Where can I get doggy diapers?

Dear Maynard,

Is there some kind of club you're the president of? A club, maybe, where you get together with all the other animals I watch and compare notes on how to best get me committed? I ask because it seems like you have passed on your favorite trick to little Trixie. You know which one I'm talking about, the one where you would stand outside and not pee because you preferred peeing indoors on the new carpet. There were several times when I nearly drop kicked you out the second story window (And it would not be the first time I have drop kicked a tiny dog. No, not the first.) because I could not take another night of waking up to the sound of you peeing on the floor beside me.

It's your right to pass on your wisdom, but I'm a little upset that you shared it with Trixie. She's always been really good to me. You may not know this but I was there when she left behind the rough and tumble life on the streets and became a Dog of Elegant Leisure. I was at work and a PE teacher from the middle school across the street brought her in and said that she found her roaming around the track. One of my bosses decided to take her home so instead of going to the pound she got to spend the afternoon curled up in a little ball on my lap. She was very sweet. And she was my very first house sitting gig. So she and her pal Brutus hold a special place in my heart. Why did you have to go and ruin it? She would not stop peeing in the house!

And I feel like I should warn you here. The student is now the master. She has totally surpassed you in number of indoor puddles in one day. Yesterday I had to clean up after her 5 times. And that was even with both back doors open all day long. She would sun herself by the pool for hours and hours and then prance inside and let loose on the tile.

You win. I always knew you would.

Regards,
Rachel

Au Revoir Maynard

The picture is titled: Maynard, not peeing.

Alas, my time with Maynard has come to an end.

Things I will miss:

1.) In the morning, after I would let him out to not go pee because he's already peed in the house and I just haven't found it yet, we would climb back into bed and he would snuggle up next to me and sigh.

2.) Whenever he would wake up from a nap and shake himself out with so much vigor that his jaw would go a little crooked and he would look, as if it were possible, even more retarded.

3.) How excited he got every time I released him from his maximum security compound in the guest bathroom.

4.) All that tongue lolloping.

Things I will not miss:

1.) The peeing.

2.) And more peeing.

3.) Cleaning up the pee.

4.) Explaining to him that peeing in the house is not polite.

5.) And the poo.

6.) Poo everywhere.

7.) What's that under the coffee table? Oh, right, it's poo.

8.) Did I just step in what I think I stepped it?

9.) The whining at 3 am to be let out even though we both knew that he'd already taken care of business in the office.

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In other news, yes, I finished Harry Potter on the first day. And no, I will not tell you how it ended. Don't even ask. But if you make me brownies I'll whisper the name of at least one person who dies. Everyone has a price. I did end up going into Barnes & Noble after the Hollywood Bowl (Fab concert! Hooray Jaime Cullum!) and I took a load of pictures of all the people who dressed up. Don't you love people who dress up for things? That level of commitment is really commendable. But the pictures were all I left with because I'm an old woman and all signs pointed to me not getting a book until 2 a.m. I picked it up the next morning at Ralph's and went home and read and read and read and read, then took a 15 minute nap and then read some more. I tried to stop at 9 because I was at a point just before the action really started happening and my eyes were going a little screwy but then I thought I'll just finish this tomorrow morning, but what if I oversleep, or what if Maynard falls off the bed and lapses into another coma and I have to take him to the puppy ER, or what if the garbage disposal explodes and I have to flee, or what if I just can't read fast enough and I don't get to finish before church and I'll have to leave off at a climactic moment and I can't be late for church because I have to play the organ and I left the skirt I want to wear at the apartment so that means I have to leave even earlier for church giving me even less time to finish! Argh! I better finish now. So I just sucked it up and kept on reading. I finished around 1:30 and had a bit of a cry because it was such a melancholy moment. I hate it when good things end. I love these characters and it's sad to me that we don't' get anymore of them. It's a good thing I can't ever remember books that I've read. I could reread a book a week after I finish it and it would be like brand new to me. What? Dumbledore dies?!

P.S. Hi Laura! Sorry to make you wait.

My Weekend Plans

1.) Go to the movies to kill time between work and meeting up with Katie. Maybe Ratatouille or Hairspray. Whatever fits in the best.

2.) Jaime Cullum at the Hollywood Bowl (wahoo!). He looks like a wee British hobbit but his music is fantastic.

3.) Pick up the new Harry Potter and snacks on my way to the beach.

4.) Not get sunburned.

5.) Read Harry Potter.

6.) Weep Openly.

7.) Eventually find it in my heart to forgive Maynard for waking me up at 5 this morning by peeing LOUDLY on the bathroom rug.

8.) (on condition that #7 is impossible) kill Maynard.

In regards to the last Harry Potter book, I'm pretty excited. Not excited enough to wait in line at midnight tonight dressed as Professor Sprout (although the thought did occur to me that I will actually be coming home around midnight from the Bowl and there is a Barnes & Noble nearby and it would be awfully easy for me to just pop in and get it) but excited enough to not schedule anything tomorrow so that I can read all day. And excited enough to prepare my Sunday School lesson last night so that I wouldn't feel guilty about waiting until I was done with the book to do it. And excited enough to buy these:



And now for some predictions: 1.) Snape will turn out to be good (duh!) and Harry will have the chance to kill him but doesn't and he will end up being instrumental in killing off Voldemort but will die in the process. 2.) Neville will avenge his parents by killing Belatrix but will die in the process. 3.) Dobie, and all the rest of the house elves, will be annoying as usual and will die in the process. I'm fine with 1, I'll be sad about 2 and maybe I'm just projecting my fondest wish on 3.

Enjoy your weekend!

Retarded Dog for Sale

Dear Mentally Challenged Maynard:

I’m not blaming you. I realize that you have a disability. The first few years of your life were pretty tough. You fell off the counter as a puppy and were in that little puppy coma. And then you ate those pills which brought on another little puppy coma. It’s not your fault. But even the mentally challenged can live very full and rewarding lives of self reliance. You’re too young to remember the show Life Goes On but there was this kid in it, Corky, and he had Downs Syndrome and even he was able to go to a regular high school and have a job and an apartment and he eventually fell in love with that girl who also had Downs Syndrome. I’m not saying that love is in the cards for you but certainly you can handle a few very simple tasks that will bring more independence to your life. Namely, going to the bathroom outside. I know you’re capable of doing this because I’ve seen you. You’ve even given me the very subtle sign of sitting down to indicate that you need to be let out. I’m proud of you for achieving this. But I think you may be using your disability, and your cuteness, as a crutch because every time I see a little pee stain on the new carpet and I look over at you, you look back with very large eyes and you cock your head to the right in that very cute way that makes your tongue lollop about. It’s adorable and I forgive you but then you do it again an hour later.

To help you out on this road to independence I’m setting a few goals for you. We’re starting small and I don’t want you to feel like you have to achieve them all tonight but at least if you’re aware of them and working on them, you’re making progress.

1.) Only get out of the bed if you need to. I know how hard it is to get into that bed. It’s pretty high. I have trouble myself. You know that if you get out of the bed you can’t get back in unless I help you up. So instead of hopping down and then waking me up when you want back in, why don’t you just stay there if you don’t need to leave.
2.) Come up with a different sign for having to go out. Like maybe barking. Sometimes when you sit down I can’t tell if you have to go or if you’re just tired.
3.) Do not pee or poop inside the house. Because if I have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to let you out for the 3rd time in 4 hours and on my way to opening the door for you step on another piece of poo one more time I promise that I will not forgive you and will send you to a home for retarded dogs.

I don’t want to sound paranoid but I would be a fool if I didn’t consider the possibility that you’re doing it on purpose. You are, after all, related by marriage to the cats who are trying to kill me because I'm the only thing standing in their way of world domination. I would hate to think, after all I’ve done for you, that you would have intentionally left that poo at the base of the stairs and then woken me up to let you out, knowing full well that I would step in it. If I find out that this is the case you can bet that no amount of adorable tongue lolloping will save you.

We only have two more weeks together. Let’s make the most of it.

Regards,Rachel

A Successful Diagnosis

Just added to my list of funny names: Ursula Bellugi. Say it out loud. It's hysterical.

I came across it in this article. It's really long. I'll summarize: It's about a genetic condition called Williams syndrome. People who have it struggle mainly with abstract spacial concepts. They can't replicate shapes or put together very simple puzzles. They also can't balance their check book. (Neither can I, but I think that has more to do with not keeping receipts.) What really makes them interesting is that they don't have the usual social fears that most people do, such as public speaking and meeting strangers. They're extremely gregarious and they have an almost insatiable need to be social. They also have smaller than normal faces and have a tendency to stare at you for long periods of time.

I think Maynard the Mentally Challenged Dog has Williams syndrome.