Girly Things

At book club tonight it struck me that what we talk about is exactly what men imagine large groups of women talk about.  That is:  bras, cramps, chocolate, labor and boobs.  We also talk about other things, like the book, but we will always come back around to those 5 standards.  I'm not ashamed.  Because we always have such a grand time. 

Tonight, we were discussing Persuasion and the topic turned to the various adaptations.  The best is the 1995 Ciaran Hinds and Amanda Root version.  Do not try to convince me otherwise.  But the more recent and substandard BBC version came up, which meant that I had to do my impersonation of Anne Elliot as she races across Bath, leaping over baskets and invalids in the street, in search of Captain Wentworth.  A scene which, by the way, did not happen in the book because it would have been a scandal.  What Jane Austen heroine ever ran - except for perhaps Harriet Smith when she's being pestered by the gypsies.  No, it is too ridiculous.  Anyway, all that sprinting ends with The Most Awkward Kiss in Cinematic History.  Naturally we had to pull out the copy and show everyone:



Oh, how we howled.  We shrieked and cringed and howled with laughter. 

And then we ate PMS Brownies and talked about boobs some more.

Anne of Green Gables my eye!

Folks, something very bad has happened - someone has created another Anne of Green Gables movie and it is an atrocity, a sham, an affront to all Anne Loving People everywhere.  I came across it this afternoon and only watched 15 minutes of it before throwing down the remote control and harrumphing about my living room, ranting about how it is an atrocity, a sham, etc.  Here's what I gathered from those 15 minutes:

1.)  Anne is middle aged and WWII is going on (when everyone knows that it's WWI that is happening when Anne is middle aged.)

2.)  Anne is searching for her father (Who, you may recall from the books, is actually dead.)

3.)  And surprise! she has a half brother whom she is also searching for.

4.)  She has a son named Dominic.  What?!  What about Jem, or Shirley, or (Sweet Land of Liberty, I'm going to start weeping) Walter?

5.)  She is living at Green Gables again.

And, this is the most egregious so hold on to your hats...

6.)  Gilbert is dead and Anne is dating some other guy.  AS IF!  And also, NO!  And for another thing, HOGWASH!  I started watching during a scene where Anne comes home and takes the arm of this guy and I thought, "Gee, they could have cast a more handsome Gil." And then she called him Gene.  She's dating a guy named Gene!?  Is this some kind of joke?  Do they really believe that the people will stand for a.) Gilbert being killed off and b.) Anne walking arm in arm with a guy who isn't Gilbert?  Unacceptable.

Okay, so I'm a little passionate about Anne of Green Gables.  That series of books (and really, all of LM Montgomery's books) were a huge part of my formative years.  And the stories that she wrote of Anne were great.  Mostly because Gilbert doesn't die!  They grow old together and have kids (none of them named Dominic) and they live happily ever after, just as we all knew they would.  Killing him off and giving Anne a long lost father and brother and made up son is just preposterous.

I object! 

Oh right, Chicago.

Here's what I keep forgetting:  that I'm boarding a train on Saturday afternoon bound for Chicago.  How totally exotic and old-timey, right?  (Except that, should you see the room we're in (or roomette, as they call it) the word exotic may not apply) It's kind of a dream come true, to travel across the country by train.  Mostly because to me, long distance train travel involves large hats, Cary Grant, and intrigue.  All things I love.  I don't want to go as far as to say that if I don't get to solve a murder I'm going to be a little disappointed, but, well, I'm going to be a little disappointed.  And I've never been to Chicago so I'm pretty excited for the whole experience - Cubs game, museums, architecture boat cruise, pizza - we're doing it all.

But I keep forgetting about it because of one thing - Harry Potter.  I have my ticket for Friday night (no midnight showing for this 80 year old) and I spend my days reading articles and watching clips and basically being a total Potter Dweeb.  AND I AM NOT ASHAMED!  Today, for proof, I read something that reminded me of a part in the book that destroyed me (Snape...you know) but conveniently blocked out, because I am emotionally stunted,and when what happens came back to me I started to lose it and I had to promise myself a shaved ice to cheer myself up.  (Aside:  this is quickly turning into the Summer of My Shaved Ice Addiction.)  I have not come to terms with the sad fact that by 11 pm on Friday the whole thing will be done.  There will no doubt be some sighing on the long train ride to Chicago.  Were I a character in an Poirot mystery I would be described as the melancholy girl with the remnants of a lightening bolt painted on her forehead.

The Library is Open

Do you know what has been missing in my life lately?  A book club.  I used to have an amazing one, years ago.  We would eat and laugh and talk about all sorts of things, sometimes even about books.  But then we disbanded when everyone moved away and I haven't found a good one since. 

So I formed a new one.  And we met tonight. And it was wonderful.  My living room was packed with amazing, funny, smart, lovely women and we ate and laughed and talked until 10:30 on a school night.  And we had a rather substantial discussion on the book (Ella Minnow Pea).  It was everything I had hoped for.  It made me want to hug them and then hug all of my books.

As is customary at book clubs I host, I lent out a few books.  I went to the cabinet to pull one out and discovered this little kit that Tammy gave me for my birthday last year which I had completely forgotten about. 

It's my very own library kit!

It has a date stamp and a card for you to pull when it's been checked out and a little pocket that you can stick to the inside flap and put the card back into once it's been returned!  It is the cutest thing I have ever seen.  And I don't think I could have been any more excited to use it.  Everyone who walked away with a book had to have it "libraried up".  I had to squelch the sudden urge to shush people.

As you can see Becky has checked out Angus, Thongs and Full-frontal Snogging.  She has been properly warned of the dangers of reading it in public.  Everyone I know who has ventured to do so has snort-laughed over it in front of large groups of people.  (Me - at Jiffy Lube)

Hide your prescription meds

1.  Did anyone else watch Jeopardy! where the robot who is going to take over the world wiped the floor with the human contestants?  Okay, so it's not a robot...YET.  It's technically a super computer the size of a living room  But trust me, those nerds at IBM are working on getting it into fighting shape so it can steal old people's medicine.  The truth is, while I was rooting for the humans (Go Us!) I was really thinking, "That would be a pretty lame computer if it didn't cream them."

2.  Due to some church responsibilities I had a long list of people to call tonight and so I worked my way through about 6 and when I got to the 7th she asked, "How many more people do you have to call?"  and I said, "A lot"  and she said, "Do you want me to make those calls for you?"  And then I hugged her through the phone.  Because to someone with a phone phobia (Hi!) being offered that is like someone saying, "Here, have this sack of gold doubloons." 

3.  I'm in a reading funk.  A funk, I say!  I've started and stopped no fewer than 5 books in the last 3 weeks because nothing is grabbing my attention.  Quick, someone please give me a book that will make me want to ditch work to finish it. 

No Pants Friday!

1.)  Remember how I was complaining a few weeks ago about how cold it was (50 degrees at noon.  APOCALYPSE NOW!)   Well, the reason why I complain is because I generally live in what we're experiencing right now.  75 in January.  Beach weather in the dead of winter.  I buried my feet in the warm sand after enjoying tacos for lunch.  I was chatting with Amanda, who lives in the Frozen North, and she told me that it was -16 the other day.  And that wasn't even factoring in the wind chill.  Don't be jealous, Good People of the Frozen North.  We've all made our choices.

2.)  Camille and I drove past our alma mater - dear old Chino High School - as the kids were getting out and noticed that it was No Pants Friday.  Because every girl we saw was wearing what looked to be a pair of underwear disguised as shorts.  Coupled with a pair of knee high boots.  Keeping it classy, kids!

3.)  Grammar Confession:  I struggle with passed vs. past.  In the sentence above, when I wrote, "Camille and I drove past our alma mater" I originally used "passed" and then had to look it up to see if it was right or not.  It was not, but now I think I have the rule down.  And I'm that much closer to being an insufferable bore.

4.)  It's that time of year again.  Book recommendation time!!!!  Please tell me what your favorite books of 2010 were.  And you don't have to limit yourself to just one.  Mine:  The Grave Yard Book, The Hunger Games series, These is My Words, The Book Thief, Run, and, despite it's ridiculous title, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society.

It's not often that I'm speechless

My experience reading Mockingjay has left me speechless. I finished it about two hours ago and it's taken me this long just to get a grip. Maybe I'll be able to sum it up in a day or two but right now all I have is "..." and "um" and "wow" and "pass the tissue, please." Camille happened to call about one minute after I finished and I actually had to hang up because I was overcome with emotion and unable to speak.

As I don't have time to gather you all together to do a serious debriefing I think you should email me when you're done to let me know what you thought. rachelknecht at gmail dot com.

Also, if you haven't read it yet you should read this post by Valerie. It changed the whole story for me. And again, also, why haven't you read these books yet? Read these books!!!!!

I wonder if they sell Dodger muumuus.

1.) Tonight I went to my monthly stitching group where we sat around knitting and sewing and gabbing and on Friday I am going to the Dodger game with a bunch of women to knit (It's called Stitch and Pitch. As if I could miss something like that.) and last Sunday I played Canasta with my dad and Camille and at the fair on Saturday I was this close to buying a muumuu. It will be my birthday in 2 weeks and I will be turning 81.

2.) I wrote an email to Bronwyn this morning and admitted to her - and now to you - that one of my most recent panicky fears I have about flying out to Tunis is that I will leave my passport in New York and be stuck in Montreal where I will be mercilessly taunted by French Canadians. I have an irrational suspicious on French Canadians. I blame all those LM Montgomery books I read in my youth.

3.) I have just emerged from a three day book coma. That's when you put all of life on hold instead of putting down a book. I finished it and instantly realized how hungry I was because I had skipped so many meals to keep reading.

The land of lost bills and creepy women

One of my jobs at the Pod is to get their finances in order. The record keeping that occurred before I got there was a bit of a joke - meaning that a large amount of bills have fallen through the cracks. Possibly literally. They have a secret room there. I would not be surprised if they have a worm hole. So at least once a day I get a phone call from some entity saying that the Pod owes them money. It's normally an astronomical amount and the fellas at Kramerica and I scratch our heads at the state of it all and I stress out over QuickBook spread sheets and have to remind myself that it isn't my money. Nor is it my problem. In fact, I'm trying to fix the problem. But oh, what a problem it is. Which makes me wonder what am I doing in finance? Shouldn't I be writing poetry somewhere? Or thinking brilliant thoughts about life and art and Tyra Banks?

But that is a topic for another day. The topic today is about how I had to go down to the county offices and to pay a bill. I got a call yesterday from the county health office saying that we had a delinquent bill from December for the health permit and if it wasn't paid in 72 hours they were going to shut the Pod down. I braced myself for how much it was going to be, thinking that if it was put off in December, when according to the records they had a bit of spare change, then it must be a ridiculously high number.

$31.25.

That's how much was owed. $31.25. I laughed. And then I asked if they would take a credit card over the phone. No. It had to be paid in cash or by check and since there was no time to mail it, it had to be done in person. So I dug into the petty cash and headed out to Rancho Cucamonga in the 110 degree heat and I must have fallen through a different worm hole from the one that's eating all the bills because the County of San Bernardino's Public Health Office is staffed entirely of women who speak baby talk to each other.

It was creepy, to say the least.

They spoke plain English to me but when they were addressing each other the following statements came out of their mouths:

"Did you sees that my flower bloomed-ed?"
"You's is such a sweet fweind."
"Can you pwease count the quaters-es for me so this nice wady can be on her way."

Ew!!!!! And they ALL talked that way! It's like how twins will create their own language because they spend all their time together. It made me feel very sad. And a little icky.

*********

In other news, I finished The Hunger Games. Thank you and Thank you! I'll let you know the winner of the Mr. T bookmark shortly. Speaking of which, I have been doing a few commissioned felt pieces that I am finding to be outrageously fun. So if you have an idea of a d-list celebrity you would like done in felt let me know. I'll be happy to give it a whirl.

Alright! I'm reading the Hunger Games! Are you happy now?

With so many of you recommending The Hunger Games I was afraid that it would be on the Twilight side of things. That side being infested with angsty glances and too many adjectives. Not that I don't trust your judgement but I am suspicious of books that EVERYONE loves.

But you were right. Tammy went the extra mile (literally) and brought it and its sequel over for me to read yesterday and I'm finding it very difficult to put down. I even turned off the All-Star game to read it. And that is saying something. Don't be alarmed though. I turned it back on to see the National League win. Woot!

In other baseball news, George Steinbrenner died today and I can't think of him without thinking of Seinfeld. Let's all have a calzone in his honor.

I totally smoked those kids

1.) I turned on Jeopardy the other night and saw that it was kids week and I thought, "Sweet! I can totally smoke these kids!" Oh, admit it, you do the same thing. We all love it when it's kid/teen/college/celebrity week because we know that the answers are going to be easier and we can feel smart and superior. And while I did feel superior, I was surprised by how unnerved I was by these kids' freakish knowledge. They knew everything! Like stuff I didn't know until my 30s. I will admit that the bulk of my knowledge at 12 consisted of Baby Sitters Club trivia and the birth dates of all the members of New Kids on the Block.

2.) The contents of my shopping basket yesterday were: 1 box of saltines, 3 cans of soup, 1 bottle of apple juice, 1 bottle of ginger ale. I have the stomach flu. Do you know why? Because Flat Rachel is visiting Rac this week and the bad juju has somehow been transported through her to me. We can not catch a break, Rac!

3.) Hey, remember that I challenged you to read To Kill a Mockingbird this summer? I took the challenge too and finished it today and cried like a baby and then sat for a few minutes and sighed. It gets me every time.

4.) Does anyone have any good book recommendations. What I am specifically looking for is a really great story. A page turner. The kind of book that will make me neglect housework more than I already do. If you give me a book recommendation you'll be entered to win a Mr. T bookmark. Wouldn't that just make your summer if you won?

So I judge a book by its cover.

I was in Barnes and Noble and I overheard a mother say to her teenage daughter, "See, you like books."  To which the daughter replied, "Yeah, when they have a good cover."  To which I added a derisive snort.  Very judgey.  And then I looked at several editions of To Kill a Mockingbird and picked the one with the prettiest cover.  Okay, so I have standards.  I'm sorry Teenage Daughter.  I see your point.

Some of you may remember that I currently have a book buying moratorium on.  Well, I had to briefly lift it tonight.  It was an emergency.  Yesterday morning I caught literally the last minute of  "To Kill a Mockingbird" and was a wreck.  A WRECK!  Just seeing Scout walk Boo back to his house and then walk back to her house and crawl into Atticus' lap was enough to do me in.  And then that same morning I read an article about the 50th anniversary of the book's publication and all the parties that were being thrown for it (I don't want to be a band wagon jumper, but doesn't a party sound like fun?  We can all drink lemonade and shoot marshmallow guns at pictures of rabid dogs!  I'm going to dress like a ham.)  I took both of these as a sign that I needed to read the book again.  Except that I can't find my copy of the book.  It's not in this apartment - I looked - and if there's one thing I keep organized it's my books.  And I don't remember lending it out to anyone.  It's just gone.  See?  Emergency!  So I lifted the moratorium.  I feel good about my decision.  I think it's a moral obligation to own that book.  Plus, I have a sort of job with Kramerica Industries so it's justified, right?  Right?!

If I do throw a party it will be in the summer, because To Kill a Mockingbird is definitely a summer book.  I mean, it feels like summer, doesn't it?  But until then I'm throwing out a challenge for you to read it.  Yeah, that's right, a challenge!  Even if you've read it a million times, read it again.  And then come on over and we'll watch the movie and have a good cry.

I'm more excited for this than I was for the 7th Harry Potter

Breaking News!!!

Tyra Banks will be writing a series of fantasy novels.

No.  I'm not making this up.

This may be the single greatest thing to happen to literature since the printing press.

I hope it's bad.  And not bad as in awful and unbearable but bad like Spice World and Wayne Newton at the San Manuel Indian Casino.  There are no words to describe how excited I am for this.

My apartment is haunted, by a slob.

Happy Friday. How about a laugh? How about two?

This morning Colleen sent me this.

And yesterday Cynde sent me this:



I'm sensing a theme.

In other news:

1.) Someone texted me last night and this morning with the same message "Hey cooki3 monst3r" I don't recognize the number (this is not unusual as I only know my parents and, on occasion, my own.) but I'm pretty sure it's from Elmo. This is not the first time I've been confused as a monster shoving cookies in her face.

2.) I can now play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on the ukulele. I chose this one because it was the first link that came up when I googled "ukulele tabs". The next song I want to learn: "Dancing Queen". I also need to start learning Christmas songs so my cousin Allie and I can rock the ukes at the Knecht Family Christmas Extravaganza this year. Although, considering the crowd at that party Dancing Queen would be just as appropriate.

3.) There's a ghost in my apartment who keeps leaving her accessories lying about. Remember the sunglasses I found a few months back? I still don't know who they belong to. And now there is a mysterious old necklace we found on the floor by the kitchen. I don't know who this ghost is or why she's hanging out but I'm getting a little tired of always picking up after her.

The Passive Agressive Slam

I saw two excellent example of the passive aggressive slam:

1.) Last night on Jeopardy! the contestants came out looking a little dressed down. The girl (Who was an art history graduate student and got one of the art history questions wrong. Ouch.) was dressed in slacks and a sweater and the two guys were both in dockers and button down shirts, one with a tie, one without. Alex came out and said, "Had I known it was casual day I wouldn't have worn a suit." Burn! The guy in the tie won.

2.) I was loitering in one of the non-fiction aisles at the library this morning (Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks - he's my smarty-pants crush. What? I'm 80!) and some guy was sitting at one of the carrels yakking away on his cell phone. I see out of the corner of my eye a concerned senior citizen walk up to him and I hear him slam something down on the top shelf of the carrel then walk away. When I walked passed him I saw that it was a sign that read, "Keep it low." and it had a cell phone with a line through it. You tell him Old Guy!

Nun chucking detective

One of the glorious things about being a well-known book lover is that occasionally people send me books. Just for the fun of it.

(Dear People of the World: I also love peanut M&Ms and Slurpee machines! Hugs and Kisses, Rachel)

Is there anything better than finding an unexpected package on your doorstep addressed to you and inside are books? There isn't!

So you can imagine my joy when I barely heard a knock on the door (Day 6 of the Great Ear Clog of '010. DAY SIX!!!!!!!!!! I'm officially dying.) and I opened it to find a package addressed to me and inside were two books from my dear and wonderful and lovely and beautiful friend Amanda.

So I called her up to thank her and, as our conversations normally go, we ended up masterminding elaborate schemes. This time it is the scheme of me becoming a nun-chucking detective. Brilliant, right? Because I already have the nun chucks and I am pretty well practiced at spying on my neighbor who lives behind my apartment complex. When I sit at my desk I have a direct view down into his yard and he comes out almost every day to trim the hedges behind his house. I've started wondering that maybe he's wrapped up in some sort of espionage because who needs to trim the hedges every single day?

Admit it, you're just a little bit sad that the Cold War has ended. Spy work was so much more glamorous when it was against the Russians.

Which Book?

Ugh. I have a cold. And last week I had the stomach flu. And three weeks before that I had consumption. Clearly my immune system is on the fritz. Or it has been compromised by alien life forces. Either way, I am tired - TIRED - of being sick.

Did you know that I wasn't sick once last year? Well, sick enough to take time off of work. I didn't miss a single day of work due to illness. I think it's safe to say that Chiquita is some sort of magical healing talisman. As if I needed any more reason to miss her.

So I've been cooped up for a few days and it's absolutely gorgeous around here and I thought that maybe some sunshine might be beneficial to my health so I strolled around Victoria Gardens for an hour. It sounds pretty, huh. Like a proper British garden. But it's actually an outdoor mall. But as far as malls go it is a lovely one. When I was done strolling I headed into Borders and, as the Book Buying Moratorium is back on, I jotted down book titles to find at the library.

This got me thinking that I haven't asked for book recommendations in a while. I would much rather try out a book that is tested by someone I trust then to go into one cold. So, why don't you tell me the best book you read last year. Don't be shy. I'm counting on you.

Which Book?

I've been posting like mad over at Like/Don't Like. I went out to eat twice yesterday (holiday!) and both places were new to me and are small, independently owned establishments and I thought I would share because they were both terrific and I think you should go there and support them. This blog is not called "Rachel Says So" just for fun. I'm bossy.

I also posted a couple of movie reviews but no books. In fact I haven't posted a book review in over a month. You thought I had an aneurysm or something, right? But no. The month of October was dedicated to re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series. Reading those books again made me feel like I was 12. Not in the "Is that a zit?! MY LIFE IS OVER!!!!!" sort of way, but in a way that recalls spending an entire Sunday afternoon reading in the backyard. Luxurious. I started young with my Life of Elegant Leisure.

Now, I could go on and on about how much I love these books, and how they sort of forged my love of reading and how, even decades later when I read that last book, when Anne's son Walter dies in the war, I broke down and wept, and not just a gentle kind of weeping but an embarrassing sobbing sort of weeping involving boxes of tissue. When I first read that part when I was a kid I remember being practically inconsolable. So no, I'm not going to tell you all about it.

But I want you to tell me all about it. What book made you love to read?*

*Heather wrote on a similar topic yesterday. Let's go book shopping, Heather!

Too many vampires, too few books

I got a package yesterday from my good friend Krii. She got me the newest Georgia Nicholson book. Which, let's be honest, is the greatest gift you can give anyone. It's called Are These My Basoomas I See Before Me?, which is so classy.

When I saw the book I had two realizations, 1.) I couldn't remember what happened when last we saw Georgia, and 2.) I didn't have a copy of the last book to refresh my memory. It came out during my year long Book Buying Moratorium and I never got around to buying a copy once the moratorium was lifted.

The BBM taught me a lot, mostly that I don't need to buy books. I still love buying books - walking up and down the aisles, checking out the cover art and carrying around an arm full before deciding on a few - but I just don't do it that often. I am clearly a Woman of Restraint and Self-control. But I had gift cards and it's Autumn and there is no better time to buy books then Autumn - it just feels like the right thing to do at this time of year, like eating pumpkin pie. So I skipped off to Borders with the Blue Bird of Happiness in my heart.

And I came home depressed. Here's why:

1.) Borders has become more novelty shop then book store. There were more tchotchkes then books. The actual book selection has gone WAY down and has been replaced by rows and rows of Japanese comic books and pencil holders and wind up toys.

2.) The Young Adult section is filled with trashy vampire novels. Thanks a lot Twilight. I realize that books are prone to trends just like everything else, and the YA section especially so, but it's so disturbing when the cover of every book aimed at teenagers has a trashy looking girl with blood dripping down her lip. It made me miss the days when Harry Potter was king and every book had a wide-eyed wizard on the front.

3.) They didn't even have the book I came for. Well, they had it in paperback but all the rest of my books in that series are hardcover and I can't have mismatched books. I have standards to uphold. I don't know why this would make a difference since halfway through the series the publisher changed the entire style and size of the books so they're already mismatched (Don't get me started on this. Let's just say I'm up in arms about it and several angry letters have been written and I may take this bitterness to the grave.)

I ended up leaving with the latest David Sedaris book (you can't go wrong there) and an Elvis Costello cd and some cute note cards.

Speaking of which, who wants to be my pen pal? I was putting away said note cards and noticed that my drawer was getting too full and that maybe I should start using some of that cute stationary instead of just buying new stuff. I'm sensing a Stationary Buying Moratorium coming on.

This is War!

Sometimes a girl needs a little Anne of Green Gables so I went to the cabinet where I keep the books, pulled out my copy

and noticed a weird clump of dust on it. When I blew it off I found this

A BOOKWORM!

I thought they were a myth! But they are not. And I find it UNACCEPTABLE!

Especially considering that it munched on one of my most beloved books that was in a very old cabinet filled with other most beloved books from my childhood. So I'm officially declaring war on all bookworms. I'm sprinkling black pepper on the shelves and lining the walls with linen rags soaked in camphor* and doing any other crazy old lady librarian tactics I can find on the internet.

Because I will not stand for such a violation!

But at least I know that it had taste. It burrowed it's way to one of my favorite lines in the book, after Anne asks for puffed sleeves and Marilla says they look ridiculous: "But I'd rather look ridiculous when everybody else does than plain and sensible all by myself."

*Where would one get camphor? All the places I have thought of - the general store, the trading outpost, great-grandma's airing cupboard - are not really options.