Mr. Las Vegas Visits Highland, CA

So let it be known: if Wayne Newton ever calls me up and asks me to be his back-up singer, I will leave all of you and spend the rest of my good years singing Viva Las Vegas with him.

Words really can't describe it. He was everything I hoped for and more.

Well, strike that. He was everything but the singing. Wow, he has really gone down in that department. I felt incredibly awkward as he was singing the Kenny Roger's classic "Lady". Boy, that was bad. But everything else was TOP NOTCH.

His enormous diamond pinky ring was blinding. His hair was lacquered like a super shiny lacquered thing. His tuxedo was straight out of the 80s. He wiggled his hips and told slightly inappropriate jokes. He flirted with all the girls and called us dolls. It was magical! You know how sometimes you have an image of what something should be - something you've dreamed of and have high expectations for - and when you see it, it disappoints? This was not one of those times. It was exactly what I imagined it to be. Which was hilariously funny and wonderfully amazing and very, very entertaining. Because even though he sounded dreadful, the man knows how to put on a show.

And let's talk about the venue for a sec. If you ever get the chance to see a show at an Indian casino, you MUST go. Promise me you will. Because you will love all the 80 year olds there. LOVE THEM! I have never seen so many walkers, wheel chairs and jazzies in my life. One woman walked by with an oxygen tank. And everyone had on the same outfit: baggy polyester pants, orthopedic shoes or sneakers, and Hawaiian shirts in earth tones. It was a sea of yellow and green and brown floral print. It was like we were at a desert luau.

Cynde and I came armed with our bedazzled granny panties (Thanks, Chris!) and we held them up with pride. Much to the amusement of the elderly around us. We were the youngest in the crowd by about 50 years but we were certainly not the most vocal. There were some women there who I think would have given up their first born to have Wayne blow them a kiss.

He spent a lot of time chit-chatting and telling jokes. And he also would read the occasional note from friends who were in the audience and then sing songs dedicated to them "and all the ladies." And about halfway through the show the weirdest thing happened. He was singing a song when suddenly (and I'm NOT making this up) Flavor Flav jumps up on stage, complete with his jumbo clock necklace and jester hat, and gives him a hug. Flavor Flav! At a Wayne Newton concert! At the San Manuel Indian Casino! And Cynde and I may have been the only people there who knew who he was. I bet the elderly were all wondering when security was going to come and take that crazy old woman off the stage. From the back he actually does look like a crazy old woman. It was surreal. And rad.

I'm giving out awards to my sisters for orchestrating the whole thing. And to Cynde, who would drive across the desert in July to laugh through a show with me. To thank her I took her to the beach this morning, where we rented a tandem bike and ate gelato. Thanks C! I love that you love to be silly!

*******

Helpful Hint: if you're thinking of riding a tandem bike be prepared to never stop. It is much harder than it looks to get going. We almost had to kill a few small children because we couldn't muster the strength to stop, knowing that we would have to start again.

Picture Explanation: I just realized that it looks like I have a wee mustache in that picture of us at the beach. It's a shadow, people. A shadow!

News Flash: I've decided to have the ice cream social next Saturday 07/25/09 from 12 to 2. I can't decide if I want to have it at my place or a nearby park. What are you thought? Would anyone even come?