Monday, June 23, 2008

I hope you're getting a 50% cut

Dear Mario Lopez's Agent,

Sometime last year I seriously thought that Gwen Stefani was stalking me. Because every time I picked up a magazine or turned on the radio or tv, there she was. I couldn't get away from her. I'm beginning to feel that way about your client.

You must have some serious magical mojo because Mario Lopez is EVERYWHERE. He's on Broadway! He has a book out! He's hosting some show on MTV! He's sitting in for Regis! This is all pretty impressive since, let's be honest here, his only real talent is looking good with his shirt off. Oh, and he can rock a pair of stone-washed, tapered-leg, high-waisted, pleated jeans like no other. I do realized that that's way more talent than a person actually needs to be on every network morning show nowadays but even so, the level of saturation is incredible and I may have to get a restraining order. I guess in your book that's a job well done.

Except that you weren't done. Katie brought home a People Magazine the other day and I was not surprised to see Mario on the side of the corner. But I was entirely surprised to see the words "Sexiest Bachelor" underneath him. That had to be the greatest moment of your career, right? I mean, can anyone actually believe that's true when George Clooney is still single? Or Gerard Butler? Get real.

I guess I should say congratulations but my heart really isn't in it.

Best,
Rachel

P.S. In regards to the pictures inside People, I don't think the world needed to know exactly how thorough Mario Lopez's wax job was. I certainly didn't.

7 comments:

Laura said...

I JUST saw that people at the doctor's office! I didn't read the article, just saw the copy-cat pictures he did. I will say he does look good with his shirt off. HOWEVER, I still feel he's just another pretty boy...and that's about it. Am I mean? Oh well!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Heather said...

I've been noticing him everywhere too--thank you so much for writing this letter. I think you just saved my life.

Anonymous said...

Again you speak so true. If you think it is bad around the country, you should see it here in New York. There are posters of him EVERYWHERE, since he is in A Chorus Line right now. While he may rock the “stone-washed, tapered-leg, high-waisted, pleated jeans like no other”, the super-tight, tan, polyester dance pants are no one’s friend (see here: http://www.broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=26782 scroll down, the picture of him jumping with his fist in the air is everywhere in NYC & New Jersey).

Alas rumor has it that his bright future on Broadway is being cut shorter than expected by non other than: Katie Holmes. Evidently she is a big deal now (or she at lest thinks so) and so mountains (or at least theaters) are being moved just for her (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25250163/ ), at Mario’s expense.

It seems to be the “Early-90’s Teen Idol Shuffle” on “The Great White Way”…….

Mer in NYC said...

Again you speak so true. If you think it is bad around the country, you should see it here in New York. There are posters of him EVERYWHERE, since he is in A Chorus Line right now. While he may rock the “stone-washed, tapered-leg, high-waisted, pleated jeans like no other”, the super-tight, tan, polyester dance pants are no one’s friend (see here: http://www.broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=26782 scroll down, the picture of him jumping with his fist in the air is everywhere in NYC & New Jersey).

Alas rumor has it that his bright future on Broadway is being cut shorter than expected by non other than: Katie Holmes. Evidently she is a big deal now (or she at lest thinks so) and so mountains (or at least theaters) are being moved just for her (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25250163/ ), at Mario’s expense.

It seems to be the “Early-90’s Teen Idol Shuffle” on “The Great White Way”…….

Rac said...

How did Mario get the job hosting America's Best Dance Crew? He is so not right for the job. I just watched it for my first time, and he can't really pull off homeboy, as hard as he's trying. And now I know why Shane Sparks isn't on SYTYCD anymore. On to edgier dance competitions. And talk about edgy. JC Chavez as a judge? Does it get better than that? I submit that it does NOT!

Empress of Venus said...

I just don't see the attraction, even with the dimple. He wasn't "the hot guy" on Saved By The Bell, and that's when he was young! I think I should take his towel and throw it in, and then help him set up house next door to Tony Danza.