Can you believe that I have spent my whole life here and have never been to Medieval Times? I mean, who loves campiness more than this girl? So it was with true, un-ironic glee that I accepted Emily's invitation for last Friday. There was a moment in the show when I leaned over to her and said, "You are my one true friend for bringing me here."
Because where else can you watch fancy horse dancing while eating half a chicken with your bare hands? The highlights:
1.) You probably all have been, but here's how it goes down: You eat your dinner while a show of horsemanship and knightly jousting goes on. And there are actors who play the king and the princess and the Bad Guy and the Master of Ceremonies and several knights. I could not help but wonder what it must be like to say, "I play the Bad Guy at Medieval Times." Is this their actual job? Or are they all accountants who do this on the side? I'm legitimately curious. And our waiter was no help at all when we asked him about it. But he did seem to have aspirations to at least work his way up to page boy.
2.) You really do eat all of your food with your hands. There are no utensils. Which is so gloriously gimmicky. I loved it.
3.) There was a falconer. I mean, the Royal Falconer. And I don't know if you're aware of this but I'm not too keen on birds, any kind really, but particularly large birds of prey that can claw my eyes out and nest in my hair. So there was a little bit of panic when the falcon was let loose and he swooped over us and all I could think of was, "Do I in any way resemble a rodent? When he flaps his wings do particles of avian flu flutter down on my tomato soup? I wish my hair wasn't such a frizzy mess because it is looking a lot like a nest right about now."
4.) If cheering were an Olympic sport the Chinese would not even stand a chance against me. I love to root for people. Which came in handy because you're assigned a knight to cheer on in the tournament. Ours had the best hair - lots of flowing locks. But he was ousted in the first round. It is a testament to how much I love to scream encouraging things to people that I continued to cheer on the other knights, even though I had no allegiance to them.
5.) The stunts in the tournament looked something like this: dodge a fatal blow, wait one second, tuck and roll like you've been struck. Or, if on a horse, narrowly miss being run through with the lance, wait for your horse to get to its mark, leap from the horse. Impressive
6.) I love that Medieval Times is still a destination. The place was packed. I guess because it's been around for decades I just assumed that it had run its course and would shortly go the way of the Movieland Wax Museum across the street. But no - people still wore their paper crowns with pride. I was thrilled.
7.) There are more than enough opportunities to quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail - as if you need them.