Dear Tyra Banks,
So, I hear you fired Paulina Porizkova from America's Next Top Model. That is a real shame because I thought she was leaps and bounds better than Twiggy. And she always gave really good critique to the girls without being all Wise Woman of the Forest, like someone we know (psst, I'm talking about you). I can see how this would be intimidating to you. But whatever. It's a new day, right? Onwards and upwards and what-not.
I gather this means that you'll be on the hunt for a new judge. And, to make it easier on you, because I know how busy you must be with ANTM and the Tyra Show and wrangling your enormous weave, I would like to recommend someone.
Now, I realize that I don't have any real experience in the fashion industry and I'm not exactly the model type (I weigh more than 92 pounds and my legs are approximately 2 inches long) but I do have a few qualifications that I think make me the best bet to sit next to Miss J at the judges panel.
1.) I've seen every episode of the show so I know exactly what my role would be. At judges panel I would be expected to sit and smile and occasionally say a sassy comment, maybe contradict Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker, but never you.
2.) I'm funny. I think the show could use more laughs.
3.) I'm short. And this would be an advantage since you're picking only shorties for the next cycle.
4.) My funny/short combo makes me the ideal side kick. Every successful show has one. Velma on Scooby-doo, Suki on Gilmore Girls, Rhoda on Mary Tyler Moore. I could be your Rhoda!
5.) You can ask Katie to verify but I am REALLY GOOD at guessing who will be the first picture chosen and who will be in the bottom two and who will be going home. Like 99% really good. This shows that I have a good eye. Or maybe I've seen the show enough times (refer to #1) to know that when a girl says at the beginning of the show, "There is no way I'm going home this week," she is totally going home.
6.) I make really good cookies. We will always have excellent snacks.
7.) I will not try to compete with you. I know that you like the spot light - you can totally have it. Believe me when I say that if we were ever in a competition to see who would look the fiercest in a cinched dress, you would win every time.
8.) I know how to smile with my eyes.
Pretty impressive list right? I hope to hear from you soon. I'll get the cookies in the oven in preparation.
Hugs and Kisses,