The capital of Burkina Faso is...

Ugh, you guys, unemployment has made me dumb.  If any of you have had a conversation with me in the last few months, you've no doubt noticed this.  My brain is just sluggish. I spend most of Jeopardy! saying, "Oh, it's...um...I know this...it's...GAH!!!!" because I know the answer but because I spend my days talking to myself my ability to be coherent has evaporated. I blame the lack of problem solving opportunities.  You know when you're at work and some guy comes in screaming about how he was over charged by one million dollars or you have to spend 3 hours on the phone because the coffee cups you ordered all have holes in them?  I don't have these problems, which isn't a bad thing.  It just means that I don't use my brain in those ways very often which means that I've become a little stupid. 

And so I have decided that I need to fix this and have started doing things I don't normally do, like math problems.  And logic problems.  And memorizing poems.  And learning new piano pieces.  I've also started memorizing all the world capitals. (Which really doesn't make me any smarter, just a bigger nerd and truly insufferable at parties) Two weeks ago I started with Africa, then last week was Europe.  Yesterday I dug into Asia, which has fewer countries but also has the -stans. You know, Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, etc.  So I've had to come up with creative ways to remember them all.  Like, "Bishop Kek of the Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan 1st Ward."  Or, "There's a cash tent under Tashkent, Uzbekistan."  Or my favorite, for Turkmenistan, "Turks in Ashgabat wear Oshkosh B'Gosh."

Next week is South America, which should be pretty simple ("Life is more simple in Thimphu, Bhutan"). I hope that by the time I get around to the Caribbean and all those little island nations in the south Pacific my brain will be back to fighting shape ("Go back to Baku, Azerbaijan").

(The answer to the title is Ouagadougou (pronounced wah-gah-doo-goo).  "Do the watusi in your bikini in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso)

The Pied Piper of Elegant Leisure

Because of my unemployed Life of Elegant Leisure I get to spend more time with friends and their kids during the day.  So lately I've been feeling like the Pied Piper. The kids, they're flocking.  Yesterday was especially so. My friend Heather's kids have become my new best friends - they're the ones I had a coloring party with a few weeks ago.  They were having a Grandparent's Day at school and since their grandparents live far away Kaiya asked if I would come as her Special Friend.

Would I!

I hung out with her in her classroom and we made a fancy construction paper Christmas tree and I chit chatted with the 7 year olds about who they liked more, Katy Perry or Taylor Swift (Taylor won out.  I didn't even ask about the Bieb.) and then strolled around the book fair.

It was only the cutest thing I've ever done in my life.

When I got home from that I headed over to watch another friend's kids where we made enormous Lego towers and danced whenever we knocked them over.  There was a lot of dancing.

And that's not all.  Because after I got home from the Lego tower dance party Heather called to say they were coming over with a surprise.  She and the kids brought me a Christmas present of multi-ethnic skin tone markers and color pencils.  I did not know that these even existed!  I can finally stop coloring everyone with peach skin.

Since I had a few hours of free time I invited the kids to stay over and color.

Is this not the best picture you've ever seen?  We're coloring and painting and drinking hot chocolate with candy canes in them.  I'm going to frame it and look at it whenever I'm having a rough day because that is nothing but pure joy.

I was just about to type that kids seem to be the way to go when it comes to having fun but then I recalled that just about an hour ago I had a Facebook exchange with my friend Andrea (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!) wherein we reminisced about doing crazy things like getting lost on a dead end road then nearly running over a hobo and wearing pioneer bonnets around Old Town Pasadena.  So I will instead say that I appear to collect friends who don't mind having funny adventures with me - no matter what their age.

Will I be required to bring my own hatchet?

Whilst job searching on line I came across an ad that looked reasonable and well paying and I seemed qualified for and I was about to submit my resume when I got to the line that said, "This job will require you to interact with various departments on site, such as the Accounting department, the PR department, the Slaughtering/Processing department."

Pass.

Just Lips!

Occasionally you may overhear a variation of the following conversation between me and my brother Casewell:

C: My friend just got engaged
R: Do they need a band for the wedding?
C: You mean our band?
Both: JUST LIPS! (hysterical laughter ensues)

Just Lips is brilliant idea for a band we came up with a while ago. I don't know how we came to that name but does it really matter? No. It doesn't. Because it's awesome. It consists of the following instruments:

Synthesizer
Drum machine
Keytar

I just got off the phone with Casey and we've decided that since I am now a Woman of Elegant Leisure/Reduced Circumstances and he will be out of school for the summer and will need a job we should put our plan into motion and go on tour. So far we are thinking of gigs at the Circle K in Pahrump, NV and one of the state-line casinos, preferably one with a $5 30 oz. steak deal. We will also be available for bar mitzvahs and ribbon cuttings.

We're just livin' the dream, man.

One...gasp...two

One of the blessings of unemployment is that I don't have to go to the gym in the middle of the night anymore. The middle of the night being 5:30am. It is still dark and the birds aren't chirping, therefore it is the middle of the night. When you go the gym in the middle of the night you see the same people. I've mentioned these ladies before. There's Old Woman and Very Old Woman and Old German Woman and Puerto Rican Teacher and Opera Singer and The Chesty Girl. I haven't quite figured out who are the regulars during the 8 o'clock hour yet because there are a billion people who go to the gym at that time. I have to hike to the entrance. Which is kind of funny that I would be so annoyed with that. Because I'm at the gym and already dressed for exertion.

There is one woman in the weight room this morning whom I'm praying is a regular. She came in and put her head phones on and started on one of the machines and this is what it sounded like:

"Ugh...1...ugh...two...ugh...gasp...three...Benny and the Jets...four...ugh...five...whoa!...uh-oh...come on...six...doo-dooooo-do...seeeeeeeeeeven...oh boy...eight...hmmm-mmmmm-mmmmm...nine...gasp...and...one more...almost there....TEN!...WAHOOO!...ugh."

This was for every set on every machine she was on. She must have been listening to Elton John's greatest hits because I also heard, "gasp...two...ugh...rocket man...three".

Again

The bad news: I was laid-off on Tuesday. Doc told me first thing in the morning and I got my last check and headed home.

The good news: I feel okay about it. Really. This was never meant to be a long-term job. I'm not looking forward to the job search again and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for the things I'm accustomed to as an Elegant Woman of Leisure, like breakfast, but I genuinely feel that things are going to be okay. Sure, I cried a bit that day. And by crying I mean I cried until there was no moisture left in my eyes. You should not be alarmed by this. Crying is how I deal with things. I have also been known to cry over frizzy hair. But now I'm fine and will continue to be so. And how do I know I will be fine? I was driving home that morning, in tears, and I noticed one of those traffic meter signals on the other side of the freeway. On the front, facing the line of cars, were the usual green and red lights. And on the back, facing no one, was another red light which was clearly there to tell you that if you were already driving into on-coming traffic, by no means are you allowed to get off. And I thought to myself, there will always be funny thing to laugh at. See, totally fine.

But did I mention I have an Etsy shop?

Spring Break

I use to get a spring break. Well, I use to use my vacation hours to get a spring break but it was always the week of the actual spring break, so you get it. I was a little sad that I wouldn't get one this year. (Dear Rachel, Couldn't your life be viewed currently as an extended spring break? Love, Everyone. Dear, Everyone, Yes. If spring break consisted of filling out applications and honing my gas siphoning skills. Love, Me.) But I can cheer up because suddenly this week has turned into my spring break. You should see my calendar. It's packed with fun (and cheap) outings (well, cheap if I actually do learn to siphon gas).

Cynde is in town (sad reasons, let's not talk about it.) and she's staying with me and we stayed up late last night laughing and coloring. Ah, coloring. I could write an entire dissertation on the joys of coloring. And Amanda comes into town this afternoon and we will no doubt stay up late laughing and maybe coloring some more. Seriously, I love it so much. I'm taking my little 10 year old buddy to the Huntington Library tomorrow (Yeah, so I have a 10 year old friend. You would want to hang out with her too if you knew her. Adorable.) and we have tickets to the Getty Villa on Friday. And general conference is this weekend. Wahoo!

Okay, so maybe my idea of an awesome spring break is slightly different from other people who drink too much and get tattoos and venereal diseases down in Florida, but for an 80 year old, I think my plans sound pretty fun.

The Middle of the Day

Dear People Who Work On Weekdays:

There's this thing called the Middle of the Day and it is pretty fantastic. I use to be one of you (gosh I hope I get to join you again. I miss going to the movies.) and didn't realize that there was life outside of the office at that time of day. Well, let me tell you, there is. And it is completely peopled with the elderly. Which means that I fit right in. Seriously, I had no idea there were so many old people. But there are! And they're all at Sprouts at 10am, blocking the aisles.

In the Middle of the Day you can do things like laundry and working out at the gym and writing your congressman and filling out dozens of on line applications that ask the same 30 questions, without any kind of pressure to get it done before you collapse into bed. Because the Middle of the Day is huge. There are a lot of hours in it. Hours with more sunshine and less traffic. The Middle of the Day is awesome. So are paychecks. Any ideas on how I could have both?

Hugs and Kisses,
Rachel =)

Free Books

I have this new budget. It's called the You're Not Earning Any Money Rachel So Don't Even Think About Going Into Borders budget. It is surprisingly efficient.

But a girl has got to read, right? So I went to the library. I'm going to admit right now that I've always been a little snobbish towards the library. I like owning books. I like writing in books. And I like it when people borrow them and return them looking slightly more used - complete with dog eared pages and tear stains. You can't keep a library book. In fact, you have to get it back to them on time or else they charge you money. You can't write in it and when you really love a good book and your friends are over for book club and you're telling them about it and want to lend it to them you can't because you already gave it back to the library. You can see why my previous budget was the Pay Your Bills and Give the Rest to Borders budget.

And yet, being in the library the other day made me feel a little penitent about all those harsh feelings I've been holding onto. There are shelves and shelves of books that you can take for free. And you get a card that makes you feel like you're part of a club or something.*. And there are people all around. Upland people. I got the same feeling there that I get when I vote or go to a parade. Like, "Yeah! We're a community! Let's all read!" I wanted to high five someone.

Except that a high five would have been impossible that day because based on several recommendations, I checked out Atlas Shrugged and my arms were too busy going numb from the weight of it. That is one fatty book.

*I do wish that instead of a card they had a special library windbreaker with my name embroidered on the front. That would really feel club like.