Friday, August 22, 2008

Big Edie in the House!

The Doc has me on these natural allergy meds and I think what they mean by "natural" is "peyote" because I am feeling really loopy today. Like everything is silly kind of loopy.

Everything we do in the office has suddenly become hysterical to me. Like how I'm always pulling on people's ears or legs or heads or arms. And how the Doc holds up supplements to patients' chests and asks the body if it will take it (she did it to me and my body neglected to tell her that it would make me high.) I've been fighting off giggle fits all day. You may ask why I don't just let it out. Well, I would except that everyone, especially the Doc, does not see any humor in holistic medicine. No, not at all. They are Believers. And Believers don't think it's funny that you think pulling on their ear is hilarious. Anytime I try to make a joke about people walking up and down our hallway (a common practice -- something to do with calming down the body and preparing it for more pain), wearing nothing but a gown and their pantaloons, I get an earful about exactly why it is being done and how the Doc has saved their lives and did I know that the medical industry is trying to kill us and the pharmaceutical companies hate babies and puppies and love the Nazis. Did I say Believers? I meant Nut-jobs. Nice Nut-jobs, but nutty none-the-less. So no, I can't actually laugh. And you all know what a huge shame this is.

So what I wanted to tell you was that we have this patient who came in today to pick up some supplements and she just got back from Hawaii and was wearing a rather low-cut sundress and she's like 119 years old which means that (and this is the part where I rack my brain for a good euphemism because my dad reads this blog and I know that in a few seconds he's going to hang his head and sigh because he's wishing he had classier daughters but the peyote is really taking affect and I can't seem to think of a clever way to say this so I'm just going to tell it like it is, so sorry Dad) her enormous old-lady bosom was swinging down to her knees and all I could think of was Big Edie from Grey Gardens and her makeshift sweater/tube top and it took everything in me to not do my Little Edie impersonation for her and offer her some corn on the cob and then melt into a pool of giggles. I held it in...barely. But right now, with the Doc gone and all the Believers out of the office I'm laughing hysterically and can hardly see the computer screen from all the tears.

There will be entirely different tears tomorrow when Sam and Stacy and the Blessed Nephews return to the Frozen North. But for now I'm laughing.


jessica said...

I'm laughing too and hard! My only question is how did you even get hired at this place? Did you have to hold back laughing during the interview?

Rach said...

Oh, that is too funny. I am really proud of you for holding in your giggles while the Doc holds the medicine to people's chests and asks their bodies about it. I wouldn't last a day. I have no self control. Way to control yourself, even when you're on an herbal high.

Liz the Poet said...

Bravo, Rachel!

How you stopped yourself from offering corn on the cob only shows what S.T.A.U.N.C.H. resolve you have.

(Because I would have said something, and done a Little Edie dance.)

Heather said...

HAHAHA Oh man, it's a good thing I saved yours for last, because I would have been embarassed if everyone was still here to see me laughing like a loon! Oh, when can we get together so you can do your Little Edie impersonation for me?
I'm sure Sis Facer will want to be there too. She told me so. Well, she didnt actually say she wanted to see your Little Edie, but I know she'll enjoy it.

Andrea said...

You must be having a blast seeing these crazy things all the time. This reminds me of a time I went to a holistic doc. She did a similar thing with the supplements and asking my body if it will take it. I got freaked out when she put her hands on my head and commanded the pathogens of my body to leave. That did it for me, I left and never returned!

colleeeen said...

rachel flippin' knecht. un-be-leev-able.

now, this is what happens when you comment on other people's blogs - the rifraff notices you and comes calling. i have to burn time now reading your blog and finding out what-all happened to you in the last 12 or so years!