 minutes.  Revolutionary!  It's more souffle-ish, and it could definitely use some whipped cream or frosting or chocolate sauce, and the recipe makes more that I could eat (can you believe that?), but who am I to complain about such speedy results?

3.  I'm reading Tyra Banks' book Modelland and it is the Capital of Crazytown.  I'm marking my favorite passages and I think I need to host a dramatic reading.  Who's interested?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Beware the Waters!

For the last month the water here has both tasted and smelled like dirt.  I asked Katie and she said she didn't taste or smell anything.  I went out to eat with Holly to a place in Claremont where the water also tasted like dirt (yeah, Claremont, even you) and she said she couldn't taste anything.  I was beginning to think that I had a brain tumor that was affecting my senses.  I would die a poor spinster, alone with my felt. 

But it wasn't a tumor.  It was just my mutant sense of smell.  Because 3 days after I had the bad water in Claremont I got a text from Holly saying it was bad in LaVerne.  And at the same time I was down in Chino at the old homestead and it was gross there too, and I wasn't the only one who thought so.  And then suddenly Katie could taste it at our place.  And then my dad told me today that he heard on the radio that the water supply for western San Bernardino County and Eastern LA County (I live about 1 mile from the county line.  I'm at the epicenter of bad water.) has an algae bloom that's causing the water to taste like dirt.  Fantastic.  We can all rejoice that I'm not going to die alone with my felt, and they claim that it is harmless and are handling the situation.  But even so, my water still tastes and smells like it's being pumped in from a pond. 

On a tangential note, last night I had to make a quick run into Stater Bros. to pick up some hamburger buns and the man in front of me at the check out was buying 20 cans of Friskies cat food and 20 packets of Kool-aid mix.  I initially thought that he was throwing a party for his cats but now I'm wondering if he's trying to mask the taste of the nasty water.  I like his style (even though he looked like a hobo).  I'm always up for Kool-aid.