The Doc is "EXTREMELY. CONCERNED."* about the consumption so she has prescribed the following course of treatment:
1.) Diathermy: This is a heat therapy we use in the office that consists of putting two large heating pads over the lung region and roasting the bacteria to death.
2.) An onion poultice: You chop up an onion, wrap it in cheese cloth, steam it, then tape it to your chest for 2-3 hours.
3.) Raw bacon: Place 3 slices of raw bacon around your neck and tape saran wrap over it and let it sit there for a few hours to draw up the blood and relieve some of the swelling in the throat.
I told her the only way I was going to do any of those was if I could do them all together so that the diathermy would cook the bacon and I would be both well AND delicious.
*She is also EXTREMELY. CONCERNED. about getting the wrong paper towels for the bathroom and the plants going a day without being watered. Which is to say that I am not extremely concerned in the least.