Saturday, February 11, 2012
The Internal Monologue at Wal-Mart
Walk walk walk walk. Don't stop walking. Don't stop for a cart because you're just here for envelopes and toner. Envelopes and toner. Nothing but envelopes and toner. Are those Pringles really on sale for a $1? NO! Envelopes and toner. It smells like feet in here. Listen pack of wild children, I'm just here for envelopes and toner. I will kick you in the shins if you don't get out of my way. Envelopes. Not what I want or need but it will do. Wal-Mart is trying to kill me with these displays right in the middle of their aisles. People of Wal-Mart - you will not find a movie worth buying in that bin that is right in the middle of the aisle! Stop looking! It is nothing but Weekend at Bernie's II and the latest straight to video Steven Segal. But if you insist on looking, move your cart out of my way! Please! Please for the love of all that is good and holy, move your cart! Or at least move your grandma. Why do entire families come to Wal-Mart? I have never once been out shopping with my mom, dad, grandparents and siblings all in tow. Questioning is just slowing you down, Rach. Keep it moving. Toner. Toner. Toner. No toner. This cannot be. There has to be toner. I...but...no...I HATE YOU WAL-MART!!!!! AN ENTIRE WALL OF TONER AND YOU ARE OUT OF THE ONLY ONE I NEED. THE ONLY REASON I CAME HERE WAS BECAUSE YOUR TONER IS CHEAPER. I JUST CAME HERE FOR THE TONER!!! WHY!? WHHHYYYYY!!!!????? I HOPE THIS PERVASIVE SMELL OF FEET IS ACTUALLY A SIGN OF RAMPANT MOLD AND YOU HAVE TO BE PERMANENTLY SHUT DOWN UNTIL YOU ARE DESTROYED BY A BALL OF FIRE WHEN ARMAGEDDON COMES AROUND AS I AM SURE YOU WILL THE FIRST TO GO ONCE ALL THE SMITING BEGINS!!!!!!! Exit. Exit. Exit. Must get out of here. No, I'll put my envelopes back because you're not getting my money today, Wal-Mart. Exit. Exit. Exit. Why does everyone walk so slow when they get here? Is there some kind of strolling competition going on? Okay, enormous family on a field trip, you see me trying to get around you. I KNOW YOU SEE ME! I'm going to die in this Wal-Mart. I'm going to die and they'll never find my body because that pack of wild children will eat me and throw my remains in the center aisle display of plush Angry Bird pillows. Woe. Woe, to the life I would have had. Farewell.
Who Said So? Rachel Knecht on Saturday, February 11, 2012