Friday, December 5, 2008

Another Royal Decree

A patient brought in homemade biscotti for us as a little holiday thank-you for curing her yeast infection. What? You've never had your chiropractor treat your yeast infection? You are so 20th century western medicine.

I'm not a big fan of biscotti*, mostly because I've never had success eating them. They're usually shaped like a bread stick but taste kind of like a cookie, but never as good, and that confuses my senses. And they're crumbly so when you bite into them they kind of fall apart just as you're putting it in your mouth and then you have crumbs all over you. They're a mystery.

But CeCe's energy push yesterday did not help today because we were dead and I was falling asleep, so I thought that I would have a biscotti with the hopes that the sugar would do me some good. Little did I know what danger lurked in those Italian quasi-cookies.

Anise! Loads and loads of anise!

I hate anise. I hate black licorice. Even the smell makes me gag a little. It baffles me how people can like it. Seriously, tell me why you like it? I truly want to know. Because I've never tasted a dirty sock dipped in Clorox but I imagine that black licorice isn't far from it.

And there I was with a crumbly mouth full of it. Another problem with biscotti is that it's dry and it doesn't exactly leave the mouth easily. I had to chew and chew and chew and then I flushed it down with about a gallon of water and the nasty taste is still in my mouth. Bleh!

And so, I think it needs to be done:

A Royal Decree!

We hearby decree that black licorice, or black licorice flavoring, such as anise or Clorox, shall never be used in foods. Being a Benevolent Queen, we shall allow black licorice to remain for those subjects, such as the Queen Mum, who enjoy it. But all black jelly beans shall be removed from any assort bag, as the Queen does not care to be casually snacking on jelly beans and unknowingly pop a black one in our mouth and have it stuck in our teeth for several unpleasant minutes, thus causing death by grossness. And while we're at it, the Queen would like to ban biscotti too, because it confuses her.

Hugs and Kisses,
Your Queen o' the Universe

*Remind me someday to tell you exactly how I feel about people who pronounce words the way they are pronounced in the country the word originated in.

12 comments:

Rach said...

Biscotti are a bit strange. They're supposed to be dipped in coffee or hot cocoa to soften them up, but why not just make your cookies soft in the first place? The Italians are really good at pastries, but they don't know how to make a good cookie. And who puts anise in biscotti, anyway? Gross! Although I do like black licorice (I'm around to eat it for those who don't like it--pass me the black jelly beans), I don't think that's a flavor that belongs in cookies, even really hard crumbly ones.

hi, i'm nancy! said...

Rachel, i just got done reading your decree to my husband who, fasten your seat belt, not only loves black licorice, he loves black licorice with salt on it! He is from Sweden and black licorice with salt on it is practically THE national food of Sweden.

say what you want about black licorice, if it makes you tall and blonde and gorgeous, maybe they're on to something. :)

Stephanie said...

I think that black jellybeans/licorice/gumdrop assortments are fun because there is always someone in the room who likes the black ones. It's a conversation starter at a party!

I'm with you on the biscotti, though. The only good biscotti I've ever had had more dried fruit than cookie and it was dipped in fantastic chocolate. It was more of a candy than a cookie.

Licorice Lover said...

Black licorice is awesome. How can anyone NOT like it? I guess I can't explain WHY I like it, but it really is addicting. Maybe one of the reasons people don't like licorice becuase much of the sorry excuse we have for licorice here in the US is pretty lame. Real licorice is made from the licorice root and actually has a lot of health benefits. Check out my blog about licorice: http://licoricelover.blogspot.com/

colleeeen said...

bee-SCO-tee.

Wendy said...

Can you ban fennel while you're at it? Another black licorice tasting herb that I loathe...

Jeanette said...

I had a similiar experience with anise - I was on my mission and they had this syrup you added to water to make a flavored drink (like koolaid of sorts). Well there was a flavor called anise and in my mind i thought it said ananas which means pineapple. So I made my drink and took a big drink thinking i was going to be having some pineapple goodness. Much to my dismay it was black licorice - I about threw up all over the lady's table. Who in their right mind would want black licorice water? I was completely appaulled!

Andrea said...

Will you still be my friend if I told you I love black licorice? I'm a big fan of that stuff but I can understand if you don't like it, just as long as you don't give me a hard time about not liking hot chocolate!

Tamar and Trevor said...

I feel like I need to go wash my mouth out after reading this. I detest black licorice. Trevor's family makes this cookie every year at Christmas with anise in it and they make me want to vomit even with the sugary glaze that they smother them with. Long live the queen!

Laura said...

Anise and fennel are two sad, sad things about me being Italian. They are used so much in Italian cooking and baking, and I can't stand them either! Maybe it's the English half of me that hates them!

Amanda said...

Andrea,
I had to sit and make a list of all the reasons I love you to pieces. After the comment on liking black licorise AND not liking hot cocoa, i actually had to click the link near your comment just to make sure it was you! Really? No hot cocoa? Who doesn't like hot cocoa? What on earth do you drink in the dead of winter? Um okay, you are from So. Cal living in Arizona, so the dead of winter doesn't mean much to you but still!!!???? I'm so confused.
Well, luckily you are mucho fabulous in so many ways, that the list of why I still love you, was very easy to make.
Love,
Amanda
(Rachel,)
P.S. really surprised Brett hasn't commented yet
P.P.S. you got a comment from the I Love Licorice fan club. Wow! That's something. Of course everyone reads your blog now

Fishie said...

Rachel, I'm not sure if you ever had the cause to call Astrid Gallon-Gonzales' phone at work, but her voice message was something like, (Mild mannered, perfectly phonetically annunciated) "Hello, you have reached the desk of... (pronounced like she was channeling Ricardo Montalban) ASTRID GALLON (pronounced Guy-ON in Montalban) GONZALEZ" (back to phonetic perfection) please leave a message at the tone, and I will return your call as soon as possible."
Biscotti. Ha.