Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Cocoa and...

I was reading something wherein George Clooney answers questions about malaria, which he had recently, and I was struck by something:  he needs a punctuation lesson.  And who better to teach him than I?  

Dear George Clooney,

First, let me say that you have fantastic hair.  And you're a fine actor, even in the Facts of Life.  And I think the work you do to shed light on important issues such as the situation in Darfur and the enormous problem of malaria around the world is honorable.  And also, I think you're handsome.  And if you were to ask me to, oh, say, have a cup of hot cocoa with you, I would not turn you down. 

That being said, I'm going to have to cite you for Inappropriate Use of the Ellipsis.  It's a minor infraction but one that is a pet peeve of mine.  I break out in hives when people write like this...without any proper punctuation...they just keep typing and never end a sentence...because they keep (incorrectly) adding pauses...or unsaid words...or implying all sorts of thing.  Because that is what an ellipsis is.  It indicates a pause or something unsaid or implied.  It has a few other uses, none of which are as a stand-in for other punctuation, which is what you were doing.  Your response was littered with them, and all in places where a perfectly acceptable punctuation like a period or a semi-colon or even a dash would have sufficed.  When you throw in ellipses at the end of every thought it reads like you're hiding something or being coy or that you're at a loss for words.  Or worse, that you're having some sort of fit and can't remember what you were talking about or who you are and your stalling for time until it passes.  You're a national treasure, George!  Don't let the world fear for your mental health.

I'm not saying you shouldn't use the ellipsis.  It's a pretty powerful tool.  What would you think if you saw the following inside of Us Weekly:  "George and Rachel enjoyed a cup of cocoa and...."  Wink-wink, right?  See, I'm all for the ellipsis.  Even if, in this case, it just means a firm handshake.  Because who doesn't love a firm handshake? 

But we all must respect the rules, no matter how famous or nicely quaffed we are.

Hugs and Kisses and...a Firm Handshake,
Rachel

10 comments:

Johanna said...

AHAHAHHAHAHAHA this is halarious. I had a good chuckle over this... especially because I am one of these offenders...my sentences just carry on...and on...and on. I like to think it makes me charming...coz I talk like this in real life.

Great post

Wendy said...

On an entirely different note (although I did enjoy the post), Neil Gaiman was on the PBS Kids show "Arthur" the other day as his animated self. I actually love that show and encourage my kids to watch it. They sometimes have the most non-kid-type guest stars - like Neil Gaiman for example. Probably most of the parents haven't even heard of him. Anyway, I thought of you immediately.

Andrea said...

I'm just as guilty as George! I'll try to do better...maybe.

Heidi (Todd) Broberg said...

LOVED this post. You are so great. Good luck with the date!

Chris said...

I thought an ellipse was the oval shape created when you diagonally bisect a cone. Mmmm, Ice cream cones.

DOUG said...

First of all, I too would have a cup of hot cocoa with George should he ever ask. I apparently need the lesson more than George because I didn't even know there was a name for what I do! Secondly, you are hysterical and I am so glad I know you!

DOUG said...

Third of all, that was not Doug who posted that but me, Marianne! Oops! Don't know how that happened, but a little relieved to set the record straight that my husband does not want to have hot cocoa with George Clooney!

Rach said...

Thanks for the lesson. I am so happy to know what they're called. And it's also nice to know that I've been overusing them...

Angela Noelle of SK said...

Guilty.

(Me)

Empress of Venus said...

I've heard malaria blanks out parts of your brain, most specifically parts where the sentence ends, and

(on purpose)