Dear New Owners of the Yogurt Affaire in Upland,
It's tough out there for a little yogurt shop. I get it. Business can't be all that easy when you're tucked in the back corner of a shopping center and your neighbor on the right has shut down and the one on the left is a pub, which the only time I've ever seen anyone standing outside of was last night, on St. Patrick's Day. And none of those kids had yogurts in their hands.
So I can see why you maybe need a gimmick. But I'm not very happy about it.
I went in last night and saw the flier for your big idea of going self-serve. Boo! And Why?! And How Could You?! I'm opposed to self-serve yogurt shops on many levels. Let me list them for you:
1.) There are already too many self-serve yogurt places in Upland. So already your gimmick is lame.
2.) The cups at the self-serve places are too big. Seriously, how much yogurt do you think I need? Anytime I've seen one I hear Camille's voice in my head saying, "This cup is a fat joke."
3.) And because it's too big I instantly think you're trying to snatch all of my hard earned fun money away from me. Because we all know that when you self-serve you end up paying way more. It's a GIANT CUP and you feel slightly cheated out of yogurt when you only fill it halfway up. But you still only fill it halfway and skip on the toppings because you refuse to fall for that trick again but then they weigh it and you have to check if they have a payment plan.
4.) The quality of the yogurt at self-serve places is disappointing. It's always icy.
5.) Not only do I have serve my own yogurt but I have to get my own samples. And that's tricky. I would rather a trained professional, or at the very least, a high schooler with a name tag get it for me.
6.) It's too much stress for me. I don't want to have to worry about paying too much for icy yogurt with no toppings. I just want someone to serve it for me. Is that too much to ask?
So I made my complaints to your manager. I don't know his name but he looked like a Roger. Maybe a Carl. He has a mustache. You know him. Anyway, I told Roger and he completely understood. He said that most of the regulars were unhappy about this and that he was pretty sure it would be the downfall of the place. It's not that I go there very often. Maybe once a month. And, let's be honest here, if I really wanted a delicious frozen treat I would go to Bert and Rocky's. But you're so convenient. And your peanut butter yogurt is always nice and creamy. Please don't make me have to drive out to Golden Spoon if I'm craving yogurt!
I don't want to get Roger in trouble, so I won't tell you that he told me that if I come in and he's there I can ask him to fill the cup up for me and he'll charge me the regular price I've always paid. Just like old times.
And if you're looking for a way to stand out, you could always spell affair correctly. Every shop in America thinks is charming and witty to spell things with extra e's. Which makes me want to get my hands on a monthly newsletter for the United Shoppe Owners of America so I can practice my editing skills.
Hugs and Kisses,