Every time I go to Palm Springs I think I can live there. Which is insane because I would fry like a piece of bacon in that heat. But it's really my kind of town. It's small but still has a lot of art and culture. I love the mid-century architecture. It's kitschy to the max. And there are tons of old people. They're everywhere! If I moved out there now I could start my Total Muu Muu Immersion a full 15 years ahead of schedule.
Have you noticed that some people just look like they were born to be in the sun? They wear cool resort clothes and their sweat makes them look healthy and fabulous. I look like I was born to live in a dark, wet cave and my sweat makes me look like I have some sort of glandular condition.
Anyway, let's talk tennis.
Specifically, old leathery guys who watch tennis without shirts on. Because the Indian Wells Tennis Garden is filled with them. And here's what we noticed. They always sit alone. It is rare to see a guy without his shirt on sitting next to another human being. Because another human being would Prince Face that guy right back into clothes. They are almost always up on the top of the stands and if there is someone with them it is another Shirtless Guy sitting at an appropriate distance.
Look, I can't actually blame them because it is surface-of-the-sun hot out there. We all do what we have to do to get by. My sisters and I, for instance, shamelessly wore cooling towels over our heads and I'm telling you those were a heavenly gift. We also took restorative naps in the shade in between matches.
We got quite a few matches in too. You may recall that we skip the big ones because either you sit at the top of Stadium One and watch from a far distance what could be Roger Federer but could also be a drag queen dressed as Roger Federer. Or you could go to Stadium Two which is like sitting in a dutch oven. Also, the crowds. Tennis may seem like a genteel sport but the fans are just as rabid. You do not want to fight over a seat with an old man who could at any moment take off his polo shirt. So we watch lesser known tennis players in the smaller courts where you sit so close you can see the fuzz fly off the balls. They are still impressive and exciting and, that early in the event, more evenly matched. I sat directly behind the line judge for a whole match and pretended like I could make the calls.
I got it wrong most of the time. But seriously, the view! Just look at those palm trees. And just out of view is yet another Shirtless Guy.
Well, that's another one on the books. Next year I'm going to really class it up and get one of those mister bottles with the fan attachment.