Dear Mario Lopez's Agent,
Sometime last year I seriously thought that Gwen Stefani was stalking me. Because every time I picked up a magazine or turned on the radio or tv, there she was. I couldn't get away from her. I'm beginning to feel that way about your client.
You must have some serious magical mojo because Mario Lopez is EVERYWHERE. He's on Broadway! He has a book out! He's hosting some show on MTV! He's sitting in for Regis! This is all pretty impressive since, let's be honest here, his only real talent is looking good with his shirt off. Oh, and he can rock a pair of stone-washed, tapered-leg, high-waisted, pleated jeans like no other. I do realized that that's way more talent than a person actually needs to be on every network morning show nowadays but even so, the level of saturation is incredible and I may have to get a restraining order. I guess in your book that's a job well done.
Except that you weren't done. Katie brought home a People Magazine the other day and I was not surprised to see Mario on the side of the corner. But I was entirely surprised to see the words "Sexiest Bachelor" underneath him. That had to be the greatest moment of your career, right? I mean, can anyone actually believe that's true when George Clooney is still single? Or Gerard Butler? Get real.
I guess I should say congratulations but my heart really isn't in it.
P.S. In regards to the pictures inside People, I don't think the world needed to know exactly how thorough Mario Lopez's wax job was. I certainly didn't.