Thursday, March 11, 2010

It had better be magical

Does anyone else read GOOP? Gwyneth Paltrow's attempt to tell the world that she's a working mom so she's just like us, only ludicrously rich and blond and leggy and she's married to a rock star and has Steven Spielberg and Deepak Chopra on speed dial so they can tell us which bowel cleanse they prefer after they've indulged in too much baklava over the holidays? Yep, totally just like me.

And yet, it is definitely my guilty pleasure. Mostly because it is good for a laugh. And she sometimes puts lovely things up there. And I like looking at lovely things. So I'll follow the links and admire the lovely things and then I'll check the price and pass out. $500 for macrame place mats? Let's get real. I'm certainly not faulting her for being ridiculous. She's essentially a blogger and what is a blog but a place to tell people, "Hey, here's what I think." And maybe she thinks that $500 for place mats is a total steal.

But today she has gone from lovely to vulgar. She had her stylist friend chat about what's hot this spring, and along with the astonishing revelation that dresses are big she put up a cardigan that cost $1060.00. A cardigan. A little knitted sweater. A cardigan that costs the same as a months rent. A cardigan. Maybe you didn't catch that. A cardigan!

Now, she also put up a cheaper alternative for $50. But she was modeling the $1060.00 one like it was perfectly reasonable to own a sweater that would put food on my table for, oh, 10 months.

So I have compiled a list of Things I Would Expect of a Sweater That Cost $1060.00:

1.) It had better be magical. Like make me invisible when I want to avoid someone or at least make me a size 4.

2.) The buttons would look like pearls but would really be self-replenishing peanut M&Ms.

3.) Hugh Jackman would come with it and his job for as long as I had the sweater (which is forever because certainly that kind of money should buy immortality) would be to slip it over my chilled shoulders or hold it when I didn't need it. He would also need to sing show tunes to me from time to time.

4.) It would clean my bathroom.

I was going to ask you if you had all the money in the world, would you buy a cardigan that cost $1060. But I'm not going to because I think we both know that I would be totally judgy about your answer if you said yes.

10 comments:

camille said...

I don't know why but the thought of buttons actually being self-replenishing peanut m&m's is cracking me up. Really I can't stop giggling about it. Just think, you would never have to buy snacks for the movies. And if you are on a road trip, constant snacks. This is genius!

Angela Noelle said...

I feel this way whenever I read about Oscar jewellery. Sparkle for an evening or two OOOORRR build 100 first-rate schools /raising and lowering scale-hands.

Bronwyn James said...

What if the sweater could insure you were picked as the next judge on ANTM? If a sweater could do it, how much would you pay for a lifetime of entertaining evenings with Tyra and Miss J and a bushel of teenage girls whose greatest ambition in life is to walk and smise (smeyes?)?

Amanda said...

I would 100% spend that kind of money on a cardigan.
If and only if, it did things #1-4. Maybe even for number 4. To have the bathroom cleaned for life would be worth $1,000. I would say the Hugh Jackman thing too, but John would get kind of bitter.

Valerie said...

Yeah. I would buy it.

And then I would wear it on a trip to Africa, or Haiti, or certain neighborhoods in Chicago where people don't have enough to eat and worry too much about paying rent, and I would let the self-loathing just wash over me.

(yikes, now that I read that back, that response is kind of heavy)

The Katzbox said...

Those were all outstanding reasons for purchasing the 1K cardigan. I would consider purchasing it if Gwyneth cleaned my bathroom for several years and each time she did it, I lunched with Hugh Jackman....ahhhhh....yes....the imagery is quite satisfactory...

Rach said...

If it met all of your qualifications, plus gave me good hair every day, I'd totally forego groceries and allow my children to starve for the next 6 months. Oh, but they wouldn't, because they both love peanut m&ms. Of course, they may come down with scurvy or something, and then my 1K sweater would turn into lots of doctor bills. Hmmmm.....I'd better think it over some more...

colleeeen said...

If I had all the money in the world? Yeah, after I solved world hunger and otherwise set up Utopia (you know, according to MY rules, mmmmwahahahaha), then heck to the yeah I would blow $1000 on a sweater. I HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, FOOLS!

Emily said...

Ha ha! I am laughing so hard right now. Thanks for the laugh. Definitely a good list of criteria for a magical sweater. Especially the Hugh Jackman bit. I've been to goop a few times but it's been a while.

AJ said...

I was totally going to get that cardigan but my limit was $1050. $1060 is out of my budget. Alas.