I'm sending you off to Brooklyn to live with Valerie. She said that she'd take you to Coney Island and feed you a hot dog. Behave yourself. You're one lucky bird.
P.S. Don't tell the other birds, but you were my favorite.
Dear Woman Who Called Me This Morning to Complain about How Our District Took This Past Monday Off for MLK Day instead of Next Monday Which is the Actual MLK Day,
I don't know why we did it. I don't make that decision. Your kids are still going to be marked absent if they go to the MLK Day parade in LA instead of going to school. It doesn't make us racists. That's just how school works.
Dear Zit on my Chin,
If you get any bigger I'm going to have to start charging you rent and utilities.