Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Internal Monologue at Wal-Mart

Walk walk walk walk.  Don't stop walking.  Don't stop for a cart because you're just here for envelopes and toner.  Envelopes and toner.  Nothing but envelopes and toner.  Are those Pringles really on sale for a $1?  NO!  Envelopes and toner.  It smells like feet in here.  Listen pack of wild children, I'm just here for envelopes and toner. I will kick you in the shins if you don't get out of my way. Envelopes. Not what I want or need but it will do.  Wal-Mart is trying to kill me with these displays right in the middle of their aisles. People of Wal-Mart - you will not find a movie worth buying in that bin that is right in the middle of the aisle!  Stop looking!  It is nothing but Weekend at Bernie's II and the latest straight to video Steven Segal.  But if you insist on looking, move your cart out of my way! Please!  Please for the love of all that is good and holy, move your cart!  Or at least move your grandma.  Why do entire families come to Wal-Mart?  I have never once been out shopping with my mom, dad, grandparents and siblings all in tow. Questioning is just slowing you down, Rach.  Keep it moving.  Toner.  Toner.  Toner.  No toner. This cannot be.  There has to be toner.  I...but...no...I HATE YOU WAL-MART!!!!!  AN ENTIRE WALL OF TONER AND YOU ARE OUT OF THE ONLY ONE I NEED.  THE ONLY REASON I CAME HERE WAS BECAUSE YOUR TONER IS CHEAPER.  I JUST CAME HERE FOR THE TONER!!! WHY!?  WHHHYYYYY!!!!????? I HOPE THIS PERVASIVE SMELL OF FEET IS ACTUALLY A SIGN OF RAMPANT MOLD AND YOU HAVE TO BE PERMANENTLY SHUT DOWN UNTIL YOU ARE DESTROYED BY A BALL OF FIRE WHEN ARMAGEDDON COMES AROUND AS I AM SURE YOU WILL THE FIRST TO GO ONCE ALL THE SMITING BEGINS!!!!!!! Exit.  Exit.  Exit.  Must get out of here.  No, I'll put my envelopes back because you're not getting my money today, Wal-Mart. Exit. Exit. Exit. Why does everyone walk so slow when they get here?  Is there some kind of strolling competition going on?  Okay, enormous family on a field trip, you see me trying to get around you. I KNOW YOU SEE ME! I'm going to die in this Wal-Mart.  I'm going to die and they'll never find my body because that pack of wild children will eat me and throw my remains in the center aisle display of plush Angry Bird pillows.  Woe.  Woe, to the life I would have had.  Farewell.

11 comments:

Rach said...

Two things: First of all, I have a theory, and that theory is that I think Walmart draws you in with their low prices so they can feed the life-sucking demon that lives below the store and provides all their merchandise. Every time I leave I feel like I need a two-hour nap to regain the part of my soul that has been removed. Second, the reason families go to Walmart together is because the mom (read: me) needs some stuff there, but doesn't want to wrangle the kids all alone, so she puts it off until dad gets home. Then dad says, hey, let's make a night of it, because I need to pick up a super specific part for the car that mom won't know how to find. And that's how the whole family ends up there. We are there as a family at least twice a month. And then we come home and crash in front of the TV because of the demon.

Camille said...

Holy Cow that gave me anxiety.

Emily said...

Okay, so this is exactly how my walmart encounters go! I ONLY go there either because I need one thing I know will be cheaper, or for a handful of things that I want to be able to get at one store so I don't have to go to the grocery, and office store and pharmacy, and I'm in a hurry. Which is stupid, because every time without fail they don't have the thing I need and I end up going to 3 stores anyway. One time I went for pens and bananas and they had neither one! How does walmart not have pens or bananas? I don't know. I'm going to stop now before I write my own novel. Just know you are not alone.

Brooke Taylor said...

And somehow the one in Upland is just worse than every other Wal-Mart I've ever been to put together.

Stephanie said...

California Walmarts are pure awful. On the other hand, Walmarts in Little Rock, Arkansas are absolutely luxurious (hard wood floors, big aisles, cheap pringles). Here in the AZ it might not be as nice as LR, but I shop at the super Walmart at least once a week without major anxiety. Price matching rocks my socks, so I'm willing to put up with small indignities. I also go during the day when I can run into other stay-at-home moms and old ladies instead of families.

And - my Walmart doesn't smell like feet. That would make me sick.

Valerie said...

It's not that I'm not sympathetic. I am. But, I mean, you did, VOLUNTARILY, go to Walmart.

Walmart.

Angela Noelle of SK said...

We don't have Walmart here.

/blink blink

Isn't it just a department store? What makes it so bad?

Andrea said...

I'd have to agree that Upland Walmart is the worst one but I dread going to the ones here in AZ as well. The problem I face is the checkout. I either get stuck behind people using food stamps or price matching, or the cashier has no clue what they are doing. I have never gotten through checkout in under 20 minutes. This is why I can't buy a carton of ice cream in the summer. By the time I make it outside it is already soft and then it melts to soup.

liz said...

Now you must visit peopleofwalmart.com. If you've already seen it, you will know that some of the comments are a little randy, but a picture is worth a thousand words, and oh boy, well, let's just say you can practically smell the walmart aroma from your monitor.

Mary P said...

Those above ^ say the Upland Wal-mart is the worst. I've only been there once, and I lost my digital camera, so it's probably true.

But really I just wanted to comment to say you are HILARIOUS. I was laughing out loud by line three. Awesomeness.

Elizabeth Loyle said...

Walmart is the evil empire, so glad all we get here is ASDA which is owned by them but less pervasive so easier to avoid - and they don't have a McDonald's inside