Monday, January 5, 2009

Don't Doubt the Swami Hat!

Instead of doing a year in review or sharing my resolutions with you, I am going to put on my swami hat and make predictions for 2009. (And now all of you are picturing me in a swami hat and giggling. I live to bring joy.) To be helpful I will break them down into categories.

1.) The team with the prettiest jerseys will win the Super Bowl.
2.) I will duck and scream like a girl when a foul ball comes flying at my head at my first baseball game of the season.
3.) I will eat my weight in Dodger Dogs but will not get sick because the two main ingredients are 100% beef and magic.
4.) The basketball season will last 18 months this year, just to annoy me.
5.) I will talk people's ears off about how much I love tennis and no one will care.
6.) I will once again not learn what off sides means in football.

1.) Someone from the south will win the Miss America Pageant. She will mention the war in Iraq, animal rescue organizations, and her mom all in the same sentence during her interview.
2.) I will watch more tv than I should, but, because I'm 80, some of that will be PBS, which counts as negative minutes.
3.) Renee Zellwegger will be in a movie that I will want to see and she will ruin it for me.
4.) Brittny Spears will be on 72% of all magazine covers this year. And 90% of US Weekly covers.

TYRA BANKS (because she deserves her own category)
1.) One of the photo shoots for America's Next Top Model will be in a Dumpster
2.) Tyra will wear a dress made out of recycled grocery bags, cinched at the waste, to the Daytime Emmy's.
3.) Tyra will speak only in Pig Latin during one of her shows.

1.) I will not read Wuthering Heights
2.) I will buy more felt than I need to and I will make something funny out of it. But hold up for a sec. Did I tell you that I went to Michael's the other day and left with spending just 52 cents? Can you believe that? Because I barely can. I just needed embroidery floss. But I walked by the felt section and the yarn section and I left with just my floss. It was a Christmas Miracle! It was also a Christmas Budget, which, now, I'm very grateful for because of my current Avoiding Poverty and Possibly Debtors Prison Budget.
3.) I will meet my Wealthy Benefactor and he will buy me a Slurpee machine. What, you don't believe it? Are you really going to doubt the swami hat?


The Katzbox said...

Are you kidding me...I am still laughing...STILL!!!...Renee Zellwegger...puhleese, I always want to spike her drinks with antihistamine...and Britney Spears...yea, you're right...confession-I just downloaded Womanizer from ITunes....but you know, she sounds like an oxygen-deprived, demonically possessed Barbie Doll...or is it just me that thinks that?...and the Tyra thing...ow, my sides...I think I threw up a little...

Anyway, this was flippin' hysterical...I needed this...

Andrea said...

I don't doubt the swami hat...never have, never will!

themayerfamily said...

Where can you get a swami hat exactly? I definately don't doubt it. I had a feeling about that Tyra.

Rach said...

Oh, Rachel. You just made me look forward to this year so much more. Some time I'll explain offsides to you. But not right now. I'm sure you are dead-on about all your predictions, especially in the Tyra category. As for the Superbowl, I hope the 49ers have the best uniforms. I've been cheering for them ever since Steve Young and Jerry Rice were on the team. I have no idea if they're good anymore, though, because I quit watching NFL football when they retired. Thanks for a heads-up on the future.

Laura said...

I agree about basketball season. Why, oh why, does it seem to last forever? Baseball seems that way to me too - but I know you love it, so I'll stop now.

I actually decided that YOU should win Miss American this year, so I'll have to prove your prediction wrong since you are not from the south. At least you'll bring something fun to the table in the Interview portion. What would you talk about?

I can't believe the 52 cents. I might need to see a receipt!

Rach said...

Ooh, last night right after I read this blog I saw a preview for a movie with Renee Zelweger in it and laughed and laughed. And I have never and will never walk out of Michaels spending that little. I usually end up walking out with with a crosstitch kit I wasn't planning on buying. You're an inspiration!

Anonymous said...

i, too, have a love-hate relationship with Renee. in theory, i love her and then i go to one of her movies, and i want my money back. however! and this is a BIG however - she IS adorable. if i looked like Renee Zelwegger, i wouldn't care who didn't like my movies.

Nunazuna said...

You are hilarious!...I miss you...I wish they'd make a rootbeer flavored slurpee.

Stephanie said...

I wish I could be your wealthy benefactor. I would buy you a slurpee machine and all the embroidery floss you wanted.

I will not doubt the swamee hat.