I'm going to have to bring a pinata to the finale to living things up

Who is totally unexcited about the finale of So You Think You Can Dance?*

Me.

Because all of my favorite dancers are gone. Jeanette was my number 1, followed by Ade, then Melissa. And now they're all gone.

All those weeks of watching Mary Murphy scream...wasted.

Well, full disclosure, I barely watched Mary Murphy at all. DVR was invented so that we all could fast forward right through her hot tamale train yelping.

*I just realized that, other than my mild obsession with America's Next Top Model, I don't often write about current television shows that I watch. I don't know why that is. I certainly am not trying to give off the impression that I don't want a lot of TV. Trust me, folks, that is not the case. I watch loads of TV. And I don't know about you, but it has always kind of bothered me when people say, "Oh, I don't really watch TV." Like they're just too busy dusting their volumes of the OED to watch a rerun of MASH. (Fact: I don't ever get tired of MASH reruns. Ever.)

I found a hair on my lip

I was getting ready for work this morning when I noticed something on my upper lip. Something black. Something that looked like hair.

The following is an excerpt from the inner monologue I had (exclamation points, italics and caps included):

"A hair! I officially have a mustache! I'm an 80 year old woman with a MUSTACHE! I know it was only a matter of time before I got one but Knights of Columbus, I'm too young to have a mustache! I already have rogue eyebrow hairs sprouting up on my eyelids! Haven't I suffered enough!?!? I'm going to have to wax! Or I could bleach. But if I bleach it I won't ever be able to go outside again because it will catch the light of the sun and someone will say, 'Hey, you got something glittering on your lip,' and then they'll go in for a better look and then recoil in disgust. Or I could pluck, but it looks pretty sturdy. Like it has deep roots. Like it's sucking all the youth and vitality right out of me. NO! Waxing is my only option. Or maybe I should just go to the Home for the Ugly and Tragic and wear muumuus and support hose for the rest of my life!"

Upon closer inspection I turned out to be one of my rogue eyebrow hairs that landed on my lip after vigorous plucking. Crisis averted.

For now.

A flea infestation would have been bad too.

A partial list of things that would have made this morning even worse:

1.) A earthquake splitting a gash in the earth and my office falling into it.
2.) Rickets

Actually, number 1 would have probably help us have a little perspective, so maybe I should just take that off.

It's better now. The major problem has been MIRACULOUSLY solved. There were angels with gold trumpets heralding the phone call that solved that one. And I had a really good lunch that included a pudding snack. But that does not mean I still couldn't do with a very long nap.

I'll be under my desk if anyone needs me.

Six Degrees of Tony Danza

My sisters and I play this game where we try to connect ourselves to celebrities through other celebrities we've seen in person. Like 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon.

For example, let's say I want to connect myself to Tony Danza. I saw Matthew Perry at a Ducks game last year - Matthew Perry was in Fools Rush in with Salma Hayek - Salma Hayek was on Ugly Betty with Judith Light - Judith Light was on Who's the Boss with Tony Danza. The trick is to see how close you can get. It helps if you have a lot of random knowledge about movies.

This game if fairly easy to play if you go to sporting events in Los Angeles. Celebrities usually show up there. We were at Dodger Stadium on Saturday and it was a cavalcade of stars. Rob Lowe, Mario Lopez (who would show up to a JV badminton team's spring car wash if it meant getting his face on camera.), Tom Arnold, Dawson from Dawson's Creek, and Larry King (to quote my brother: "Thus proving that he is not just a corpse with a microphone. Although, in this case, he looked like a corpse in a Dodger hat.) And the lead singer from Creed (bleh!) growled the national anthem. and said the lines: "through the perilous flight" and "ore the ramparts we washed." It's wrong to laugh through the national anthem, right?

Most of those won't get me very far. Well, except for Rob Lowe because he was in the West Wing (I LOVED that show. Love it!) and tons of people guest starred on that show. I once crossed the street with Laura Innes (she played the doctor with the cane on ER) and that has exploded my possibilities because if you can get yourself connected to George Clooney that connects you to Oceans 11 and that movie is gold when it comes to playing this game. Especially if you are connecting to dead actors.

So, how many people does it take for you to connect to Tony Danza?*

*Wait! I just remembered I've seen Judith Light in person. Ha! One!

I don't have the Fever

Happy Pioneer Day everyone!

I was thinking of telling Chiquita that today is a very special religious holiday and that I would like to have it off so I could commemorate the pioneer trek by trekking to the beach. I even have a bonnet to wear! But I opted against it because, well, I have a feeling that sort of thing gets you on the wrong side of eternal happiness. So I trekked to work this morning instead. Without my bonnet, because I got a new haircut last night and it is shorter than a pioneer woman would have it.

Much shorter. Like, the only way a pioneer woman would have such short hair is if she had the Fever and had to cut if all off because it was sucking all of her strength.

I'm practically bald.

Okay, that's a lie. I still have plenty of hair. But what isn't a lie is that I have about 3 strands of hair long enough to fit into a ponytail.

That may also be a lie. It's more like 10.



Because what you may not be able to tell from this picture is that Sarah layered and thinned it for like 18 hours last night. She's a master at it. We come from a family with very large heads and lots of hair and layering and thinning is the only thing that keeps us out of the Home for the Tragic and Ugly.

I'm coming around to it. At times I think it's kind of kicky and sassy and fun. And then there are moments when I think it makes my head look fat. Or my nose look enormous. Or it shoves my eyebrows about an inch closer to my eyes. The real test will be tomorrow when I wash it and the tumbleweed sets in. There will not be pictures of that. But you can have another one from today.



Because how better to celebrate Pioneer Day then with fish lips.

The evening started with a show and ended with a walk through a cow farm at midnight. Awesome!

I went to an Eric Hutchenson concert last night. Funny story: I only vaguely knew one song of his but because I like going to shows with fun people in small venues I decided why not. Right? Except that it was on a school night. And my school night bed-time is 10. So is my weekend bed-time. But I'm 80. I'm telling you this because if this post ends up being just an incoherent bunch of letters that means I have fallen asleep on the keyboard and as my head fell forward my nose managed to hit the right keys to publish the post.

So there I was, 80 years old, at a concert of a guy I had barely heard of, having a really fantastic time. Because his songs are super fun and catchy and he and his band were great performers and I was with Camille and my cousins Sarah and Allie. Win-win-win.

A few observations:

1.) I was standing behind the TALLEST COUPLE ON THE PLANET. They were easily 8 feet tall. They were the Jolly Green Giants of Young Love. Except that they were both wearing orange. Interesting. I managed to have a good view between their heads but they were in love and they liked to show it by kissing after every verse. And sometimes at the beginning and ending of the chorus. And all the way through the bridge. So a lot of my view consisted of them making out.

2.) Mormons love Eric Hutchenson. Just in my immediate surroundings there was my group, and the Giants (we noticed a CTR ring) and then when I was mentioning the ring the girl standing next to me was all, "Are you Mormon? So am I! Well, I was. But I'm not anymore. Obviously," as she had just spilt her cocktail on the floor.

3.) Can we please be done with the headband craze? Pretty please? You know what I'm talking about right? Not the demur ones that go on top of your head but the retarded ones that go across your forehead. Like your Pocahontas. Or an extra in Hair. There were like 20 girls there with them on (including the Giantess in front of me. Hers had feathers dangling from it!) and, sure, they're kids, and this is what kids do, they follow trends like this, but golly they look ridiculous to me. Because I'm 80.

At this point of the story it is important to note that we met up at Sarah & Allie's family's home. My uncle works for a school/farm for wayward boys and their home is on the property. Well, the gates were closed by the time we got back and neither of the girls had their remotes to get in and my car was still up at the house so Camille just dropped us off at the gate and we ended up walking up the hill to the house. In order to save a half mile or so on the walk we decided to cut through the farm. Did I mention it was midnight? And there wasn't a moon? And we were all in flip-flops. We had to cut across a ditch and walk through some pine trees with enormous spiderwebs and it smelled like skunks and manure and I had the vague feeling that I was this close to stepping in cow pies. It was pretty hilarious. I love it when fun nights end in unexpected ways.

Breaking News

News Update: The ice cream social originally scheduled for this Saturday has been postponed to a yet-to-be-determined date. I have a feeling that it will still be 163 degrees here in a few weeks so I think we'll all have a good time. In the meantime might I suggest you enjoy a refreshing Otter-Pop. Last night I had one for dinner. I believe it was a Sir Isaac Lime.

In other news: I saw Harry Potter last night. You can read what I thought about it here.

How come none of you have boats?

Heather, Katie and I headed up to Big Bear on Saturday for the 1800s Fair and Logger Jubilee! It was pretty awesome. There was axe throwing and chainsawing and pole climbing and an obstacle course that involved running over a bunch of logs with a chain saw and then cutting a piece of wood off of a log with it. We almost saw an old man die doing it. It was terrifying! When he finally got off of the course the crowd stood up and cheered. Not because he finished but because he didn't lose an limb, or have a heart attack, or toss the chainsaw into the crowd, or any other all-too-likely scenario that we all collectively envisioned.

I had a great time, thanks mostly to my love of reenactors. There's something truly special about people who wear period garb in public and speak with accents. You know, Ren-Faire-ers, Civil War buffs, pirates. I love their dedication. Since this fair spanned the entire 19th century (What, you can't pick a decade?) there were plenty of these people to admire. All the security were dressed up like Old West sheriffs. There was a singing group of Ladies of Easy Virtue all dressed in silk robes and corsets. There were a few bustles and bonnets and lots of spurs and chaps. None of the lumberjacks were wearing plaid shirts, which was disappointing, but a number of them had chewing tobacco tucked inside their lips. Authentic!

After the fair we drove around the lake and found a bench to sit on and watch the water-skiers fall down. This has made me decide that I need new friends because none of my current ones own boats. It seems like everyone but me knows someone with a boat and they all go up to the lake every weekend and have a great time skiing and laughing at people who don't know someone who owns a boat. So, I'm currently taking applications for new friends with boats, or at least a few jet skis. It would really sweeten the deal if you had a lake side cabin so that after all that skiing and laughing we could go back and take naps.

Mr. Las Vegas Visits Highland, CA

So let it be known: if Wayne Newton ever calls me up and asks me to be his back-up singer, I will leave all of you and spend the rest of my good years singing Viva Las Vegas with him.

Words really can't describe it. He was everything I hoped for and more.

Well, strike that. He was everything but the singing. Wow, he has really gone down in that department. I felt incredibly awkward as he was singing the Kenny Roger's classic "Lady". Boy, that was bad. But everything else was TOP NOTCH.

His enormous diamond pinky ring was blinding. His hair was lacquered like a super shiny lacquered thing. His tuxedo was straight out of the 80s. He wiggled his hips and told slightly inappropriate jokes. He flirted with all the girls and called us dolls. It was magical! You know how sometimes you have an image of what something should be - something you've dreamed of and have high expectations for - and when you see it, it disappoints? This was not one of those times. It was exactly what I imagined it to be. Which was hilariously funny and wonderfully amazing and very, very entertaining. Because even though he sounded dreadful, the man knows how to put on a show.

And let's talk about the venue for a sec. If you ever get the chance to see a show at an Indian casino, you MUST go. Promise me you will. Because you will love all the 80 year olds there. LOVE THEM! I have never seen so many walkers, wheel chairs and jazzies in my life. One woman walked by with an oxygen tank. And everyone had on the same outfit: baggy polyester pants, orthopedic shoes or sneakers, and Hawaiian shirts in earth tones. It was a sea of yellow and green and brown floral print. It was like we were at a desert luau.

Cynde and I came armed with our bedazzled granny panties (Thanks, Chris!) and we held them up with pride. Much to the amusement of the elderly around us. We were the youngest in the crowd by about 50 years but we were certainly not the most vocal. There were some women there who I think would have given up their first born to have Wayne blow them a kiss.

He spent a lot of time chit-chatting and telling jokes. And he also would read the occasional note from friends who were in the audience and then sing songs dedicated to them "and all the ladies." And about halfway through the show the weirdest thing happened. He was singing a song when suddenly (and I'm NOT making this up) Flavor Flav jumps up on stage, complete with his jumbo clock necklace and jester hat, and gives him a hug. Flavor Flav! At a Wayne Newton concert! At the San Manuel Indian Casino! And Cynde and I may have been the only people there who knew who he was. I bet the elderly were all wondering when security was going to come and take that crazy old woman off the stage. From the back he actually does look like a crazy old woman. It was surreal. And rad.

I'm giving out awards to my sisters for orchestrating the whole thing. And to Cynde, who would drive across the desert in July to laugh through a show with me. To thank her I took her to the beach this morning, where we rented a tandem bike and ate gelato. Thanks C! I love that you love to be silly!

*******

Helpful Hint: if you're thinking of riding a tandem bike be prepared to never stop. It is much harder than it looks to get going. We almost had to kill a few small children because we couldn't muster the strength to stop, knowing that we would have to start again.

Picture Explanation: I just realized that it looks like I have a wee mustache in that picture of us at the beach. It's a shadow, people. A shadow!

News Flash: I've decided to have the ice cream social next Saturday 07/25/09 from 12 to 2. I can't decide if I want to have it at my place or a nearby park. What are you thought? Would anyone even come?

If you see my mug shot on the news it means I made it in.

You all know my DEEP AND ETERNAL LOVE for the fair. I'm a bit over the top about it. But it's just so awesome.

One of my favorite things at the fair are the craft competitions. I love to see what people crochet, stitch, scrapbook, sew, quilt, and macrame. You cannot imagine how many people crochet stuffed pigs. It's ridiculous! Every year I say I'm going to enter something but I always miss the deadline. Well, this year Katie decided to enter something and she's way on top of things, so in between dying from pneumonia and traveling to Utah she managed to keep us on task and we got our entry forms in on time.

Yesterday was the official drop off time so after work I headed down to the fair grounds and drove right on in. As in I got to drive onto the fair grounds, past the exhibit halls and right up to the race track. Super fun!

Now, this is not my first time driving around the fair grounds when it's empty. In my previous life as a school district drone I organized and dropped off the entries for the education expo they hold there. But I always entered from the east side and went by the farm and Mexican village. You miss some things when you go that route.

Things like..

THE BIG YELLOW SLIDE!

I had no idea that they have it up all year. And now that I know it, I'm going to have to devise a plan to sneak onto the grounds and take a few rides down. Who's with me?

I've decided that if my dream of a bowling alley wedding reception doesn't come true (Instead of assigned tables there will be assigned lanes. The first dance will be on DDR. Bride and Groom bowling shirts. Nachos and soda for everyone. Admit it, you think it's a brilliant idea and you imagine yourself having the time of your life. Hurry, Wealthy Benefactor! Hurry!) then I'm going to have it at the fair next to the BIG YELLOW SLIDE.