Thursday, May 14, 2009

I should be the next judge on ANTM

Dear Tyra Banks,

So, I hear you fired Paulina Porizkova from America's Next Top Model. That is a real shame because I thought she was leaps and bounds better than Twiggy. And she always gave really good critique to the girls without being all Wise Woman of the Forest, like someone we know (psst, I'm talking about you). I can see how this would be intimidating to you. But whatever. It's a new day, right? Onwards and upwards and what-not.

I gather this means that you'll be on the hunt for a new judge. And, to make it easier on you, because I know how busy you must be with ANTM and the Tyra Show and wrangling your enormous weave, I would like to recommend someone.

Me.


Now, I realize that I don't have any real experience in the fashion industry and I'm not exactly the model type (I weigh more than 92 pounds and my legs are approximately 2 inches long) but I do have a few qualifications that I think make me the best bet to sit next to Miss J at the judges panel.

1.) I've seen every episode of the show so I know exactly what my role would be. At judges panel I would be expected to sit and smile and occasionally say a sassy comment, maybe contradict Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker, but never you.

2.) I'm funny. I think the show could use more laughs.

3.) I'm short. And this would be an advantage since you're picking only shorties for the next cycle.

4.) My funny/short combo makes me the ideal side kick. Every successful show has one. Velma on Scooby-doo, Suki on Gilmore Girls, Rhoda on Mary Tyler Moore. I could be your Rhoda!

5.) You can ask Katie to verify but I am REALLY GOOD at guessing who will be the first picture chosen and who will be in the bottom two and who will be going home. Like 99% really good. This shows that I have a good eye. Or maybe I've seen the show enough times (refer to #1) to know that when a girl says at the beginning of the show, "There is no way I'm going home this week," she is totally going home.

6.) I make really good cookies. We will always have excellent snacks.

7.) I will not try to compete with you. I know that you like the spot light - you can totally have it. Believe me when I say that if we were ever in a competition to see who would look the fiercest in a cinched dress, you would win every time.

8.) I know how to smile with my eyes.

Pretty impressive list right? I hope to hear from you soon. I'll get the cookies in the oven in preparation.

Hugs and Kisses,
Rachel

8 comments:

camille said...

Really? Can I send this to Tyra? I want to really bad. I'm going to research on how to get an email to Tyra. You are a perfect candidate.

The Katzbox said...

Hey! I can smile with MY eyes also!!! And you know that "lift" that Tyra does with her ears?...yea...I can totally do that one as well....

but that isn't enough to make me a judge, so I will through my support behind you, my funny, judge-able friend. Rachel for judge!!!

Why did Paulina get canned? I thought she was wonderful. She certainly had the experience. Is it my imagination, or is each cycle getting cattier and cattier? (I'm talking to YOU Miss J)..not that it isn't custom made for that anyway, but I'm just wondering......

Stephanie said...

Dearest Tyra,

If you don't choose my friend Rachel for your sidekick, you are not as smart as you think you are.

I would do it for the cookies alone.

Love,
Stephanie

Taryn said...

You have got my vote Rachel.

Bring on the petition! Not only will I sign my name, I will also add Donald Duck, Olive Oil, Sponge Bob and many of my other close friends!

Taryn

Liz W. said...

Okay, so I've never watched ANTM, but I'm in for the new season! (As long as I can watch it with you and hear all your sassy comments.)

Rach said...

I'll sign a petition, too. I would gladly pay money to see you as a judge on ANTM. I wonder why Tyra fired Paulina. Maybe her magic mirror told her Paulina was now the fairest in the land. I will miss Paulina, but I will not be sad if she is replaced by you. You make a very convincing argument. I will also find out how to contact Tyra to get you on the show.

Mariah said...

I've been feeling very bland and not funny so I've been reading your archives for some inspiration (I only started following you in June). You made me laugh out loud with this one. Thanks. I live on the other side of the world but I totally wish I could watch the next cycle with you.

john said...

Tyra Banks is hoping to lure a few more viewers this season by featuring crooners Clay Aiken and Ciara as guest judges on America's Next Top Model. My support with you.

Thanks
Sam
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