Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I think these cats just proposed marriage to me.

Dear People I'm House-sitting For:

You're coming back tomorrow and I wanted to give you your grade.  It's a solid B-.  Since I spent most of my academic career getting B-'s I'm going to say that it's nothing to be ashamed of.  

I'll tell you what could have given you a higher grade.  A toaster.  The first night I got here I wanted some toast (naturally) so I pulled some bread out and looked around all the counters in your vast kitchen and couldn't find the toaster.  I looked in all 85 of your cupboards.  Nothing.  I looked again, because surely, you must have a toaster.  How could you not?  A toaster is the most essential of all kitchen appliances.  You can get by with not having a Kitchen-Aide, but a toaster?  What do you do at midnight when you're feeling a little peckish?  Or when it's dinner-time and you've looked in the fridge at least 5 times hoping that someone has magically put something in there for you to eat but no one actually has?  You have 3 blenders, but no toaster.  This just seems negligent.  I had to toast my bread in the oven, like a savage.  

Everything else I had a beef with was out of your control so I can't dock you for.  Like your cats' inability to respect personal space.  They are constantly by my side, walking all over me or wrapping their entire body around my ankle and licking my foot.  Have I mentioned that I don't like cat tongue?  And, full disclosure here, the idea of cats kind of give me the heebs anyway for the single reason that they march around in their own toilets.  Have you seen cats in litter boxes?  They take care of business and then they scratch around in it.  And then they jump up on your lap, or kitchen counters, where normal people prepare their toast.  Or they lick their paws and then lick you.  It's disgusting.  I once saw someone share her ice cream cone with her cat.  She would take a lick then her cat would take a lick then she would take another lick.  Do you know where that cat's tongue has been?  ON ITS BUTT!  

Aside from that I don't have anything against cats.  There is something very comforting about having one purring in your lap.  But your cats loved my lap so much that they would often fight each other over it, usually in my lap.  In order to get them off I would either have to stand up, which would often end in both of them clawing onto my pants, or I would have to squirt them with the water bottle, which I think they're becoming desensitized to.  It use to be that all I would have to do was shake the bottle at them and they'd get off, but now I have to actually squirt them 2 or 3 times before they stop giving me that look that says, "What do you want, Woman with a Warm Lap?  I'm lounging here."  What I want is for them to stop kneading my legs with their poopy paws.

Well, welcome back.  I hope you had a great trip.  Your home is lovely and I appreciate the gig.  Do call again.  Although I will be charging you substantially more the next time around for all the licking I have to endure.

Regards,
Rachel

8 comments:

Rac said...

You make a good point about the down side to cats. Which is why when I have a cat, it gets punished severely for getting those poopy paws near my counter or table and it is only allowed to eat its own food, and not even think about getting that little mouth near my ice cream. Of course, we gave away our cats recently because as good as they were about the above-mentioned problems, their hair just couldn't stay out of everything and it was giving Tim the heebs and triggering my gag reflex constantly. By the way, what kind of people have a gazillion cupboards and no toaster? Weird.

Laura said...

This is EXACTLY why I don't like cats...that they do tend to march around in their litter and then casually walk around on counter tops, beds, etc. It grosses me out.

And I was just craving toast the other day. I don't think I utilize toast as a meal as frequently as you do, but I do love a good piece from time to time...toast in the broiler isn't bad though. There's something sort of old-timey about it!

Heather said...

I love your style. I was enjoying my chocolate milk, and totally impressed that you said "they march around in their own toilets" instead of something a little more crude...and then I got to the end of the paragraph and laughed so hard I almost spit my milk out!

Silvestre Family said...

Oh Rachel.. What would I do without your blog? Probably never laugh so hard. Oh and a side note... I hate cats. Yes HATE, I know thats a bit strong, but really... on the counters? Where you prepare food? YUCK. I'm a dog person, but- an outside dog person. Personally all animals should remain outdoors. I hate the stench of pets in a home.

Tammy said...

How could you have ever thought that you lost it ? my cat should be BFF with those cats because it sounds like they have the same personality.

Valerie said...

So, when I first read your description of how you made your toast in the oven, I thought, "Oh Rachel, have you come to this?".

And then I thought way back, to BYU-Idaho, before then even, when it was Rick's college, during that semester I lived in the dorms, when I didn't have a toaster, and day after day I slid unsuspecting slices of bread into the oven in the hopes of turning them into toast. They burned every time.

themayerfamily said...

Rachel, I loved your discription of toasing in the oven as "like a savage." So primative. It makes me think about all of the gadgets we have.
About the cats, I'm with you. I really am kind of on the 'can't stand' end of the spectrum. Why do I have so many cats around my house do you ask? Because my land lord thinks she needs to feed every stray cat in the nation(and possoms for that matter) Does she just put out dry food for them? No, she puts out canned cat food(how expensive is that?). Then, so they don't fight, she puts one can out in the car port, one in the dog house(no dog, he died) and then one on the front porch.
Dear Barbara, please stop feeding the stray cats. They spray my front and back door and that smell really makes me wretch.
Love, Sara
(Sorry, it's realy annoying) THanks for the post

themayerfamily said...

Rachel, I loved your discription of toasing in the oven as "like a savage." So primative. It makes me think about all of the gadgets we have.
About the cats, I'm with you. I really am kind of on the 'can't stand' end of the spectrum. Why do I have so many cats around my house do you ask? Because my land lord thinks she needs to feed every stray cat in the nation(and possoms for that matter) Does she just put out dry food for them? No, she puts out canned cat food(how expensive is that?). Then, so they don't fight, she puts one can out in the car port, one in the dog house(no dog, he died) and then one on the front porch.
Dear Barbara, please stop feeding the stray cats. They spray my front and back door and that smell really makes me wretch.
Love, Sara
(Sorry, it's realy annoying) THanks for the post