Dear San Bernardino Blood Bank,
Tomorrow I will be donating blood at the drive you're having at my church. It will be the first time I have even attempted to donate blood in over a year because you always reject me. And it's a little hurtful. I'm not going to lie to spare your feelings. You call me every month and say, "We love you. We love your blood. O+ is the best! Please come." So I come and you tell me that you can't take my blood that you love so much because my iron is too low or my temperature is too high or you don't like the shirt I'm wearing and frankly, I think that makes you a tease.
But I do like to donate blood and I like the cookies and juice that I get afterwards so I'm going to give it a shot tomorrow. And I've been preparing myself for it. Here's a list:
1.) I've had Cream o' Wheat for breakfast every day this week.
2.) I've taken my iron pills every night
3.) I've had plenty of water and have exercised regularly, without passing out, all week so that my blood vessels will be at their best pumping performance and we will not have to relive the "we can't find a good strong vein that will hold the needle so we'll just keep digging around and then eventually switch to the other arm but not before we leave you with an 8 inch bruise" experience of '95, or the even more terrifying "HEMATOMA!!!!" experience of '97 or the "Ah... your blood vessel has dried up and isn't it a shame that you made it this far and can't fill up the bag" experience of '01, '02, and '04.
4.) I have not shared a needle with a man who has had sex with another man from a Sub-Saharan country since 1977.
Not that #4 has ever been an issue (and I personally think you're a little fresh for even asking) but I want to cover all of my bases.
I'll see you tomorrow and you had better be nice. I don't want my mouth tasting like I've been sucking on an I-beam for nothing. And could you please have Oreos? That's my post-blood-letting snack of choice.