Friday, August 31, 2007

Cry Baby

I cry a lot. Amanda, testify! (Amanda has seen me at my most tearful moment, that being the end of Million Dollar Baby. Sweet Tuna, that was a sad movie. We weren't just crying silently to ourselves. Oh no. We were sobbing openly, weeping as if all the bunnies in the world had died. The government came over and declared our apartment a wetland preserve after we finished watching it because loons started migrating in.) You would be amazed and probably concerned over how much I can cry. I like to think of it as a medical condition because most of the time I physically cannot stop myself from crying and I'm looking forward to the day when I can no longer function in society and I can start collecting disability and live off of your tax dollars.

But that's where the benefits of being a chronic crier end. Because have you seen me cry? It is not pretty. My chin quivers, my face squinches up and my eyes, which already have a bit of the Orient* in them, turn into puffy red slits. It does not help that I lose all ability to speak when I cry and I can't explain to people that it's a condition and I'm pathetic and please stop looking at me with sympathetic eyes because it makes me cry even more.

I've spent years trying to look less frightening when I cry. I have perfected the art of the gentle swipe. Amateurs make the mistake of wiping the tears away at the eye, which makes you look worse because it only irritates them more. The best way is to let the tear fall down your cheek and then gently swipe it away with your fingers. This also makes you seem delicate and makes people feel sorry for you rather than embarrassed to be around you. It's possible I'm deluding myself into thinking this.

Either way, here is a mostly general and in no way complete list of things that make me cry:

1.) Sad things
2.) Happy things
3.) Other people crying
4.) Kindness
5.) Crippled homeless people
6.) Good-byes
7.) The elderly
8.) Most stories on NPR
9.) St. Jude commercials
10.) The Olympics
11.) James Blake winning his very first career five-setter last night
12.) Remembering times when I cried
13.) Sam, Stacy and Ben moving to Idaho

Because that last one encompasses numbers 1, 3, and 6 (with a little bit of 2 because it's an adventure for them) you can imagine that I'm a little teary today.

Quick, tell me a joke.

*Sam, also blessed with a bit of the Orient, has a theory: Genghis Khan and his men plundered as far west as Bulgaria, which, as we all know, is pretty close to Switzerland, which is where our very neutral and chocolate loving people are from. I could be the heir to the Mongolian Empire for all you know. Bow! Bow to the Empress!


Amanda said...

Okay, just here to testify. Rachel is bad. I remember the day I walked in on her watching the St.Jude's telethon. I had to intervene as she is almost physically unable to change the channel once it pauses on any such sadness. You really are a case Rachel, but you know I love you.
I do of course feel a certain kinship with the crying. A teacher walked into my classroom yesterday and was introducing herself. She spotted my favorite book 'A Story for Bear' and I was telling her about it. I had said about 5 words when I started misting. It really stinks to be such a cry baby. I'm so sorry that Ben is moving away. I wish I had a fun joke. Oh, I did share with some teachers today, your idea about the fold away boob. They liked it.

Amanda said...

Also, side note to all of you. If you have not seen Million Dollar Baby, don't watch it! Absolutely devestating movie! just a warning.

Katie said...

Amen, sister. I have the exact same problem, as you well know. And nothing in the world can stop the crying from coming. Gina once walked in on me a good 15 minutes after Beaches had ended (another one of the worst cry movies ever -- although not worse than Steel Magnolias), and she thought something tragic had happened. I couldn't even get out the words that I had just finished watching Beaches. It's pure torture.

Hannah said...

Million Dollar Baby is such a sad and beautiful movie, and I cried so very much when I saw it. And then I walked home alone in the rain, at midnight. I felt profoundly moved, and also a little picturesque.

Ms. Liz said...

I was irate at the end of Million Dollar Baby - I was like "THATS IT???!!! All this senseless violence so we can see dysfunctional families and so mr. man can finally forgive himself, learn to love for one fleeting moment and have some dam* pie? OH no! You just didn't waste 2 hours of my life for that. I could have read a Christmas Carol and gotten the same meassage!" oh no. Much different reaction.

Well here's a joke....
What do you call a psychic midget that has just escaped from prison?
**** a small medium at large**** HA! I know you like midget jokes. :)

Laura said...

I don't have such an issue with the crying, but I do have moments. The Olympics - oh my goodness, I cry like crazy! Pretty much any time the National Anthem is played, I cry. I do have one idea for you though. If you get one of those fancy lace old-timey handkerchiefs, that would definitely look dainty if you dabbed at the eye!

rachelsaysso said...

Laura: I LOVE the old-timey lace hankie idea. I'm totally doing it.

Amanda: I love that you break down every time you tell someone about A Story for Bear. I've seen it happen at least 3 times. It's very endearing.

To everyone else: It occurred to me that maybe I came across as an emotional wreck. I'm not actually. I mean, I do cry alot but I think most people will agree that I'm a pretty happy kid.

Gina said...

Correct me if I'm wrong...but you did cry when I moved away. I did. I know I'll never top Ben, nor should I, but a little love, please. :)

Cryers get into heaven first. :) Mom's leading the line.

Rach said...

Rachel, is your crying problem contagious? Because I have had the same problem since I lived with you 10 years ago. Can you believe it's been 10 years? Of course, I may have developed my weepiness from other things that also happened 10 years ago, but I went down your list of things that get you crying, and mine is almost the same. The only difference on mine is that instead of the one about James Blake it's BYU winning and/or losing their football games. Oh, and instead of Sam, Stacy and Ben moving, it's hearing Ian's voice on the phone all the way from Georgia. So I think one of us was contagious and passed it on. And that just means we'll both be in heaven first.

Rach said...

Just to avoid confusion, this is Rachel the old roommate, but my name just shows up as rachel, just like yours, rachel. Very confusing.

rachelsaysso said...

When I saw your (our) name I thought, "Did I sleep-comment again?" I definitely think I'm contagious when I cry. Actually, I blame Nate for your crying. I remember you doing a lot of it while you were dating him.

Rach said...

Oh, that's right. Nate. The source of all my tears and abnormal stomach aches. I think you were my angel roommate, Rachel, because I never felt bad crying when you were there. I knew you understood that crying is important and unavoidable.