Is it too much to ask for someone else to fold my clothes?

Dear Wealthy Benefactor,

When you finally show up could you please bring along with you someone who will do my laundry?  Because, oh the drudgery of it all.  I won't go into the details of how I currently have to lug my laundry across the parking lot to the laundry room and pay a dollar a load both for washing and drying.  This will be a non-issue, as the house you get for me will be equipped with a very nice laundry room.  But someone is still going to have to put away all those clothes.  Someone is going to have to fold and iron and hang.  And I'd prefer it if that someone wasn't me.  I just can't bare it.  I don't mind other household chores.  I like to wash dishes.  I don't mind dusting.  I think vacuuming is kind of fun.  Cleaning the bathroom isn't my favorite but even that gives me some sort of satisfaction.  Not so with laundry.  There's something so tedious about an enormous stack of clothes that have to be put away.  The likes of which I am currently facing.  I trick myself into putting clothes away by dumping the entire load onto my bed so I can't get in and hide from it.  It's very effective in that it gets the job done but it also makes me want to cry a little.  So, let's remedy this.  Please put down Personal Laundress after Slurpee Machine on your list of immediate purchases.

Hugs and Kisses,
Rachel

My Weekend Plans

Dear Wealthy Benefactor,

This is Urgent! I must make it up to Anchorage, AK tonight so I can be at the World Beard and Moustache Championship tomorrow. I'll pack while you charter the jet.

Hugs and Kisses,
Rachel

The price of staying well groomed

You know how sometimes you run out of things all at once? Things like shampoo and soap and mascara and toilet paper and party favors and laundry detergent and razors? It always happens at the same time, like it's a conspiracy between the shampoo/soap/mascara/toilet paper/party favors/laundry detergent/razor makers of the world. So you head down to Target. You think that you should go to Wal-Mart because it would be cheaper but you can't bring yourself to go back to Wal-Mart after the last time you were there. The time when the lady in line ahead of you left her shopping cart to run and get some Christmas lights that were on sale and the checker refused to let you go ahead of her so you all just had to stand there staring at the checker dust her register while you waited 5 minutes for the lady to come back with the lights, which ended up not being on sale so she threw a fit. No, you can't go back to Wal-Mart. So you head down to Target and you load up your basket and maybe you find a cute pair of brown pants that you've been needing and you possibly got the latest US Weekly. And when they ring you up your grand total was $15,097.42.

It is times like these that you pray your Wealthy Benefactor will get his act together so you can shave your legs without having to put your kidney up on craigslist.

Neverland House

Dear Wealthy Benefactor,

Me again.  Sorry to bother you, I know you're busy making lots of money, but I have a small request.  It's just slightly bigger than a drum set.  It's this.

Okay, so it's a house.  But not just any house.  It's J.M. Barrie's old house.  And I really want it.  Because look at this adorable staircase.  And this communal garden I would get to share with my neighbors.  And this wee little room!  Can't you picture me in this room, wearing elegant-leisure-wear, drinking cocoa and writing funny blog posts while turning into the Eccentric Old Woman I was destined to be?  I sure can.

This takes precedence over the drum set because I don't want anyone else to snatch it up.  And I would like to be out there before Wimbledon starts.  Plus, I want to get a jump on changing the paint.  Is it just me or does that adorable staircase look like it's working the faux marble paint job?

Hugs and Kisses,

Rachel =)

Born to Rock!

Dear Wealthy Benefactor,

If you were wondering what you could get me for Rachel Appreciation Day might I suggest a drum set.  Why?  Because I'm pretty sure I was born to rock.  I played Rock Band at our family party this afternoon and I totally killed it on the drums.  My cousin Allie and I are going to start up a band and I don't think that the Rock Band drum set is going to work for gigs so I'm going to need the real thing.  I'm not picky but I would like it to be purple, and sparkly if you have the option.

Hugs and Kisses,

Rachel =)

I really did try to plant those trees

Whenever someone starts out a conversation by saying, "I had the weirdest dream last night..." my mind starts to wander to more interesting places, like the cracker aisle at the grocery store, because believe me, Ritz crackers are way more interesting to me then what you dreamed about last night. Here's why: there's no response to other people telling you about a dream they had. They can say, "I dreamed I was in hand to hand combat with a giant gherkin," and all you can say is, "That's so weird," and only kind of mean it. Because it's not really that weird. It's a dream. They're suppose to be weird.*

So you see, on a personal ethics level I'm very hesitant to tell you about these dreams I've been having. But I think there's some significance to them so here you go. Feel free to think about your favorite food aisle if you're not that interested.

I've been having this recurring dream lately: I'm traveling around with about 20 people trying to get things done. I'm never by myself and there are usually a handful of people that I know and at least one celebrity in the group. We always have a list of errands we need to get done but we're somehow always sidetracked or diverted, like we intend to go somewhere but we always end up somewhere else. And we never travel by car. We're almost always on bikes or walking. For instance, last night I dreamed that I was with a large group that included Katie, Silvia, Valerie (It was an Appel-apalooza!) and Marley Matlin. We had a long list of things we had to get done, like go to the gym and take a yoga class, only the gym was packed with wall to wall people, like a refugee camp. Everyone had sweat bands on their heads and were huddled under dirty blankets. So we decided to ride our bikes up to the craft store to get embroidery floss but we ended up going by a park that we had to plant trees at, except that we couldn't because (and I'm not making this up) a polycarbonate substance was covering all the flower beds. I literally said in my dream, "It's a polycarbonate substance." I had to look up what a polycarbonate was this morning.

After I found that out I googled "dream interpretations" and got a load of links. I don't ever think about interpreting dreams because 1.) I don't often remember my dreams and 2.) they're usually more funny than weird and we all know that explanations always make things that are funny less funny. But because I've had a variation of this dream about once a month for the last year now I decided it was time I figured it out.

Here's what I found:

bikes = bright prospects
parks = enjoyable leisure
sewing (embroidery floss) = domestic peace
gym = material prosperity
errands = harmony and mutual understanding in my domestic sphere

Friends, this can only mean one thing. My Wealthy Benefactor is ON HIS WAY!!!!! I can finally live my life as a Woman of Elegant Leisure! Clearly, I will get to use his funds (after he buys me my top three luxury items**) to help people in the need (the sweat-banded refugees) and the deaf (Marley Matlin) and the parks and recreation department (tree planting). And it looks like Katie, Silvia, Valerie and that crowd of people I'm always with will get to join in the fun.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure the polycarbonate substance means that my WB made his fortune in a chemical lab. Rich and smart! Dream come true.

*If you ever actually are in hand to hand combat with a giant gherkin then that would really be something. And please tell me about it. That is way more interesting then Ritz.

**1.) Slurpee machine, 2.) golf cart, 3.) chocolate fountain large enough to swim in.