Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Big Pharma at it's best.

Guess what's in the bag:
You never will so I'll tell you. Free drugs!!!

I went in to see my doctor about my allergies and I left with a bag of free drugs. How fantastic is that? Very, in fact.

While there I had a humorous conversation with her:

Dr. - So, what meds are you on.
Me - I can't remember their names. Can't you look that up in my chart?
Dr. - Oh, right. (Flips through chart) Okay, how are those working for you?
Me - Fine. Except that sometimes I still have some congestion and the deep inner ear itch.*
Dr. - Are you using Claritin?
Me - (Confused) No.
Dr. - (Also confused) Why not?
Me - Because I assumed that the two drugs you've PRESCRIBED me would be enough.
Dr. - (Look of complete pity because I must be the dumbest kid in my class) No. You should be using Claritin too. To help the other two out.
Me - So what's the point of the other two?
Dr. - (Checks my chart to make sure that it doesn't say anything about being retarded) They all just work better together. I'll get you some free samples.

As most of you can probably tell from my frequent mention of them, allergies routinely kick me to the ground and laugh. They have been particularly bad these last few weeks. And while the two drugs really help, it bothers me that I have to squirt them up my nose every morning. Especially since one of them makes everything taste like Drain-O for an hour afterwards. But I am not about to refuse free drugs. No sir. Mama needs her meds.

*For those of you who have this problem you know exactly what I'm talking about. But for those blessed without it let me explain. It's like a Vegas review is going on in the depths of your inner ear and all the show girls have on those giant feather head-dresses, you know the ones that weigh 20 pounds each and will eventually ruin their spines and then they'll sue the owners of the casino for pain and suffering. And then a magician stumbles onto the stage, thinking that it's his time to go on, and he has with him 20 chickens for his magical disappearing chicken act, and they're flapping their wings like mad because they're crazy for the spotlight and their mom is in town and seeing them for the first time. And a sultan happens to be enjoying the show, but he's kind of warm so his eunuchs start fanning him with giant ostrich feathers. It's like all of those feathers are tickling and itching inside your ear and you don't care that it's socially unacceptable to stick your finger in there and scratch it, except you know that it won't do you any good because it's so deep inside that you think your brain may actually have a rash or something. And then you spot your large supply of crochet hooks and knitting needles and you can picture yourself on an episode of ER, with one of them lodged in your ear and all you can do is shrug and say "deep inner ear itch" and hope that the attending also suffers from allergies and understands your plight and takes pity on you by amputating both of them. Who needs ears anyway?


Laura said...

Drugs are wonderful...and free drugs are even better! My sister-in-law was a pharmaceutical rep for a while and we got so much free stuff, it was great. A free case of Tylenol PM was like Christmas!

Liz the Poet said...

Oh, the dreaded deep inner ear itch. I get this often and can completely relate. Darn those cursed feathers on my brain!

Ms. Liz said...

"and they're flapping their wings like mad because they're crazy for the spotlight and their mom is in town and seeing them for the first time" - hahahaha! Still laughing!!

And I'm fairly sure you chart doesn't denote retardation. Logic gets the best of all of us honey.

Andrea said...

Maybe if you moved to a dryer climate, you know somewhere like Arizona, your allergies might not bother you as much! :)

Heather said...

My fav. part: "But I am not about to refuse free drugs. No sir. Mama needs her meds." :-) You've just made my day.

Rach said...

I had the deep inner ear itch yesterday and Tim thought I'd lost my mind. Clearly he's one of the fortunate ones. Your description of the feeling is dead on. And hilarious.

Anonymous said...

o.k. I guess my chart says that I am retarted. I just figured I had to live with the deep inner ear itch for the rest of my life. And yes, I stick anything in my ear that I can.( don't tell, but maybe come visit me in the hospital)- Maybe you could go to the Dr. with me and explain.