Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Looking for someone romantic and fun with a nice parole officer

I've always wondered how single women get hooked up with men in prison. Sometimes I come across newspaper articles, usually about a homicide, and the suspects' wife/lady-friend* would inevitably say, "He always did have a temper. Even when we were writing to each other while he was doing time, I could tell he had a short fuse." Initially I thought that maybe these women had a brother or a cousin "on the inside" who set them up. But I have since learned that any gal with a computer, a dream, and a healthy dose of self-loathing can get her very own inmate pen-pal. How, you ask? Inmate.com. Duh.

I was reading one of those articles (I'm not going to link to it because it's disturbing) and it turns out that the murderer in this case found his wife on inmate.com by posting that he was a "6-foot, 235-pound Albino gorilla with over 40 real nice tattoos. Can I get a 'lil bit of love from a lonely female?"

Lonely!? The women who married him must have been a leprous orphan with pink eye and bad b.o. to be lonely enough to want a guy like that. I wonder what exactly sold her on him - the 40+ real nice tattoos or the fact that he was serving 20 years for killing his own mother with a steak knife. What a catch. I'm fascinated as to what the thought process is for these women. How do they end up on that site? How lonely do you have to be to say, "Well, e-harmony didn't work out so I guess I'll try felons next." I personally can't think of any reason that would get me to look there (Side note: I didn't initially believe that it was a dating service for criminals and I really didn't want to go over and check, but because I was writing about it I wanted to make sure so I did and then promptly left because it made me feel desperate and sad and dirty. There I saved you the trouble.) but my feeling is that it's there because of a demand. There must be women out there who actually want to date someone in prison.

So, I think it needs to be said...

Dear Women Who Are Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Namely Prison:

Believe me when I tell you that I know how hard it is for a single gal. I'm a 32 year old single Mormon woman, which means that I'm fishing in a dating pool of about 3 eligible men and 150 men who are weird and/or living at home. Isn't it hard enough to find a decent fella - one who will respect you and love you and bring you hot chocolate when you have cramps - without having to worry that he'll have a bad day and kill the neighbors? You're better than that. Go on one of those singles cruises. You can simultaneously work on your tan and increase your chances of not being on Cops.

Solidarity sisters!

* The term lady-friend makes me laugh like a loon! I use to work with an older gentleman who spent his days cutting out obituaries (I spent my days cutting out wedding announcements. His was clearly the better job.) The fact that he cut out obituaries has nothing to do with this. I mention it because it's funny, natch. But he would often use the term "lady-friend" and every time it made me giggle with glee. He was a great guy. Remind me to tell you about the time I convinced him to join us in Overall Day.


Laura said...

I've wondered the same thing, many, many times. Although...it does open up the dating pool a little. I mean, really, I've tried church, work, friends of friends, match.com, e-harmony (where I was rejected, by the way), etc. Perhaps this could be my last, despearte attempt. He could have been wrongfully jailed after all. He was framed I tell ya!!

Amanda said...

Laura, promise me that you will at least go for a guy who is in for something less serious than killing his mother? Ya know maybe armed robbery or something. Maybe he was so hard up and he stole formula for the baby? Just a thought.

Valerie said...

Yeah, I agree. I think it depends a lot on what the person is in prison for. What if it was for polluting, or jaywalking, or littering. Not that I want to marry someone who litters anymore than I'd want to marry a murderer.
Actually, now that I'm thinking of it, let's just say no inmates. Period.

Andrea said...

I think we should cut them some slack. What about Eric Olsen?

Okay ladies, not to worry, I'm only kidding! What's wrong with these women? There's got to be plenty of men that died in the civil war. They should just wait to meet them in the next life. That's what I decided to do. That way I can have my reception in my parent's mansion above, of course that all depends if I can still have Inn-N-Out at my reception.

Liz the Poet said...

Well, I WAS going to share my exciting news about FINALLY getting a boyfriend--Inmate 14596--or who I lovingly call, Bubba.

But, since you are all so close-minded, never mind.

Hannah said...

Perhaps when she read "235-pound Albino gorilla", she thought he was being just being whimsical and self-deprecating. Or maybe she always really liked the zoo.

(I was going to make a joke about how no mother-in-law was probably a positive but then I felt ooky.)

(Also Liz stole my better joke about having a felon fella of my own.)

(And so thats why this comment isn't really very funny.)

(I don't really have an excuse for the excessive parentheticals.)